Fricken Astrology

So this site was recently mentioned on another blog and I spent some time poking around it. Recently, hippy magic has started to play a larger interest in my life. Just to put it in perspective, I don't care why something works. If it appears to have an affect or is more accurate than not, that is good enough for me.

Anyway, like I said I started to poke around on the site and read about Gemini's. As I found out recently, I'm a triple gem so that makes it pretty easy to remember my moon and ascendent signs. I thought I'd quote some stuff and then add some commentary, just because.

Gemini is the Third Sign of the Zodiac, associated with storytellers, communicators and youth.

I don't know about youth but the first two fit. I love telling stories, even though I suck at it from time to time. And communication, well...yea.

these individuals should strive to learn perseverence and cultivate depth. They need to aspire to substance as well as style, attempting to take themselves...and their words...more seriously.

Damn it.

organize personal experiences in order to form a unique picture of the world and then communicate those perceptions to others

If this doesn't sum up what I've been about for the past year or so I don't know what does. At least in my head, anyway.

The opposite sign to Gemini is Saggitarius. From Saggitarius, Gemini can learn to absorb a broader view of life and provide structure to the mass of information which is inherently collected. Thus, can Gemini natives learn to discover the truth.

This makes me sad.

Negative Traits: changeable, restless, inquisitive, inconsistent, superficial, cunning, nervous, tense and something of a gossip.

It seems to be that changeable and inquisitiv aren't necessarily bad traits? Cunning as well. Superficial...boo.

And a gossip, me? Ha!

Likes: talking, novelty, variety, anything unusual and working on multiple projects at the same time.

Dislikes: being alone, being in a rut, mental inaction, conventional learning and feeling tied down.

Yes indeed. The conventional learning part in particular. Totally dropped out of college because of that stuff. Couldn't get into it.

Spiritual Goal: To learn how to cooperate

That one is interesting for a lot of reasons I'm not sure I can get into right now.

Gemini natives are imaginative, generous and affectionate, but their frequent desire for change often makes them dissatisfied with existing conditions. Friends of those born under this influence of this Sign love the cheerfulness, quick wit and lively mind inherent in the Gemini make-up, but are often puzzled by the displays of withdrawal which are also a feature of this Zodiac Sign.

The 'displays of withdrawal' bit on this one is what really caught my attention. I go through these phases, pretty short on either side, of wanting to hang out with people and be totally active...and then close myself in my house and not go anywhere. They usually cycle through several times a week. Nothing personal, just need to recharge I guess.

In short, due to an insatiable urge to invade new territory, the Gemini individual tends to be free with what he or she does not need or want and may frequently neglect or reject much that could be useful and/or valuable.

Ain't that the truth.

that alhough they have been born under two lucky stars (instead of just one, like most others), this double luck can run out and result in nothing.

This vexes me.

it is important for Gemini individuals to be in touch with those who understand them. If not, then there is a tendency to wilt and undergo an intellectual suffering that few will be able to fully comprehend.

Ya, understanding is pretty important. In some past relationships I've felt I had to justify my actions or couldn't be who I was. That sucked and made for a depressed Ryan.

Gemini's reach for the perfect human relationship will probably mean that such an individual is constantly disappointed until he or she realizes that there truly is no such thing as a "perfect relationship." Indeed, it may be Gemini's secret fear that he or she will never find a true "soul-mate" for life.

Sad again. Stupid fears.

There is a tendency here to want everything to go smoothly and according to plan without any personal effort.

This is something that still can get to me but I think I have dealt with this one pretty well. Back in High School I used to get SO bent out-of-shape when my plans would fall apart. I mean like super frustrated and pissy. I dealt with that mostly by not putting together concrete plans anymore. Now I try to come up with a 'framework'...a generalized idea of what I want to do but try to remain very flexible. That works well for me.

Gemini individuals need constant feedback for the good of their souls.

In other words, 'COMMENT DAMN IT!'. :D

[snip]...coupled with an amusingly biased outlook on varying human situations. With regard to serious issues, however, Gemini is invariably scrupulously fair and unbiased.

Displayed without comment.

can close a potentially romantic chapter with more finality than any other male of the Zodiac when he suspects something valuable and dear will be lost to him should he choose to continue.

Again w/o comment.

However, there is often a tendency toward greyness rather early in life.

That was in the physical appearance section talking about hair. Wild.

the swift mental activity of the inherent Gemini character coupled with the emotionality of the Moon causes feelings to be held in too much scrutiny. The Gemini Moon expresses emotions in an uneven and inconsistent manner while harboring a direct need to speak the truth.

This bit more or less describes what has gotten me into the situation I find myself. My conversation on Monday morning was all about this and getting permission to be Ok with my feelings and not have to evaluate them. Inconsistency is the bain of my existence sometimes.

The Gemini Sun/Gemini Moon combination produces what could be described as a personality of very high voltage electricity. This will not be a steady and smooth flow of electricity, but rather one composed of static charges which are constantly active and bound from one place to another. [snip] No matter how hard Gemini natives ruled by a Gemini Moon might try, they are not apt to "burn a hole" of concentrative intensity through anything.

Word. I like the last sentence the most. Several years ago when I first started toying with the idea of taking medication one of my main reasons was because I couldn't concentrate on anything for a long period of time. ADD runs in the male side of the family so I figured that a 'magic pill' may be able to help me out. Well, while meds have helped with some anxiety stuff my ability to concentrate is still shit. But I've come to accept it more and an embrace it.



Ok, this has gotten long enough. Found it interesting and helpful. Go look up your stuff!

"Fix It!"

From SNL Weekend Update on Thursday night. Fix It!. Starts about 1/3 the way in.

Taken the First Step

Well, that post helped a lot. As well as some of the encouragement I've received from others for quite a while. I contacted the one person I think that may be able to help me take the first steps towards whatever is next and will be meeting Monday morning.

Now I'm all sorts of anxious about it. I didn't think I would be, but there you go.

In any case, I imagine change will be acoming.

Circumstances and Emotion

UPDATED AT BOTTOM

I fear I am suffering from circumstances of my own creating.

In general, things are moving along nicely. Granted, I have no steady job, but I have enough money to get by for a couple of months to give me time to come up with something. I'm starting to look more like a bowling pin than a stick, but various tests (Doctor and others) say I'm basically healthy, just out-of-shape. Where I am suffering is in the romantic area of life, and it is my fault.

I've come along tremendously in understanding and dealing with my crap from an intellectual point of view. What I have fallen flat on is in dealing with my emotional maturity, or lack there of. Plainly, I suck at connecting with people on an emotional level. It isn't that I can't do it, it is that I am scared to death to do it.

I can feel this tight ball of emotion kinda wrapped up nice and tidy deep in my chest and it scares me to even think about started to unwrap it. I don't know why and maybe I don't need to know why. Maybe it is just one of those things that I just need to do and not evaluate?

I thought dealing with anxiety and some other issues were tough. That stuff was a piece of cake compared to what I feel this is going to be. I know where to start. I even know who to talk to. But I feel paralyzed to do it.

As a result of this fear and inability (or unwillingness?) to act I think I lost, or am well on my way to doing so, a relationship that was very important to me. And that cuts me to the bone.

So I feel trapped in circumstances of my own making. I know the way out. Why can't I take that first step?

UPDATE: Just a point of clarification. When I speak about that ball of emotion it isn't about a single relationship. It is something that has been forming for years, ever since I started controlling my emotion rather than experiencing it.

More Proof...

