Here is an interesting article on sleep. Some neat stuff in there and some ideas for how to get better sleep.
And then there is this sleep test. I was a 'rocketing rabbit' when I took it.
The discussion topic this week in my Pysch course is on sleep. Since I don't have any sort of set schedule I've been messing around with it to see what works for me. What I found that works best, as immpractical as it would be for most people, is to just sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I wake up. This has me taking naps in the middle of the day and going to sleep late. Lately I've been hitting the hay around 3ish and getting up about 10ish with a nap in the evening. I find I am more energized and happier this way.
What works for you?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Interesting
This is an interesting personality test. The first three questions are the important one, the 4th one is blah.
How did it work for you?
How did it work for you?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Ha Ha
Just heard a stand-up comic say this, thought it was funny:
Ha ha.
Saying "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." That's like saying "People don't take pictures, pictures take pictures or Toasters don't toast toast, toast toasts toast."
Ha ha.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Administration
This is a good, relatively short, pictorial of the people that make up the Obama Administration. Check it out if you want to see who will be calling the shots. I think his chief counsel looks like Doctor Who, the one everyone liked from the old series.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Cruise Log - Monday 10/6/08
Awoke at 7:50 am. Long way to go today. The septic tank is full. Need to find a pump out and diesel fuel.
Took two hours to find pump out and diesel. Marina was mislabeled on map. Ran aground briefly. Pump out was done by attendent. Turned out to have only needed 12 1/2 gallons of fuel.
Sailed for a couple of hours averaging about 7 kts. Had to turn on engine because of winds out of north preventing us from making good time north. Only 4 hours left and 30ish nm to go.
Arrived two hours late. Late fee will be assessed. Oh well, it was worth it.
Under Power: 6 hours
Sailed: 2 hours
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There ends the log. The speed readings were affect by current so our actual speed was probably 2 knots or so less than it read. The entire trip was fantastic. Can't wait to go again.
Oh, just saw that Mere had written down what we had to eat on most days. So here you go, how we ate like kings and queens thanks to Mere:
Tuesday: Cheese and Salami
tilapia cocunut red curry w/ guchien
Wednesday: egg, bacon toast
scallops with cider butter sage sauce, pasta, zuchini, almonds
pesto feta tomato pita pizza
Thursday: granola with blueberries, avacado toast
sandwiches with avacado sprouts
ashore: crab cakes
Saturday: eggs and hotdogs, avacado toast
steak, rosemary potatoes, corn (trailmix and grapes)
ratatouille, baked garlic
Sunday: eggs and salami, avacado taost, ratatouille
mac and cheese with tuna (stawberries and cheese)
muchjadasiah
Monday: No one remembers
Future ideas: jumbalya, red beans and rice, fettucini and olives, chillie, stew, beef and rice with pine nuts, brocolli marinara, pesto salad, stir fry
Ok, I butchered some of the words. Oy.
Took two hours to find pump out and diesel. Marina was mislabeled on map. Ran aground briefly. Pump out was done by attendent. Turned out to have only needed 12 1/2 gallons of fuel.
Sailed for a couple of hours averaging about 7 kts. Had to turn on engine because of winds out of north preventing us from making good time north. Only 4 hours left and 30ish nm to go.
Arrived two hours late. Late fee will be assessed. Oh well, it was worth it.
Under Power: 6 hours
Sailed: 2 hours
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There ends the log. The speed readings were affect by current so our actual speed was probably 2 knots or so less than it read. The entire trip was fantastic. Can't wait to go again.
Oh, just saw that Mere had written down what we had to eat on most days. So here you go, how we ate like kings and queens thanks to Mere:
Tuesday: Cheese and Salami
tilapia cocunut red curry w/ guchien
Wednesday: egg, bacon toast
scallops with cider butter sage sauce, pasta, zuchini, almonds
pesto feta tomato pita pizza
Thursday: granola with blueberries, avacado toast
sandwiches with avacado sprouts
ashore: crab cakes
Saturday: eggs and hotdogs, avacado toast
steak, rosemary potatoes, corn (trailmix and grapes)
ratatouille, baked garlic
Sunday: eggs and salami, avacado taost, ratatouille
mac and cheese with tuna (stawberries and cheese)
muchjadasiah
Monday: No one remembers
Future ideas: jumbalya, red beans and rice, fettucini and olives, chillie, stew, beef and rice with pine nuts, brocolli marinara, pesto salad, stir fry
Ok, I butchered some of the words. Oy.
Cruise Log - Sunday 10/5/08
Left much later than planned. Worried we won't make the island today. Almost hit another sailboat. Too busy playing with chat plotter. Other dude didn't see us until we were on him because we were hidden by his mainsail. He blasted the alert signal and we were able to turn just in time. 'Pleasantries' were exchanged and we continued on our way.
Made it to the party island after motoring for 7 hours and traveling some 40 nm. The island itself has a beach but a chain surrounds the entire island. It reminded me of LOST. Some good pics were taken.
Early start tomorrow. Worried about gas level since gauge is either broken or very optimistic.
Stayed up late listening to Chick Corea jass and reading tarot cards. Maybe there is something to this.
Under Power: 7 hours
Sailed: 0 hours :(
Made it to the party island after motoring for 7 hours and traveling some 40 nm. The island itself has a beach but a chain surrounds the entire island. It reminded me of LOST. Some good pics were taken.
Early start tomorrow. Worried about gas level since gauge is either broken or very optimistic.
Stayed up late listening to Chick Corea jass and reading tarot cards. Maybe there is something to this.
Under Power: 7 hours
Sailed: 0 hours :(
Cruise Log - Saturday 10/4/08
Went to bed late, woke up early with a bit of a hangover. Heading to Oxford today.
Sailed maybe an hour before having to strike sails and motor. Attempted to sail one more time just outside of Choptank Bay, no good. Motored into Oxford.
Got over fear of VHF radio and contacted Mears Yacht Haven for a transient slip. Going in bow first was pretty easy. Decided to come out and back in. Boat does not turn quickly in revers because of 3-fin feather prop. Managed to get us in w/o major incident.
Had dinner with Dad and Kim. Very yummy. Showed Dad the rigging and stuff. He nodded alot and was a good sport.
Sat up and drank a bit after they left and then hit the hay.
Under Power: 4.5 hours
Sailed: 2 hours
Sailed maybe an hour before having to strike sails and motor. Attempted to sail one more time just outside of Choptank Bay, no good. Motored into Oxford.
Got over fear of VHF radio and contacted Mears Yacht Haven for a transient slip. Going in bow first was pretty easy. Decided to come out and back in. Boat does not turn quickly in revers because of 3-fin feather prop. Managed to get us in w/o major incident.
Had dinner with Dad and Kim. Very yummy. Showed Dad the rigging and stuff. He nodded alot and was a good sport.
Sat up and drank a bit after they left and then hit the hay.
Under Power: 4.5 hours
Sailed: 2 hours
Cruise Log - Friday 10/3/06
Sun woke me up. Hung the hammock. Cleaned up 2nd anchor and dingy stuff. Ready to get underway for Harbor Point marina and a hot shower. Feel a cold coming on.
Biked into town from Solomon Yacthmans Marina where we rented a slip for the night. Hit Solomons Island Winery and then Food Lion for some additional supplies. Heading into town on foot for crabs and entertainment shortly.
Crabs were awesome. Mere had a crappy $75 psychic reading while C and I tossed rocks at a manhole cover. Went back to boat to put on warm clothed and then head to Solomons Pier.
Had too much to drink. Mudslides. Cold riding home. Feeling crappy. Great conversation with C though. Now I need to rough this out.
Brief rest on hammock fixed the sickness. Good wine. Good conversation. Feel good.
Biked into town from Solomon Yacthmans Marina where we rented a slip for the night. Hit Solomons Island Winery and then Food Lion for some additional supplies. Heading into town on foot for crabs and entertainment shortly.
Crabs were awesome. Mere had a crappy $75 psychic reading while C and I tossed rocks at a manhole cover. Went back to boat to put on warm clothed and then head to Solomons Pier.
Had too much to drink. Mudslides. Cold riding home. Feeling crappy. Great conversation with C though. Now I need to rough this out.
Brief rest on hammock fixed the sickness. Good wine. Good conversation. Feel good.
Cruise Log - Thursday 10/2/08
Rough water. Made 9.4 kts. Reefed main & genoa. Would have liked a 2nd reef. Strong weather helm.
Suffered from seasickness after staring at lap too long. M too. C took over after awhile and let me sleep until the Patatuxent River was in sight. Tried to beat around point but ran out of day light.
Couldn't find open transient slip before nightfell in Solomons. Anchored near marina. Goose came steaming over and hung out near us.