...that my boy knows what he is doing.

Watch Me

And just remember:

Hahahahahaha

WTF?

The Economy

Why does the economy tanking not send me into the corner to rock back and forth and fear the next 'great depression'? I have no idea. It certainly is bad. But I can't see how it could possibly be 'great depression' bad. There are no runs on the banks. They are talking about even uping the FDIC limits. We just forked over $700 BILLION to the idiots that got us in this mess in the first place. It was stupid to do, particularly given their track record, but it was better than doing nothing.

People are calling the floor of the Dow to be around 7300 points. That's just about 50% off of its peak. That is quite the dive, surely, and for those with money in 401k and other stocks its devastating. But only in the short term. That sucker will come back up and it'll be on more solid funding. The market has been riding one bubble after another since the mid-90s. It would have been nice to have a slow adjustment but it would have happened sooner or later.

The problems that caused this are systemic. Our markets are reactionary. The only way systemic problems were going to be addressed were by a reaction to something huge, like this. The deregulators that have been trying to roll back New Deal regulations succeeded and we all got to reap what they sowed. Hopefully, when the adults are in power again, they can re-establish regulations and get rid of the 'Wall Street Magic' bullshit constructions that led to this stuff. Get rid of this magic accounting crap that allows firms to push their bad investments to shell companies and to make up BS constructs like the Credit Default Swap packages so that no one knows who has what or how much it is worth.

What I am saying is this. The economy wreck doesn't send me into an apoplectic fear because this is what had to happen to fix the rot at the center of the financial markets. This is a good thing. Eventually.

Totem

"Totem" - Rush

I've got twelve disciples and a Buddha smile
Garden of Allah, Viking Valhalla
A miracle once in a while

I've got a pantheon of animals in a pagan soul
Vishnu and Gaia, Aztec and Maya
Dance around my totem pole
Totem pole...

I believe in what I see
I believe in what I hear
I believe that what I'm feeling
Changes how the world appears

Angels and demons dancing in my head
Lunatics and monsters underneath my bed
Media messiahs preying on my fears
Pop culture prophets playing in my ears

I've got celestial mechanics
To synchronize my stars
Seasonal migrations, daily variations
World of the unlikely and bizarre

I've got idols and icons, unspoken holy vows
Thoughts to keep well-hidden
Sacred and forbidden
Free to browse among the holy cows

That's why I believe

Angels and demons inside of me
Saviors and Satans all around me

Sweet chariot, swing low, coming for me

Resist

"Resist" - Rush

I can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to coexist
With anything but pain

I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I can't explain

I can learn to resist
Anything but frustration
I can learn to persist
With anything but aiming low

I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I don't know

You can surrender
Without a prayer
But never really pray
Pray without surrender

You can fight
Without ever winning
But never ever win
Without a fight

I can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to coexist
With anything but pain

I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I can't explain

Next Trip

I've wanted to hit the North East for a long time. I've hit all the major parts of the country at one point or another and I've been to most of the continental United States. But I have not yet been to the North East past Rhode Island. Primarily I want to hit Maine and Vermont and I think doing it now, like within a couple of days, is starting to make the most sense for me. Mostly because of weather considerations (not too cold yet and the leaves changing).

So I'm pretty close to tossing some stuff in the Jeep and heading out for another week or so. No plan. No real destination other than the nebulous North East.

Anyway want to watch Mimic for me when I go?

'Know What We Are Doing'

During the primaries, I was all kinds of second guessing the Obama campaigns methods and such. Then I came across a quote from an Obama staffer that said something along the lines of 'Trust us. We know what we are doing.' Turns out, they did know what they were doing indeed.

I haven't forgotten that. So when I came across this picture I thought it was absolutely perfect to express that confidence:


Trust them. They have it under control.

Docked

Boat all tidied up back at the home port. More pics coming once Clyde can weed through them.

Heeling

Boat heeling to starboard on the way home.

Last night

This is the small private island we anchored next to for our last night. Mere cooked up a great dish and the weather was fantastic. Perfect last night.

No Wind

The wind dropped down to a crappy 3 knots so we decided to drop the sails and motor. We need to make Oxford today to meet up with my Dad and step. This is a view from where I am sitting with my back against the mast.

Helm

Picture of the helm while under sail. The autopilot is sorta holding a course.

Under Sail

Sailing from Solomons to Oxford.

Fruity Drinks

I must stay with more hard drinks when I drink hard liquor. Fruity and/or sweet drinks don't cut it. And bike rides. Bike rides and drinking do not sit with me.

Boat Drinks!

Ok, it is a mudslide, but still yummy. This is at Solomons Pier bar. C and I are sitting on the back bar on the dock in the bay.

Wine Cat

Mimi the wine cat at Solomons Island Winery. Wine was fruity.

Opps

Bacon is a little over done.

View from my berth

This is a view of the kitchen from where I sleep.

At Dock

Boat ties up in Solomons. Mere chillin in the rigged hammock.

Back Online!

So the outlets in the boat apparently do not run on the house batteries, only shore power. My phone crapped out Tuesday evening. We are currently docked at Solomons Island until tomorrow morning. Late wednesday afternoon and through thursday was some crazy weather. Winds gusting up to 27 knots (alomst gale force). Awesome.

Rest of the trip should be mild and relaxed. More later.

Our Ride

32' Catalina

The Storm

A storm closing in on us. Eek!

Pirates!

Our Flag!

The Car

Car packed with way too much stuff.

Lage Hadron Rap

You have probably heard of the LHC and the concerns over black holes eating the universe, etc. This is a rap about the collider and what it hopes to do. Very cool.

Test post from phone

Mimic in is normal 'bear rug' sleep position.

Adventures in Sailing! - Preparation Observations

In my first post in this shotgun shot of posts I talked about spending a bunch of time researching crap for this trip. In the second post I mentioned obsession. Obviously I'm a little obsessed about this right now. What surprised me the most in regards to this preparation is just how much there is to do to get ready for a week long cruise. For some reason, I didn't even think about how much thought would have to go into just meals and provisioning. I know, duh, but there you go. Three meals a day over a week translates into 21 meals that have to be accounted for in the provisioning. That means you need some sort of idea of how many times you plan on eating off the boat vs on, which ties into some sort of idea of where you want to go and stop. That's hard to do when we want our schedule as open and flexible as possible. So I opted for just ideas of places we could possibly go and that looked interesting, and we will probably just get way more food than we need. A framework, if you would.

Another observation have been how my feelings towards this cruise have been bouncing around. I've been consistently excited but for a while I was really nervous about the checkout part. Now that isn't really bothering so much because I think just the shear amount of preparation has kept me busy. I'm sure it'll creep back in tomorrow morning though.

Yay for learning!

Adventures in Sailing! - Quotes

I purchased this book called 'Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Started Sailing'. I basically goes through the alphabet and has short entries for everything under the sun in regards to sailing in it by a guy that has been sailing forever, including some circumnavigations I think.

Anyway, through out the book there are some quotes taken from others that I have found really really cool. I wanted to post a few of them that I really liked.

The first has to do with sailing becoming an obsession. I think my experience over the past week pretty much testifies that I've caught that bug. The quote is from E. B. White and goes 'If a man must be obsessed by something, I suppose a boat is as good as anything, perhaps a bit better than most'. Amen.