Dingy into tow. No motor, only oars. Couldn't find dingy ramp. Lots of laughing. Felt like Navy Seals on a covert mission. Ate crabs cakes at the 'Captains Table'. Watched debate.
Under Power: 1 hour
Sailed: 7 hours
Suffered from seasickness after staring at lap too long. M too. C took over after awhile and let me sleep until the Patatuxent River was in sight. Tried to beat around point but ran out of day light.
Couldn't find open transient slip before nightfell in Solomons. Anchored near marina. Goose came steaming over and hung out near us.
Dingy into tow. No motor, only oars. Couldn't find dingy ramp. Lots of laughing. Felt like Navy Seals on a covert mission. Ate crabs cakes at the 'Captains Table'. Watched debate.
Under Power: 1 hour
Sailed: 7 hours
Cruise Log - Wednesday 10/1/08
Wind picked up from 2 knots to gusting over 20. Had to turn into wind because of serious keeling. Weather helm prevented us from coming back on course. Reefed main, no good. Struck Genoa. No good. Dropped main and let out 1/3 genoa. Able to make headway. Winds died down to 10 - 15 kts about one hour later. Let out entire genoa for three hours. Under bridge. Raised all sais and shook out reef 1 hour later. Made it to cove for the night just before total darkness.
Expect small craft warning at 10 pm to tomorrow afternoon. 15+ kts sustained and gusts to 25 kts.
Felt sick all day from acid in tomato juice. Slept big chunks away. C & M did great. No seasickness.
Rigged a way to keep dingy on back of boat instead of towing.
No wind until 1:30 or so.
Under Power: 3 hours
Sailing: 5 hours
Expect small craft warning at 10 pm to tomorrow afternoon. 15+ kts sustained and gusts to 25 kts.
Felt sick all day from acid in tomato juice. Slept big chunks away. C & M did great. No seasickness.
Rigged a way to keep dingy on back of boat instead of towing.
No wind until 1:30 or so.
Under Power: 3 hours
Sailing: 5 hours
Cruise Log - Tuesday 09/30/08
I'm going to post the log I kept during the week long cruise I did a few months ago. This is the first day and is veribatim what I wrote.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Discovered table that makes a 2nd large berth doesn't lower. Slept on couch.
Dingy' are loud when under sail and being towed.
Motored most of the day. Storm front came through around 7 pm. Stopped engine and waited for wind around 4 pm. Started sailing at 5 or so. Sailed into cove and anchored around 6:30 pm. Ate dinner outside. Big storm with lightning lasted until after midnight.
Under Power: 3 hours
Sailed: 1.5 hours
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Discovered table that makes a 2nd large berth doesn't lower. Slept on couch.
Dingy' are loud when under sail and being towed.
Motored most of the day. Storm front came through around 7 pm. Stopped engine and waited for wind around 4 pm. Started sailing at 5 or so. Sailed into cove and anchored around 6:30 pm. Ate dinner outside. Big storm with lightning lasted until after midnight.
Under Power: 3 hours
Sailed: 1.5 hours
Possible Boat Slipping Away
Stupid economy.
This guy is selling a 1983 Catalina 25 for about $6000. I went to look at it on Saturday down at the Washington Sailing Marina. The slip, in which there is a wait list for over a year, conveys with the boat. The boat itself was used once or twice weekly for racing and is pretty good shape for being as old as it is. The rigging is in great condition, the inside needs a bit of work but not much and it could be cruising.
In the grand scheme of things $6000 is not a lot of money but heck if I can shake the money tree hard enough to get it. I've applied at quite a few lenders and I'm getting denied mainly because of the age of the boat and the requested amount is too low. Too low! What is up with that?
So I tried for a personal loan. Well, this is where being self-employed kicks me in the ass because they want your life history before they will even maybe possibly consider you, and even then the hurdle to jump is set so high right now you need almost perfect credit to jump it.
Actually, as much as it pains me to say it, it might not be a bad thing to miss this opportunity. I certainly have my hands full with school and contracting, and there is always charting.
Does that rational sound as hollow to you as it does to me? ;)
This guy is selling a 1983 Catalina 25 for about $6000. I went to look at it on Saturday down at the Washington Sailing Marina. The slip, in which there is a wait list for over a year, conveys with the boat. The boat itself was used once or twice weekly for racing and is pretty good shape for being as old as it is. The rigging is in great condition, the inside needs a bit of work but not much and it could be cruising.
In the grand scheme of things $6000 is not a lot of money but heck if I can shake the money tree hard enough to get it. I've applied at quite a few lenders and I'm getting denied mainly because of the age of the boat and the requested amount is too low. Too low! What is up with that?
So I tried for a personal loan. Well, this is where being self-employed kicks me in the ass because they want your life history before they will even maybe possibly consider you, and even then the hurdle to jump is set so high right now you need almost perfect credit to jump it.
Actually, as much as it pains me to say it, it might not be a bad thing to miss this opportunity. I certainly have my hands full with school and contracting, and there is always charting.
Does that rational sound as hollow to you as it does to me? ;)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Battlestar Galactica - Grumpy Ex-Star
I came across this written by Dirk Benedict, the original Starbuck. It is on a blog called 'Big Hollywood' which is an attempt to fight back against big bad liberal Hollywood. Its full of silly but fun.
My favorite part:
Wow. Everytime I learn one of the actors I like turns out to be a right-wing crazy person it makes me question why I like them. Then I remember acting doesn't have to have anything to do with your polictics. So I can like the characters they play and the way they are played, but dislike their views otherwise.
Crazy. The comments are fun there too.
My favorite part:
There was a time, I know I was there, when men were men, women were women and sometimes a cigar was just a good smoke. But 40 years of feminism have taken their toll. The war against masculinity has been won. Everything has turned into its opposite, so that what was once flirting and smoking is now sexual harassment and criminal. And everyone is more lonely and miserable as a result.
Wow. Everytime I learn one of the actors I like turns out to be a right-wing crazy person it makes me question why I like them. Then I remember acting doesn't have to have anything to do with your polictics. So I can like the characters they play and the way they are played, but dislike their views otherwise.
Crazy. The comments are fun there too.
Battlestar Galactica - Wait, What?
************** SPOILERS - SPOILERS - SPOILERS ****************
This is why I should finish watching an entire episode before writing a post. So, one-eye's deceased wife is the 5th. Seriously? Who even gives a crap about her? He killed her off seasons ago. What is the deal with Starbuck then?
Huh.
This is why I should finish watching an entire episode before writing a post. So, one-eye's deceased wife is the 5th. Seriously? Who even gives a crap about her? He killed her off seasons ago. What is the deal with Starbuck then?
Huh.
Battlestar Galactica - Through the Looking Glass
*********** SPOILERS - SPOILERS - SPOILERS *************
Ok, so let me get this straight. Starbuck is the 5th. Earth was nuked 2000 years ago. The 13th tribe was a tribe of cylons that populated Earth, thus implying that all of us are Cylons (which is pretty cool, if that's what they implied). Black chick with blue eyes blows her head off - apparently because she found a game of jacks on Earth - after a good night with Lee (totally didn't see that coming), so now he is fucked. Edward James Olmos can't play a drunk crazy person worth shit but Adama's character's decent into crazyville along with Roslin and apparently the entire fleet is pretty cool. And tiny tim is hopping around looking like a sad puppy dog left out in the rain with no purpose in life and questions that nobody can answer.
What the hell?
Ok, so let me get this straight. Starbuck is the 5th. Earth was nuked 2000 years ago. The 13th tribe was a tribe of cylons that populated Earth, thus implying that all of us are Cylons (which is pretty cool, if that's what they implied). Black chick with blue eyes blows her head off - apparently because she found a game of jacks on Earth - after a good night with Lee (totally didn't see that coming), so now he is fucked. Edward James Olmos can't play a drunk crazy person worth shit but Adama's character's decent into crazyville along with Roslin and apparently the entire fleet is pretty cool. And tiny tim is hopping around looking like a sad puppy dog left out in the rain with no purpose in life and questions that nobody can answer.
What the hell?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Burned In My Brain
Ok, this is what will go through my head everytime something says something dramatic for now on. So if I start laughing, you'll know why.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Let's Go To DC Sunday!
I'm staying the hell away from the fuster cluck that will be DC on Tuesday, but this is on Sunday evening and I'm so going. Thinking about trying to get down into DC around 5 pm to eat dinner and find parking. Anyone want to join me?
R
R
Dinner in Paris
If I ever get my ass over to Paris, I won't to go over to this dudes house. Stupid Paris. Why can't he do it in the States?