The next one turns out to be from a book my mother used to read to my brother and I back in the day, 'The Wind in the Willows'. In it, Mole is talking to Rat and admits he has never been on a boat before. Rat, astonished, replies, 'there is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats'. To this I have to totally agree. One of the reasons sailing has always been in the back of my head even while I had the speedboat was because there is so much more to DO in sail boats. Rat continues, 'In or out of'em, it doesn't matter. Nothing seems to matter, really, that's the charm of it. whether you get away, or whether you don't; whether you arrive at your destination or whether you reach somewhere else, or whether you never get anywhere at all, you're always busy, and you never do anything in particular, and when you've done it there's always something else to do...'. Love that and I am totally looking forward to never doing anything in particular.

Fear is the subject of the next quote. Fear is a part of sailing, no matter how experienced you are. This quote is straight from the author and says: 'Part of the attraction of sailing is that it frightens the pants off you now and then. Those of us who spend most of our lives cosseted in the comforts of civilization seem to crave the occasional brush with a manageable slice of terror, the better by contrast to appreciate those comforts. So we go sailing, we get a little scared, and everyone's happy.' That quote really put some perspective on this for me. I had never thought of being attracted to the scary times as part of the deal but it is true. I literally can not WAIT to sail in heavy weather. To have to fight the weather helm to keep the boat from broaching and wave whacking her on the beam all the while the wind and rain is pelting my face and I'm laughing in utter joy. Goose bumps, right there.

Finally, and this one applies to everyday life really, not just sailing, is this quote from the author: 'Three thoughts will keep you safe and add much to your enjoyment of a voyage. Think simple, think strong, think upside down.'. I already have the upside down part well practiced.

Adventures in Sailing!

Tomorrow is the start of the big trip. For my first barebone chartering do I do something short to build confidence? Hahahahahahahahaha, no. What do I do? I charter for a week with a couple that is close to me starting at the head of the Chesapeake Bay in waters that aren't the easiest to navigate. The wind forecast looks like its going to be a biatch to make our way down to more open waters because Aberdeen Proving Grounds and their restricted water ways (restricted because of unexploded ammunition) restricts the amount of water there is to work in. Add to that thunderstorms during the day and what you get is the first day being the most challenging of the entire trip.

With that said, I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this trip. I could hardly sleep last night. I was like a kid trying to sleep the night before Christmas. I've spent the last week pouring over maps of the bay and looking at wind and weather forecasts. I have lists within lists of stuff. I think half of the reason I'm doing so much is because I need something to do. The other half has to do with mitigating some anxiety I have around this thing.

Other than some T-Storms on Tuesday and rain on Wednesday, the weather for the rest of the trip looks fantastic. Sunny days with the temp at or near 70 degrees. The evenings are going to be a little chill but good sleeping weather. And the winds. Well, if these forecasts hold up it'll be awesome in the late afternoons. In the mid-teens which, according to my really limited experience, is just about ideal for a 32 foot boat. The nights are going to be a little windy so it might make for some interesting anchorages, however. But I'll take that over still days.

All in all I figure any sort of plan I have in my head will just be tossed out the window as soon as we get underway and we'll just go where we feel like and the weather will let us get to. I have but one main goal on this trip, and that is to eat some crabs. I haven't all year and I must make up for that. Mmmmm...vinegar.

Wish us luck! If this turns out as fun as I believe it will, I'll take anyone who wants to go out whenever you want. The more the merrier! :)

Why People Vote Republican

This will probably generate some interesting comments.

Outragish

That this even has to go to court is a testament to how utterly ridiculous our national discuss has become and how corrupt this administration is.

How is this even something that could be contended?

When are people just going to laugh at these idiots and tell them to grow up?

Ugg.

Triple Gem

Friday night was a wild night. I ended up staying locally rather than going up to H-Town for the bestest most awesomest German restaurant on earth and it was a hard decision to make. However, I felt I needed to keep it to a smaller group so that ultimately won out.

In any case, I ended up hanging out with a couple of close friends and one of their friends. We hit Tuskies first then the little known but super awesome (usually) French cafe in Leesburg. Finally we ended up at Clyde's in Ashburn and required a taxi to take us home. 6 bottles of wine consumed in a relatively short time makes for a baaaaaaaaaaad Saturday morning for Ryan.

All three of these people are intuitive and painfully acurate at that. Additionally, two of them know their way around astrology and the other happened to have a tarot deck on his person. So the entire night revolved around card reading and chart interpretation. Their styles are different. Once is more gentle with another is brutal as shit but very perceptive and third falls in between. I was pushed pretty hard and they were hitting stuff dead on. The thing was, some of this stuff is stuff I don't particularly want to deal with right now and having it exposed, even in front of close friends, kinda got my back up a few times. In the end though, it was freeing and very much appreciated.

But on to title of this post. Apparently there are actually three signs that are important in astrology, before you get to the craizness of the houses. There is your sun sign, which most people know. Then you have a moon sign and an ascendent sign. It turns out that all of mine are Gemini, which I gather isn't the most common thing in the world. In fact, I believe one of the comments was 'Ooohh...I never met one of you before.' So I don't know what that means but there you go.

Triple Gem, biatches.

Burn Before Reading

Saw this last night. It totally isn't what I expected but I liked it. Very quirky. Very funny (particularly towards the end). But about midway through there is a scene that is kinda like 'I never saw that coming' sorta thing. Wild stuff.

Adventures In Sailing!

So the plan right now is to charter a boat from Sept 30th through Oct 6th in the Cheasapeake. It isn't quite BVI but it is for a week. BVI can wait a few more months I suppose.

In any case, this is the boat we are going to charter that week. Currrently there are three of us going, myself and one couple. You better believe the couple is getting the cabin in the bow with the door. I don't need to see that crap. ;)

Anyway, in order to charter a boat the skipper has to fill out a charter resume. On this resume it asks for classes you've taken (the entire reason I went through the class process), boats owned, sailing experience and whether or not your first mate can get the boat back if the skipper is incapacitated. To the last question I answered 'Yes, under power'.

Well, I heard back today that my resume checked out fine (apparently my references are wonderful) so now we just confirm the dates and pay for the boat. Then they send out a contract and we are good to go.

I'm excited! The first one was going to be the hard one but as I build up some experience getting a charter is going to be easier and easier. I totally plan on figuring out how to do this during the winter, even it requires travel south.

Finally, we obviously will have some room. If anyone would like to join us for a couple hours, and day, or even a couple of days let me know and I'll see if I can make some arrangements.

Roughing It

So several years ago my Dad, Brother and I tried to start a tradition of staying in a cabin once a year for a weekend and shooting the shit. Well, so far our annual outing has happened once. This year we are determined to make it happen. Check out the cabin:

Coolest Cabin Ever

The first thing I thought of was The Most Famous Cabin Ever.

So can't wait. I'll have to view the movie before I go.

Anger

Anger sucks.

I Have Resigned

Last night I sent my resignation letter to Tiber Creek. It happened rather unexpectedly over the past two days.

I had been with Tiber Creek for just about a year. During that time I earned the trust of my boss and was able to work from home pretty often. My normal day would be in the office for about 4 hours and work at home the remainging 4-6 hours. Usually would take a day off during the week but would work some weekends. As long as I was making progress they put up with it.

Over the past month I started part of a project that is in an area I really struggle with. It was a user interface that required a lot of attention to detail and got down into the 'can you move this two pixels to the left' sort of stuff that just makes me want to jump off a building. Anyway, I really struggle with this kind of thing so my productivity fell way off.

I mentioned that I was struggling several times to my boss in several different ways, but I never demanded to be moved to another project. My intention was to get through a major demo (occuring today, actually) and then request a transfer. So I was sticking it out.