Jim Haynes
Jim Haynes
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Introspection - Stream of Consciousness
I set here writing this while listening to Sarah McLachlan (thus the previous song post) and find myself in a really strange mood. I haven't done one of these stream of consciousness posts in a while so lets see where this one goes.
On New Year's day I started to think about what 2009 would be like, to get a gut feel for it. Usually when I do this I get some general idea for what is coming down the pike, who knows why, and I don't really care how. The last few years I've felt positive about and they have been positive. Is it the feeling that makes the year or something else? Again, I really don't care. This year, though, I feel like a dark cloud is around the corner. I don't get the same excited anticipation I have in the past. This year it feels like everything will just cancel out. Good and bad. And throw away year. At the same time I feel like there is a choice coming that will set the course for the rest of the year. If I choose wrong, it'll be that throw away year with a bunch of pain and suffering along with a bunch of good stuff. If I choose right, it'll be pretty smooth sailing. I have no idea what or when that choice is but I do feel like it is soon. Will it be a health crisis? Financial? Maybe not even mine directly but someone I know? Could it be emotional? Is this the year it all comes crashing down or when I loose control? What is this gnawing feeling in my gut that comes and goes. I don't know. Maybe just stress from the before-mentioned project and class.
I find myself wanted to get away, wanting to change. Well, I did. Two days ago I was having a really hard time. My stress was at an all time high. I had been staying up until 5 am every night for over a week working on this thing. I had changed when I take my meds to before bedtime to see if that would help with sleep (it did). It also gave me really vivid dreams. But late Wednesday night I dealt with something I haven't dealt with in over 10 years...an almost full blown anxiety attack. It didn't get there but I had some really dark thoughts and violent feelings going through me. It was really scary. It was the first time in, I don't even know how long that I honestly thought I was nearing the edge of a steep cliff. Is that how people feel before they have a breakdown? They just take that step over the edge and down they go? I don't know but I never want to be there again. I got the hell out of the house on Thursday and this evening and I'm not letting myself get to that point of stress again. I mean, what was the point? What was driving me to knock this stupid project out that I am going to end up loosing potential cash on? I still made time to hang out with friends here and there but I was cutting it short to get back to work. I NEVER do that. I've always felt that a healthy social life was more important than any slavish plodding along at work. Christ, I'm trying to get out of this field all together. I think. Am I? I don't even know. Sometimes it is fun developing because I'm good at it and it does satisfy some of my needs. But it doesn't give me that deep lasting feeling I crave. Like I'm really making a difference. Who am I making a difference for? Some guy that wants to rent apartments out? Wow, that is some world changing shit right there. Pointless.
Lest anyone gets concerned, let me put your mind at ease. I am doing well. I've certainly been in lower lows and I don't know that I would even call whatever this is a low. It is just a transition. Things are changing and sometimes I struggle to let it happen and to accept it. I think I adapt very well to new situations but that doesn't mean I embrace it. I have been having trouble believing that there is a Harry for every Sally on some days. On other days I'm sure of it. Lately I have been lonely but I'm ok with it, mostly. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. Being ok with being lonely, sad or angry is a good thing. Embracing those emotions and just sitting with them, not pushing them away, is the way to go. It is hard, but it makes a difference.
Jeez, no on is going to ready this thing. I'm certainly not going to reread it tonight. That defeats the purpose. A friend mentioned a question that was posed to him a couple of nights ago by someone. The question was: What was the last thing you regretted? Regret. Do I honestly regret anything? I don't mean the 'opps, that was stupid' sort of regret or the 'i didn't mean to hurt you type'. I mean the bone numbing, life changing, can-drive-you-to-the-edge-if-you-obsess-over-it sort of regret. I don't know that I do. There are decisions that, given the choice, I would do over but I don't know that I regret them. I've caused pain to others and I feel like shit about it. I've done things that have caused pain and hardship to me and only me as well. Would I do it differently? Fuck yes. Could I have done it differently? I doubt it. You are who you are when you make decisions. All of the things that go into that choice - hope, fear, passion, logic - are unique to that moment in time. Would you make the same choice now if knew then what you know now? Probably not. Its the same deal with looking forward. Does it make sense to plan? Absolutely. Does it make sense to stay strictly within that plan? I don't think so, at least not for me. I rather have a general idea, a target, to aim for with the understanding that that target can change in a heart beat. Facts on the ground and all that crap.
Blah, I'm going places that aren't useful to me, but it is stuff on my mind. I read that this guy tried to commit suicide by lighting himself on fire in front of a bunch of people. Shortly after he lit himself up he had a change of heart and threw himself on the ground and rolled around to extinguish the flame. Unfortunately, he rolled himself right off a cliff and fell to his death. Can you imagine that? That guy was so desperate he decided to end it. But the moment it was real, that he was really on his way out, he changed his mind. Hope sprung eternal. Then he rolled off a cliff trying to save his life. There is a lesson in that somewhere but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.
I think I'm running out of steam here. At least for now. I've had scrubbing bubbles sitting in the shower for the past two hours and I think it is time to go back to battle. If some friends of mine end up somewhere hanging out tonight I might join them. I need companionship, closeness, some form on intimacy, even if it is just close friends. I'm craving it. I'm craving more than that but that will come, eventually.
In the meantime, I'm going to just go with what comes and stay present in the moment. And you know what? Despite it all, despite the stress and the loneliness and mess that is my house and my life I am more happy than not. I am more true to myself than I have ever been and I really feel I am going in the right direction for myself. I have no clue where it'll take me, but isn't that part of the fun?
On New Year's day I started to think about what 2009 would be like, to get a gut feel for it. Usually when I do this I get some general idea for what is coming down the pike, who knows why, and I don't really care how. The last few years I've felt positive about and they have been positive. Is it the feeling that makes the year or something else? Again, I really don't care. This year, though, I feel like a dark cloud is around the corner. I don't get the same excited anticipation I have in the past. This year it feels like everything will just cancel out. Good and bad. And throw away year. At the same time I feel like there is a choice coming that will set the course for the rest of the year. If I choose wrong, it'll be that throw away year with a bunch of pain and suffering along with a bunch of good stuff. If I choose right, it'll be pretty smooth sailing. I have no idea what or when that choice is but I do feel like it is soon. Will it be a health crisis? Financial? Maybe not even mine directly but someone I know? Could it be emotional? Is this the year it all comes crashing down or when I loose control? What is this gnawing feeling in my gut that comes and goes. I don't know. Maybe just stress from the before-mentioned project and class.
I find myself wanted to get away, wanting to change. Well, I did. Two days ago I was having a really hard time. My stress was at an all time high. I had been staying up until 5 am every night for over a week working on this thing. I had changed when I take my meds to before bedtime to see if that would help with sleep (it did). It also gave me really vivid dreams. But late Wednesday night I dealt with something I haven't dealt with in over 10 years...an almost full blown anxiety attack. It didn't get there but I had some really dark thoughts and violent feelings going through me. It was really scary. It was the first time in, I don't even know how long that I honestly thought I was nearing the edge of a steep cliff. Is that how people feel before they have a breakdown? They just take that step over the edge and down they go? I don't know but I never want to be there again. I got the hell out of the house on Thursday and this evening and I'm not letting myself get to that point of stress again. I mean, what was the point? What was driving me to knock this stupid project out that I am going to end up loosing potential cash on? I still made time to hang out with friends here and there but I was cutting it short to get back to work. I NEVER do that. I've always felt that a healthy social life was more important than any slavish plodding along at work. Christ, I'm trying to get out of this field all together. I think. Am I? I don't even know. Sometimes it is fun developing because I'm good at it and it does satisfy some of my needs. But it doesn't give me that deep lasting feeling I crave. Like I'm really making a difference. Who am I making a difference for? Some guy that wants to rent apartments out? Wow, that is some world changing shit right there. Pointless.
Lest anyone gets concerned, let me put your mind at ease. I am doing well. I've certainly been in lower lows and I don't know that I would even call whatever this is a low. It is just a transition. Things are changing and sometimes I struggle to let it happen and to accept it. I think I adapt very well to new situations but that doesn't mean I embrace it. I have been having trouble believing that there is a Harry for every Sally on some days. On other days I'm sure of it. Lately I have been lonely but I'm ok with it, mostly. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. Being ok with being lonely, sad or angry is a good thing. Embracing those emotions and just sitting with them, not pushing them away, is the way to go. It is hard, but it makes a difference.