So Tuesday night I did what I normally do and fired up the VPN (a secure way to access their network from my home) and started to work. About two hours into it I lost my connection, which happens from time to time. I was unable to reconnect that evening and was getting Account Disabled messaged. I went in early Wednesday with the intention of making up for the hours I lost on Tuesday night. No Sys Admins were in so I ended up twiddling my thumbs waiting for someone to show up to renable my account.

About an hour into waiting the CEO comes into my office and asks if he can speak with me. He never speaks to me. So he sits down and starts chatting. To make a long story short, he basically expressed a lack of trust in the hours I've been writing down and said that my productivity just isn't matching those hours. I explained that I have been struggling with the project I was on and that is why my productivity had fallen off. I also explained that I am more productive at home than at the office which is why I prefer working from home. At the end of the conversation I thought we had an understanding that during the period of time I am struggling I'll come into the office more to try and address his misgivenings. After the demo I would request a move to a new project that I would be more productive in.

Well, around 5 pm or so I get an email saying that 'Per our discussion, I have disabled your VPN access for the time being.' That surprised me since, as far as I knew, that wasn't part of our discussion and seemed pretty counter-productive to trying to hit a hard deadline. After three attempts at emails I finally wrote a pretty long one laying out what I thought his concerns were, what my concerns were, and other factors and said that I hoped we could come to an acceptable compromise.

Thursday morning comes rolling around and I have a reply. I didn't read it until just before lunch because I wanted to try to knock out some more work before something came along that pissed me off. Turns out that was a good move for when I finally read the letter I really got my back up. Basically the CEO's reply boiled down to two points:

1) I don't want to hear any excuses.
2) I can only bill hours I work in the office until mutual trust and respect can be reestablished.

There was no attempt to meet me halfway or to address my concerns. Further, I know what works for and what doesn't and a structure 9-5 office job does not work for me. My productivity will go into the shitter and I'll be miserable.

So after thinking about it and talking about the pros and cons of leaving over lunch I decided it was time to go. I worked until about 8:30 last night to make sure my part of the demo would be good to go. I also sat down with the guy doing the demo to make sure he understood it. Finally, I sent a nice long email explaining the stuff I was working on and where I was going with it.

Last night around 11:30 I sent my resignation letter via email to the CEO, my boss and HR. I simply stated as my reason for leaving that 'I was unwilling to work under the scrutiny and restrictions placed upon me in order to restore mutual trust and respect'. And that's that.

I figure between the two contracts I have (or, really at this point, contract and a half) I'll be ok for a couple of months. Between now and Nov. 8th I plan on volunteering for Obama and get involved in the political process a bit. I also will be looking for another contract or two or a new job. After Nov 8th I'll see what happens.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Accepting Another

Question came up last night. Before you can fully accept someone for who they are, do you need to know, or even want to know, everything about them?

Simple Question

Has deregulation ever not ended in disaster?

Free market is a pipe dream.

Jimmy Buffet Gang

Here is a picture of the gang from the Jimmy Buffet concert. Check out the tall dude with all the crap around his neck wearing the stylish hat in the middle.

R.I.P. Richard Wright

Damn it, Pink Floyd members are starting to die off.

I am greatly saddened.

Tribute.

Financial Meltdown

Well, things are going from bad to worse. The market lost 500+ points yesterday with the news that more banks are going belly up. The entire point of bailing out Behr-Sterns was to prevent Washington Mutual and Lerhman Brothers from failing, which is what they are on their way to doing.

And even worse is AIG failing. From this:

If AIG were to fail, the global ripple effects would be unprecedented, said Robert Bolton, managing director at Mendon Capital Advisors Corp. It has $1 trillion in assets and operates in 130 countries.

[...]

"If AIG fails and can't make good on its obligations, forget it," Bolton said. "It's as big a wave as you're going to see."

What does this all mean? It means the S&L crisis of the 80's will look like peanuts compared to this. There is a possibility, and getting stronger, that we are just at the tip of the iceburg as far as bank failures go.

Buckle your seat belts, it could get awfully rough.

500 Posts

Celebrate!

National Deficit, Taxes and You!

I'm not an economist and my understanding of macro- and micro-economics is slim to none. However, I wanted to point out something about deficit spending and taxes that you may not know (assuming this is right, of course, which it may not be.)

Deficit spending my the government (you know, the national debt) is one of those things that is a really big number but it is in that macro-economics realm where it is hard to give a shit about. I mean, how does the national debt affect you, right? Well, through ways that are complicated as crap, the higher the debt the higher the interest rates. Interest rates affect what you pay for your car, your house, your credit cards, etc. So a higher deficit means you end up forking out more for those items than you would with a lower national deficit.

Ok, so now taxes. Taxes affect your income directly so the cause/effect relationship there is clear. Lower taxes = more money you take home. Good times.

However, think about this. Your debt is probably higher than your income as far as total numbers go. Meaning, if you own a house, a car, run a credit card balance, have other loans, etc the total amount of all that probably exceeds the total amount you make in any given year from your paycheck, right? Let's put numbers on it to illustrate the point. Say your total debt is $400,000 (house, car, etc) and your yearly income is $75,000/year. Your tax rate is, oh, 18% or so and the combined interest rate you are paying for all that debt is somewhere around 7%. That means $13,500 of your salary a year is going into the void while $28,000 of your hard earned money is going into the void paying off your debt. So already the interest burden on your debt affect you more than the tax burden on your paycheck, even though it isn't as obvious.

Ok, so now say, because of the national debt, your combined interest rate for all that crazy goes up to 8%. However, the nice people in congress cut your taxes and now you only pay 15%. Alright! More money, right! Depends on what your definition of 'more' is. Now you are paying $11,250 in taxes but $32,000 in interest on your debt. So yea, you get the obvious $2250 increase in your paycheck but you end up forking out $4000 more in interest. So you actually end up loosing $1750. Damn politicians!

I say all that to say this. While tax cuts are fine and good, it is just pandering. It is an easy thing to explain to people that 'we are going to give you your money back' because it seems obvious. In reality, there is more going on. Those tax cuts tie directly into increasing the national debt which in turns increases your interest rates which in turn probably actually costs you more money than if the tax rate was maintained (or even raised some) and the deficit payed down.

Of course, there is a LOT more going on than just this but it is something to take into consideration when people fixate on just lower taxes. It isn't that clear cut.

Sailing - ASA 104

So I finished the last course I'm taking this year. I'm now certified for 30' to 50' boats in coastal waters (within 3 miles of the coast). Now if I can actually convince a chartering agency to let me out, that'll be the real test.

Anyway, some observations over the weekend:

1) A 36' boat does not stop quickly and is really intimidating under power. Under sail it is a lot more work than a smaller boat but things don't have to happen as fast.

2) This course was easily the most challenging thing I have done both mentally and physically in a long time. Sunday was both some of the most fun and most frustrating moments I've had. My instructor purposely was trying to get me overwhelmed and frustrated, and he did a very good job at it. There is a ton of crap to keep mindful of when skippering and lot coming at you at once. Its very easy to get confused and miss things, particularly when frustration sets in.

Apparently this is something instructors talk about amongst themselves. When the instructor is there, the student is torn between giving their own commands, trying to figure out the commands the instructor wants to hear, and trying to figure out what questions to ask. I know I kept feeling the first two in spades. I wanted to make my own calls and fail on my own, I learn faster that way. I was torn between that and trying to answer the question 'right', even though there isn't always a single way to do stuff. So the end result was just me getting angrier and more frustrated and throwing my hands up a couple of times.