Jeez, no on is going to ready this thing. I'm certainly not going to reread it tonight. That defeats the purpose. A friend mentioned a question that was posed to him a couple of nights ago by someone. The question was: What was the last thing you regretted? Regret. Do I honestly regret anything? I don't mean the 'opps, that was stupid' sort of regret or the 'i didn't mean to hurt you type'. I mean the bone numbing, life changing, can-drive-you-to-the-edge-if-you-obsess-over-it sort of regret. I don't know that I do. There are decisions that, given the choice, I would do over but I don't know that I regret them. I've caused pain to others and I feel like shit about it. I've done things that have caused pain and hardship to me and only me as well. Would I do it differently? Fuck yes. Could I have done it differently? I doubt it. You are who you are when you make decisions. All of the things that go into that choice - hope, fear, passion, logic - are unique to that moment in time. Would you make the same choice now if knew then what you know now? Probably not. Its the same deal with looking forward. Does it make sense to plan? Absolutely. Does it make sense to stay strictly within that plan? I don't think so, at least not for me. I rather have a general idea, a target, to aim for with the understanding that that target can change in a heart beat. Facts on the ground and all that crap.
Blah, I'm going places that aren't useful to me, but it is stuff on my mind. I read that this guy tried to commit suicide by lighting himself on fire in front of a bunch of people. Shortly after he lit himself up he had a change of heart and threw himself on the ground and rolled around to extinguish the flame. Unfortunately, he rolled himself right off a cliff and fell to his death. Can you imagine that? That guy was so desperate he decided to end it. But the moment it was real, that he was really on his way out, he changed his mind. Hope sprung eternal. Then he rolled off a cliff trying to save his life. There is a lesson in that somewhere but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.
I think I'm running out of steam here. At least for now. I've had scrubbing bubbles sitting in the shower for the past two hours and I think it is time to go back to battle. If some friends of mine end up somewhere hanging out tonight I might join them. I need companionship, closeness, some form on intimacy, even if it is just close friends. I'm craving it. I'm craving more than that but that will come, eventually.
In the meantime, I'm going to just go with what comes and stay present in the moment. And you know what? Despite it all, despite the stress and the loneliness and mess that is my house and my life I am more happy than not. I am more true to myself than I have ever been and I really feel I am going in the right direction for myself. I have no clue where it'll take me, but isn't that part of the fun?
Where Has Ryan Been
So, other than that little Israel rant you may have noticed all I have really been posting later has been songs and such. I've been in a weird place the past couple of weeks, ever since the week of Christmas really. I've been working on this short-term contract that was due today almost non-stop. I haven't put this much time and energy into a work project in years, almost to the exclusion of everything else. This week I started to get close to a snapping point with all of the loose threads I let dangle in the wind.
When I was back in H-Town I had something of a hard time of it. Memories kept creeping in of good and bad times and they just kept dogging me. I fell back into old habits and dynamics while relating to my mom sometimes and the frustration and anger I used to feel would come rushing back. Other times I would fall into a funk thinking about times and people past. It was a roller coaster of emotions and memories. Now, it isn't like it was all bad. I enjoyed the time with my family and was able to spend time with old friends I haven't seen in a while. There was some strain sometimes even then, but it was ok. I guess you really can never go back. There is another one I didn't really understand until now.
With this project I found myself not knocking out my homework. Fantastic. So now I have a five page paper and a two page paper due by Sunday in which I have starter neither. On top of that, I kept forgetting to order my books for the class that starts on Monday. I finally was able to do it today and it cost me $75 to ship them so I receive them in time. $75! Fascists.
Get this, though. I cleaned my bathroom. I know, big deal, right? But it is! Scrubbing bubbles are amazing! It still has aways to go but good god can cleaning be theraputic. Why didn't someone tell me this before! I can have a lean house, beat CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome), and feel good all at once! Love it.
Introspection coming next.
When I was back in H-Town I had something of a hard time of it. Memories kept creeping in of good and bad times and they just kept dogging me. I fell back into old habits and dynamics while relating to my mom sometimes and the frustration and anger I used to feel would come rushing back. Other times I would fall into a funk thinking about times and people past. It was a roller coaster of emotions and memories. Now, it isn't like it was all bad. I enjoyed the time with my family and was able to spend time with old friends I haven't seen in a while. There was some strain sometimes even then, but it was ok. I guess you really can never go back. There is another one I didn't really understand until now.
With this project I found myself not knocking out my homework. Fantastic. So now I have a five page paper and a two page paper due by Sunday in which I have starter neither. On top of that, I kept forgetting to order my books for the class that starts on Monday. I finally was able to do it today and it cost me $75 to ship them so I receive them in time. $75! Fascists.
Get this, though. I cleaned my bathroom. I know, big deal, right? But it is! Scrubbing bubbles are amazing! It still has aways to go but good god can cleaning be theraputic. Why didn't someone tell me this before! I can have a lean house, beat CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome), and feel good all at once! Love it.
Introspection coming next.
"Possession"
"Possession" - Sarah McLachlan
Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Israel
So Israeli mortars hit near a school today and killed some 30 people.
Can someone please explain to me how their heavy-handed approach isn't much much worse than the rockets being launched into Israel from Gaza? Last I looked the death toll difference between the two is HUGE. How in the hell is this a rational response?
The US needs to play a more neutral and even-handed role in negotiations in the future, please.
Can someone please explain to me how their heavy-handed approach isn't much much worse than the rockets being launched into Israel from Gaza? Last I looked the death toll difference between the two is HUGE. How in the hell is this a rational response?
The US needs to play a more neutral and even-handed role in negotiations in the future, please.
Monday, January 05, 2009
"candlelight"
NOTE: This is the post I referred to awhile back. I had initially posted it about a week ago but it kept the original date/time I wrote it so you probably didn't see it. So here it is.
I came across a movie tonight that was on the TV and watched it. Definately a chick flick but I was in that sorta mood I guess. Anyway, at different points in the movie the main character narrates a poem. There was one in particular that really tugged at me and I decided to post it here.
The movie is called "Fall".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
candlelight.
steel blue-grey clouds over small lights.
sweet balance and snowflakes on the steps waiting,
like me,
for you to fall.
if only you were able to move…
to go, to fly, to fall.
i know how deep your smile,
how hard your love,
how far your longing,
how wild your pleasure…
if you were able to fall.
to see you there then would tickle me crazy.
to see you there in the embrace of that fall.
but i already know that view…
you have that smile.
your eyes for another bring that…
that love, that joy, that fall…
therefore i hum,
i sigh,
i giggle,
i kiss,
i smile,
i know,
i bow,
i go…
having had the joy,
having had the very joy i’ve ever desired for you,
only for you,
and your fall…
…for him.
I came across a movie tonight that was on the TV and watched it. Definately a chick flick but I was in that sorta mood I guess. Anyway, at different points in the movie the main character narrates a poem. There was one in particular that really tugged at me and I decided to post it here.
The movie is called "Fall".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
candlelight.
steel blue-grey clouds over small lights.
sweet balance and snowflakes on the steps waiting,
like me,
for you to fall.
if only you were able to move…
to go, to fly, to fall.
i know how deep your smile,
how hard your love,
how far your longing,
how wild your pleasure…
if you were able to fall.
to see you there then would tickle me crazy.
to see you there in the embrace of that fall.
but i already know that view…
you have that smile.
your eyes for another bring that…
that love, that joy, that fall…
therefore i hum,
i sigh,
i giggle,
i kiss,
i smile,
i know,
i bow,
i go…
having had the joy,
having had the very joy i’ve ever desired for you,
only for you,
and your fall…
…for him.
"Fades Away"
"Fades Away" -Gary Hoey
NOTE: Gotta select the right song from the list on MySpace.
NOTE: Gotta select the right song from the list on MySpace.
You don't miss me when I'm gone
I didn't notice that you changed your hair
You don't look at me when we make love
I try to act like I just don't care
All the little things that used to make us laugh
Had turned to gray like a faded photograph
How do we find a love that lasts to the end of time?
When love fades away I want you to know
I'm not gone away
When love fades away I need you to know
I'll be here to stay
When love fades away
Infatuation is gone
Love ain't greener on the other side
Let's find a love that makes us strong
I came back here to swallow my pride
All the little things that used to make us cry
Have turned to stone and left us here to die
How do we find a love that was yours and mine?
When love fades away I want you to know
I'm not gone away
When love fades away I need you to know
I'll be here to stay
When love fades away
When love fades away I want you to know
I'm not gone away
When love fades away I need you to know
I'll be here to stay
When love fades away
When love fades away I need you to know
I'll be here to stay
When love fades away
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Best Thing Ever
Besides the fact that an old white guy is singing the lyrics to Shaft is that the first cut scene to the audience is to the only black guy in the room. Oh, and that the entire thing is performed on the Ukulele.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Just Woke Up
It is 5 pm or so. I just woke up.
Great. Now my sleep schedule is upside-down like my mortgage.
Great. Now my sleep schedule is upside-down like my mortgage.
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