In the end, though, it was a very good experience and I learned a lot.

3) Driving a little Jeep after driving a huge sail boat is very disconcerting.

4) 20 knot winds under full sail close hauled is awesome.

5) Even though there is more time to think through things on a bigger boat, it takes more people and a lot more elbow grease. Skippering is going to be interesting. I apologize now for anyone I get short with in the middle of a maneuver. It is going to happen. If something goes wrong (and it will, without a doubt) there isn't time for being polite, orders have to be barked out and followed to keep things from really going to shit. That was really driven into me over the weekend. Being on the receiving end sucks at first but once you understand why and that it isn't personal, it becomes fun. :)

An example, sheets or sails kept getting hung up on rigging and open hatches. I wouldn't notice and we would be half way through a tack or something and the next thing I know my instructor is barking out really short orders in a less than soothing way. The situation would be resolved and we could finish the maneuver. I felt beat on but it was necessary to complete the maneuver without damaging anything. I think this is an example of being too hard on myself, now that I think about it.

6) One of the jarring differences between big boat sailing and small boat sailing is just how complicated some maneuvers can be. For example, a gybe on a small boat can be executed pretty quickly. In a big boat, there are a bunch of things that have to happen with the sails before the helmsman can even begin. Even thought he maneuver takes longer overall, there is so much going on that you need that extra time to address all, particularly with only two people. Three or more will be a fair bit easier and less hectic I think.

7) Life aboard a boat isn't bad. However, if you are tall like I am, you spend most of the time hunched over so you don't whack your head. Cooking wasn't too bad. It was easier than camping. I cooked all the meals as part of my training.

I think I'll end it there for now. I am really looking forward to skippering some charters with whomever wants to go. I have a good idea of what to do and how to do it but I need practice to solidify it all.

"Fiscal Conservative"

Here is a nice little cartoon for you to put how the last few administration's have faired in regards to the deficit:



It's funny how when you put an administration in power that doesn't believe in a strong federal government you end up with shitty results. Who could have possibly predicted that would happen?

Palin in Four Minutes

Everything you needed to know about Palin in 4 minutes.

Adding, the same people that were/are bitching about Obama's celebrity are now, apparently, purchasing Sarah Palin Dolls and Action Figures with no sense of irony at all.

Hahahahahahahahaha

Few things to laugh about.

First, for whatever reason, during the speech on the final night of the RNC convention there was both a blue and a green screen behind McCain. This, if you have been watching Colbert or reading this blog, has created a HUGE opportunity for mocking. And this is an awesome example of that. There will be much more coming, of that you can be certain.

Second, Tom Brady being out for the season. Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Couple Questions

1) Can people act to help someone without something in return?
2) What is the fear that underlies vulnerability? Why are people afraid to show weakness before others, even close friends? What is that underlying fear?

Quotes I Now Understand

I like quotes, particularly the more profound ones. They offer little bits of wisdom very concisely. The thing about them is that, in my experience, you need to have some basis of experience to know what they are talking about. It is more like a concise way to sum up an experience rather than a way to warn or educate.

In any case, here are a few that I realized recently that I now understand where before I just thought I had an idea of what the quote was talking about or, in the case of the second one, was really puzzled about.

"Beauty often seduces us on the way to truth"
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before"
"BOAT means Bet On Another Thousand"
"The two happiest days of a boat owners life are the day the boat is purchased and the day the boat is sold"

Obama Writes Speeches!

Well I declare! Obama has been writing his major speeches. That's cool.

Unlike Palin, who speech was written a week ago for an unknown male pick:

Can voters this year be sure they learned something about the real Sarah Palin from her GOP vice presidential nomination acceptance speech last night, considering news that it was originally written by speechwriter Matthew Scully over a week ago for an unknown male nominee? The commissioned draft was subsequently customized by Palin and a team of McCain staffers in the 48 hours leading up to its presentation.

So, who is the real fighter here? Someone speaking his own words or someone speaking words that weren't even originally written for her?

Loosing an Argument

You know, there are some signs you can take from the phrases that people use that usually indicate when they aren't confident in their argument or feel like they are using. Two of them that I keep hearing from political shills, particularly McCain operatives recently when talking about Palin's foreign policy experience, are the phrase 'The fact is' and '[x amount of people] agree'.

When you keep repeating 'the fact is' all you are doing is trying to convince yourself. If it is a fact, it'll stand on its own. There isn't a need to identify it as such, particularly over and over.

The second phrase is more along the lines of trying to convince someone you are right by claiming lots of people agree with you so obviously it is right. Like 'millions of Americans believe the same things as Sarah Palin so her views can't be extremist.' Wow, color me convinced.

Anyway, just thought I'd throw those observations out there. And this isn't just in politics but in any conversation or debate really. Try it on your friends!

Fact Checking the RNC Convention

The AP still does its job from time to time. Here is a link to an article comparing parts of the speeches last night to, you know, reality.

UPDATE: Here is a ton more.

Creepy!

Yikes. If you are going to stare at your VP picks ass, at least do it when the cameras aren't on you.

Biden: Part Two

After some chatting with people and some reading, I think Biden is a better choice both long-term AND short-term than I thought before. Even though he has been in Congress forever, he commutes from his home in Deleware every night (or used to, not totally sure he still does since he remarried). In any case, his family and himself never got involved in the lobbyist culture of Washington which why he remains the poorest sentor on the Hill.

What does that give you? The ultimate outsider insider. That's great. Plus, he probably locks PA for Obama and puts into play Pennsaltuky.

While he is a hawk on the war he is a populist and that'll complement Obama nicely.

I'm liking it more and more. And he is going to rip apart whomever is McCain's VP pick in the debate. That'll be awesome.

Oh, one more thing. Deleware has a democratic governer so we won't loose that seat in the senate AND, and this one is nice, Dodd is next in line on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee after Biden. Dodd isn't the hawk Biden is.

Good times.

Biden

Biden is an awesome choice from a long term perspective. He has been around long enough to know DC inside and out and absolutely fills out the ticket regarding Obama's weaknesses. The interesting thing about the choice though is he doesn't do what the VP choice has done for the various tickets recently - bring some aspect of the voting public around. For example, Edwards being picked in 2004 was to help bring the blue collar southern working vote. Biden is from Delaware, that isn't exactly a huge electoral state.

I'm glad Obama picked based on long term considerations rather than short term ones.

Awesome.

Tax Plan Comparison

Ok, so I've been on a roll today with politics. That is what happens when it is a beautiful day outside and I don't feel like working.

Anyway, here is a nice article comparing the two plans. The following graph really does a good job of breaking this down so it can be digested.



Just want to point out a couple of things. First, the trickle down economics (or voodoo economics) of the 80's obviously do not work. The McCain camp's argument is the same as Reagan's in that if you provide more money for the rich, they will hire more people and create new jobs and that wealth will trickle down. Obviously that hasn't happened since the gap between the rich and poor has widened so much. When 60% of Americans make less than $66k a year, that's a pretty big gap.

Second, economic stimulus and getting people to spend money in America only works if the money you give back will be spent and will be done so in America. It does no good to tie it up in offshore investments or savings accounts, etc. The people most likely to spent real dollars back into the US economy are those at the lower end of the tax bracket. The people that don't have a lot of material wealth or who are living paycheck to paycheck. You give those people a break and more income, you will end up with more direct investment right back into the US economy since that money will be spent quickly.

In summary, cutting taxes for the lower brackets is likely to have a greater effect on the economy on a whole than cutting taxes for the upper brackets and expecting it to trickle down.

With all of that in mind, Obama's plan focuses more on the lower brackets where it will have a true and immediate effect where McCain's is mostly a kickback to the upper brackets with lip-service to the lower brackets. So when you hear the two candidates and their surrogates talk about tax plans and who is doing more to help out the middle class, just remember this chart.

McCain's Housing Thing is Comic Gold

This gaffe about not knowing how many houses you own is just gold. Love this:



I mean really, can you have any better of an example of who the elitist really is in the campaign? Obama is hitting this hard and fast. It is a beautiful thing.

Combine this with his remark defining the rich as making 5 million or more...what a gift.

Uncertainty Update

Probably should update you all on where I am since my Uncertainty post from earlier this week. I am no longer uncertain. While it isn't the result I was hoping for (or expecting, really) that I at least know where I stand and no where I'm going has really helped out.

Onward.

Get Out Of Jail Free

Bwahahahahahaha

Uncertainty

I have entered a period of uncertainty that I'm not really enjoying. In the past, I haven't minded living in the grey area, as long as I had some idea of a direction to go in. Now, I'm in this grey area with no real idea of which way to go. There are things I want to say and want to do but I hesitate and don't do it. False starts or no starts at all have tormented me all day today.

The past is coming back to haunt me in a way that it never has before. How do you argue with your own past? Is it always a predictor of the future? Can someone over come their past?

I hate this. I hate knowing how things could be but having no way to alter them from the way they are, even when I understand and respect why they are that way.

At the end of the day though, this'll all pass and come to a resolution in one way or another and ultimately I'll be better for it. It is just that right now, not having a direction or even knowing where I'm at, kinda sucks.

There, now I feel better. :)

UPDATE: Something just occured to me. I'm starting to embrace the situation and, as a result, am starting to become comfortable with it. This is good. I'll just keep moving along as I have been and let it go where it goes. Yay for direction.

Heresy! Blasphemy!

Bring out the pitch forks! As if moving from real corks wasn't bad enough...

Presidential Contest Compared to Rocky II

This video is pretty funny. Compares the upcoming conventions to Rocky II. Check out McCain's mohawk.

Awesome House Value Tool

Zillow is a tool that lets you check out the prices of houses that sold in an area and estimates what your price may be. According to it, if I sold right now I'd break about even.

Something to think about.

Adventures in Boating -- Part II

The boat is toast.

Here is what happened. I took Friday afternoon off and went back down to see if I could find someone to fix the fuel system. I did a lot of research during the week and had a better understanding of the fuel system. The first thing I did was yanked the fuel filter with the hope that it was dirty. The thing was clean as a whistle.

I walked up to the repair place and they gave me the number of a guy that works on outboards since they do not. I called him up and he came on over to check the engine out. I tried to fire it up and even before it turned over he was telling me to cut it. He said it sounded like I had no compression and it was a lot more than just a filter or dirty tank.

He asked me if I could pull the boat out of the water so he could check it out so I spent the next hour getting the thing out of the water with just a paddle and a deck pole. I was able to get a tow for the last part, which was great because otherwise I'd be fighting a pretty stiff wind.

We took the boat over to his shop and he did a compression test on the cylinders. Now, this is a big deal in outboard engines (any engine really) and each cylinder should have a compression around or over 100 psi and all be within 10% of each other. The first cylinders on both blocks had 0 psi. The second ones were around 67 or so and the third pair around 95. So yea, dead engine.

Seems that the shitty fuel blew out the compression in them, thus trashing the engine and putting me in the EXACT SAME PLACE I was before - a screwed engine that either needs to be rebuilt or replaced. Exact same damn place. Seriously. WTF?

So at this point I think I'm just walking away from the speed boat. My current thinking is to sell the two burned engines for parts and then donate the body to charity if they'll take it. I've put way too much money into another trashed engine and with my new interest in sailing I think I'm just going to try to move on for now.

Sucks, big time.

McCain's War Timeline

This PDF contains a single picture of a timeline that is pretty revealing.

"I'll See You At The Debates, Bitches"

I'm not a big fan of Paris Hilton and I've always thought her a waste of life, but this is really pretty funny.

Wealth Distribution Inequalities

Just an interesting here.

What I find most interesting about it is that, in 2006, earning over $350,000 puts you in the top 1% of earners in America while over $105,000 puts you in the top 5%. That means there is a buttload of people making well under that to round out the remaining 95%. What a huge discrepancy between wealth.

Best Unit Of Measure Ever

The Cubic Buttload

Huricane Bush

Awesome.

Not Even Close To Being Over

Well, the housing crunch apparently isn't even close to being over. Check out this for a nice description of the coming wave.

Adventures in Boating

Clyde and I went down to Lake Anna today with the general notion to attempt to put my boat in the water and try some wine at Lake Anna Vineyard. There were several details not worked out before hand such as:

1) Where my boat actually was.
2) The status of my boat.
3) Where the mechanic was located to whom I owed money.
4) Where I was going to keep the boat, assuming I could find it.
5) The tasteing hours at Lake Anna Vineyard.

In addition, we didn't even get started on the 2 hour drive down until about 2 o'clock. As you can see, this was a well planned operation.

I had in a call to the fella that had been taken care of things for me, let's call him W. He usually takes a few days to get back in touch with me so I wasn't too surprised that I didn't hear from him. So the first order of business was to figure out where the mechanic was located and visit him. The idea here was that 1) I owed him money 2) he may still have my boat and 3) he may have another number or a different way to contact W. All I knew about his location was from W that he was 'just down the road'. So we drove down the road near where W lived. Low and behold, shocker of shockers, no mechanic.

Failing to find the mechanic from the excellent directions, we decided that the gas station and *gasp* asking for directions was the next step. Then I recalled that W is part owner in the Lake Anna vineyard so plans were quickly changed to do a wine tasteing and see if we could locate him there. Turns out, they are closed on Mondays. All I have left to go on is my memory that it was called something like Hank's Engine Repair or some crap like that. I checked my phone and, look at that, I found the number to Larry's Boat and Motor Repair. I gave them a call and we were on our way.

Got to Larry's, which turns out to be a dude's house and he works out in the garage. Paid them for the work they did and asked if the boat was there. It was not and W had it. I thanked him and we headed out.

We hit a couple of marinas near Larry's because I wanted to see about storing my boat at a different location. Found one that had both field and water slips available, so I told the lady I'd be back if I could find my boat. She kinda looked at me weird but on we went.

The next stop was to just go to W's house. I managed to remember how to get there and I saw my boat sitting in his yard. Went up to the door and his daughter and son-in-law came out along with about 100 dogs. I asked when they expected W home and they said 6 ish. I didn't feel like waiting and she offered to call him at the office. I said to go ahead and call and let him know I was taking my boat and to give me a call later. We hooked the boat up and headed out.

We drove over to the marina that had the water slip available and I purchased slip #44. The boat was full of water because the plug was left in so we had to let it drain. That took a good 30 minutes or so. Once that was done I backed the boat into the water and tried to fire it up. To make a long story short, it took a jump pack (because the battery was dieing) and a long time but finally got the thing fired up. However, it wouldn't idle smoothly and would keep cutting out unless it was up around 3000 rpms (should idle under 1000). Decided to take it out anyway and pushed the bow around so it faced the water. I slammed the throttle out of neutral and then full open as fast as possible to keep the engine from cutting out and off we went. At full open the thing maybe went 15 mph. Obviously something was wrong.

We made it maybe 200 yards before the engine crapped out again. After dicking with it and not being able to get it in gear w/o cutting out we started to paddle back. I knew there was dirty fuel in the tank so I figured we just needed to get it to dock and I could contact their repair office the next day to have them clean the tank and fuel system out. It took us about 45 minutes or so to get the boat back and parked. I was able to get the engine in gear and drive it most of the way in.

So we docked the boat, tied it up, and headed home. So close but yet so far.

Ok vs Fine

When someone asks you 'how are you doing' and things aren't super peachy, do you answer with Ok or Fine?

One of the interesting things I've picked up about myself is the different situations I answer with either one or the other. It seems to me that when I'm less than 100% and I don't want to talk about it or try to hide it I'll say that I am fine. However, if I am less than 100% but don't mind people knowing about it or I'm not trying to suppress it I'll say ok. Actually, I think it is more that when I'm trying to convince myself I'm great I'll say fine, when I accept things aren't awesome I'll say ok.

I once heard that Fine stood for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. I think that really sums up the situations it is used more often than not.

The words we use and the contexts we use them in can tell a lot about your mood and the way you handle situations. I think it is really fascinating.

Post Lessons

So I returned last night, ASA certified to skipper up to 30' auxillary powered sail boats. The next step is a two-day bareboat course that certify up to 50' with inboard diesel engines. Hopefully I can take that in early September.

I learned a couple of things. First, I HAVE to get to the gym and build up some upper-body strength. Working on the deck to raise and lower the sails and dealing with the anchor kicked my ass. Second, while the basic skills for sailing a bigger boat are the same, things happen slower and take a lot more energy to do. There is also a lot more momentum to take into account when tacking and gybing so it took a little while to not over steer. Third, my ass is going to get seasick down below on rougher days. There are some pretty cool devices that apparently work very well to counter seasickness that I am going to start looking into. I will not let my old foe keep me from sailing. Forth, there aren't too many knots that you need to know but you do need to know them. I must practice.

My instructor was a up to 50 ton coast guard certified captain who was career Navy and spent most of his time on subs. He was great! I learned quite a bit from him and a lot of tricks.

All in all, it was a very good experience and I am anxious to charter this month sometime hopefully. Need to get some experience under by belt.

Sailing Lessons

I leave tonight for Shoansy (near Deltaville, VA if you want to see where) in order to take a three-day sailing course that will get me one course away from being certified to take 30-50 foot boats out as skipper. With these two courses I am taking this weekend (assuming I pass the tests, of course) I'll be certified up to 30' as Skipper so we can jump right into cruising with small groups this month, I hope. :)

In any case, I'll be out-of-touch until Monday night. It is my intention to be at Tavern.

Have a great weekend!

Handlebars

Video

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Look at me, look at me
hands in the air like it's good to be
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy
I can show you how to do-si-do
I can show you how to scratch a record
I can take apart the remote control
And I can almost put it back together
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
I can tell you about Leif Ericson
I know all the words to "De Colores"
And "I'm Proud to be an American"
Me and my friend saw a platypus
Me and my friend made a comic book
And guess how long it took
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome
No metronome
No metronome

And I can see your face on the telephone
On the telephone
On the telephone

Look at me
Look at me
Just called to say that it's good to be
ALIVE
In such a small world
I'm all curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store
I can make a living off a magazine
I can design an engine
Sixty four miles to a gallon of gasoline
I can make new antibiotics
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions
I know how to run a business
I can make you wanna buy a product
Movers shakers and producers
Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
Cuz I can lead a nation with a microphone
With a microphone
With a microphone
And I can split the atoms of a molecule
Of a molecule
Of a molecule

Look at me
Look at me
Driving and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be
Alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let'em all die from exasperation
Have'em all healed from their lacerations
Have'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like'em and
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command
Because I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
And I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope
And I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

The Life and Death of a Cracker

Following up on my 'The Passion of the Cracker' post , PZ Myers has gone through with his threat. The actual event is towards the bottom of the post. Most of the post talks about the interesting history of the cracker and the yellow star the Nazis used in WWII, and about the various threats and such he received.

I admire Myers because he isn't afraid to go head first into this debate and stake out a very clear and controvsial position. I don't have that kind of balls and I'm not sure I would draw such a stark line as he has. I've often said that I admire people of faith when it stays a personal faith, I find that kind of dedication very cool indeed. However, I do agree a lot with Myers on how expecting others to share your beliefs about a cracker or whatever else is disrepecting another's belief.

It is a hard topic to find agreement on.

Finally, the forth comment in the close to 2500 comment thread is awesome. It states, simply: 'Well this is going to be epic.' 2500 comments and gaining, yea, that's a bit of an understandment.

What If...

So like, I have these 'what if' things popping around in my head from time to time so I figure I'll just post them when I think of them and see what (if anything) comes out of them.

What if the Germans had not sunk the Lusitania in May of 1915? Would the US still have entered the war on the side of the Entente Powers or the side of the Central Powers? Up until that event it could have gone either way.

That's something I always found really interesting.

The Passion Of The Cracker

This kind of stuff getting out in the open makes me happy. The more the public sees how petty some of these people can be the better, imho.

So why is church attendance starting to decline again? Maybe it is because of these people going on witch hunts over crackers. Seriously, crackers. Crackers. Wow.

Trust: The Abridged Edition

Two of the last few posts talked about an 'inner dialog' or 'inner belief' that I thought I'd explain a bit about. I wrot this on 04/03/08 as well as an abridged version of my long-ass trust post. It turned out to be more lectury and not really exposing much of myself. Since I did finally post that Trust post here is the explanation part of 'inner dialog' and 'inner belief' for you.

******************************************************************************

People have belief systems, it is part of the mental map you construct in your head in order to make sense of reality. These belief systems start forming when you are a wee baby and continue to develop until you die. Not to put too fine a point on it but you basically spend your entire life making sense of everything through the prism of this mental map.

With that in mind, you can develop some beliefs when you are younger that, at the time, were necessary for survival. As you age these systems can not only become antiquated and bothersome but totally counter-productive or even harmful. Most, actually probably all, of therapy is spent trying to figure out what your belief systems are and then changing them to something that is more in line with what is actually happening.

Finally, before I actually get to my point, these belief systems happen mostly at a subconcious level and can be summed up in really short sentences. For example, "I'm not good enough" or "I don't deserve [whatever]" are examples of destructive belief systems that probably happened through tramua in early life.

Follow me?

Trust: A Semi-Focused Stream of Conciousness

I originally wrote this on 04/03/08 but didn't post it. It is ironic because I talk about not posting it in the text below. I post it now because, three months later, I think I finally figured out what it was I couldn't but my finger on that I babble about in the middle. I also post it because I am in a different place now.

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I just returned home from a movie get together where we watched Bubba Ho-Tep and Team America, two very funny - if very different - movies. I left halfway through Team America with the intention to return home to finish pushing some patches I worked on earlier in the day. However, I decided to write this - what'll probably be a rather long - post instead.

I tend to have a variety of post subjects floating around in my head that I want to write about for a number of different reasons. Some I think will just be plain entertaining. Others are about things I don't want to forget. And others, like this and the previous one, are to help me figure things out. I expect this to be a more focused version of that 'stream of conciousness' post from a year or so ago. Onward.

Over the past something like 10 years or so I've been on a journey internally. This journey has taken me down many different paths exploring different themes but all with the goal of becoming comfortable with myself. Those of you who have met me within the last 8 months or so or have knew before but also have had time to have more intense conversations with me recently know that I don't shy away about talking about many things about myself. However, as brutally open as I may be about some things there has always been a part that I haven't talked about. I'm not really going to go into that too much but I'm going to touch on it.

Most recently the path I have traveled has been a familiar one in that I have been working with a therapist I have been seeing for about 6 years with a few years off in the middle. He knows my history very well and I am comfortable with him. Recently (read: within the last 3 weeks) we have started to work on that stuff that I don't talk about much. We've really started to push into it the root causes of that little ball of...what, shame? I don't know, but whatever it is we have started to get to the heart of it.

See, you see what is going on here? I'm avoiding it. What is up with that? It's amazing how the mind works sometimes. Ok, so check it out. It all comes down to my ability (or inability, really) to trust people. Not trust like 'I trust you not to give up a secret I tell you' trust, because that's easy. No, I mean trust like 'I totally, unquestioningly trust you with my life' sort of trust. That kinda thing. It's a big deal, and I didn't really realize how much it plays into my relationships until recently. I know, it seems obvious on the surface, but there it is.

Seriously, I always knew I had a trust issue but I always thought it was in relation to a specific person and for good reasons. What I didn't realize, and what is really becoming clear to me, is that that trust issue existed before that time in my life and has affected everything since.

Where did it come from? This is what we have been working on some. My parents divorced when I was in my early teens. I always thought it didn't affect me that much because I was in my teens where it did affect my brother. What a load of crap. Of course it affected me. However, as far as I'm concerned my parents did right by me in how they went about it and I really appreciate that. They could have been perfect and there would be other issues to deal with, so in no way is this on them. I want that to be clear (call me if you want to talk about this).

So they divorced and to me the two most central people in my life seperated. Internally, at a subconcious level, I am beginging the process of understanding that that event made me start to have trust issues. Think about it. I grow up in a family that goes out and does stuff and I trust that that will always be (no matter how much mis-guided that belief is), right? That trust ends when they separate...ok, maybe not ends but at least is shaken.

That's where it starts. That alone didn't make the problem what it is but that did create a wound for me to deal with. So I got this wound I'm carrying around and the 'once bit, twice shy' saying comes into play. Onward.

My first relationship started in my late teens with someone I had known for a while (lived on my street, parents were friends, etc). I totally poured my soul into this relationship and let her in VERY close. It went on for a few years or so and ended abruptely one winter's afternoon. I found out the hard way that someone else was involved. Well now, talk about tearing that trust wound open wide. Any chance it had at healing was well gone after that.

This relationship goes on for a long time (some 14 years) off and on. Over and over I begin to trust and over and over something happens to betray that trust. I don't want to cast blame in one direction here. I absolutely had my part in all this. Regardless of that the end result was that that trust issue just kept being clobbered. Inside I started a belief that says 'Everytime I let someone get close they will hurt me.'. So I stick up a wall.

It's about this part where I'm not sure where things go. For example, while that wall makes it very hard for me to get past a certain part of intimacy, I have no problem talking about some pretty serious and personal stuff with people I trust. That's why I feel like there is something here that I don't get. When I think about those people that I can have those sorts of conversations about and then I think about some stuff that I have a really hard time talking about, I absolutely can't see myself talking about it because of that belief that if 'I let someone in too close they will hurt me.' Hell, I even feel like not posting this now or writing a disclaimer or some shit on top.

Let me give you some more examples. I saw this demonstration of a technique called EMDR that helps you identify emotions that are disassociated from your internal timeline and reassociate them (more to it than that, but that's enough for now). It is a very powerful technique and the results are pretty compelling (I went through it in 1999 or there abouts). Anyway, one of the things I was supposed to do before going to this demo was to come up with a couple of issues that were not super traumatic but did have some charge to them (a 5 or 6 on a 1-10 scale). I picked two that I initially thought were not related. The first was my boat engine melting and the second was Misfit dieing. Not related, right?

Ok, follow this. The more I thought about them during this demonstration the more I realized that not only are they related but they both come down to fucking my ability to trust! How screwed up is that? The boat because I had always done all the work myself and the first time I take it to a shop the engine melts and is ruined. The cat because the vet said we probably didn't need to do anymore testing and he was probably just a food issue and three days later the cat dies from kidney failure. Do you see how these two things just reinforce my issue with trust?

So that's it. That is where I'm at. I'm not sure what the answer is or how to repair it, but I'm sure as I'm sitting here that this is my root issue. It's the thing that I struggle with more than anything. After 10 years I finally have a finger on it. Now I just need to figure out what to do about it.

Some Stuff to Ponder

Is there a difference/distinction between structured thought and logical thought?

See, something Mere wrote in response to my post floundering around about the paradoxes of being a perfectionist and such a few weeks ago got me to thinking. She said something along the lines of 'Those of us with structured thinking tend to try to live in the moment to balance it out'. And I was thinking, 'I wonder if people naturally tend towards balance unconsciously.'. The more I think about it, the more I think that is true. Whether or not that balance is healthy or not is a different story, but I think people tend to balance themselves out.

For example, how many geniuses do you know/heard of that didn't have some crazy other stuff going on. Edison slept in the closet. Einstein wasn't exactly a social dynamo. There are plenty of amazing technical people that have the social skills of a ping-pong ball that has been stepped on and tossed into a fire. Similarly, a lot of actors/actresses and other pretty faces aren't exactly mental giants.

Another example, myself. I have very structured thinking (although I would argue it isn't necessarily logical) and analytical. However, my house is anything but structured. Well, that isn't entirely true. It is messy but actually pretty organized, oddly enough. Like organized chaos, but chaos none-the-less. Have you ever seen me not wear a shirt that had wrinkles in it? Wouldn't a structured mind live a structured existence? That is what I would assume, but that isn't the case. I would argue it is a way for me to seek balance. Similarly, I have known people that were very structured externally (neat houses, impeccable clothing) but anything but internally.

Granted, broad strokes like this don't fit everyone. I had a nice conversation with my boss about this a couple of days ago. Ultimately what we decided was that people do subconsciously seek balance, but only in relation to themselves.

Anyway, just some stuff to ponder.

On Being Single and Good Therapy

Mel and I broke it off three weeks ago today. The reason for the break-up were clear although the timing of it surprised me. However, if there was a reason why it wasn't going to work between us, that was about it. In any case, I've struggled with what led to it for a while and probably will for the foreseeable future. Like a lot of healing, it takes time and there are set backs. I have no resentment nor any regrets and I enjoyed, greatly, my time with Mel. I certainly hope to at least have a long and rewarding friendship with her in the future when she is ready.

So here are some questions for you. Is it fair to ask someone whom wants or needs a certain level of whatever to wait while you try to figure your way through or heal or whatever? I think the answer to that isn't obvious. She was saintly patient with me but we just had different perspectives on how things were moving along. Was it fair to ask her to wait? Yea, in the beginning it was. But it went on for too long. Ultimately, it was unfair to her and to me both.

In the end, I'm single again and back to where I was about this time last year. Not looking hard but open. Just seeing where life takes me.

I had a very very good conversation with my shrink today. Sometimes the sessions only lightly touch on the hard stuff and serve as a way to just blow of some steam and center myself. Other days, like today, it really gets down into the heart of darkness and probes those things that are root issues. These are hard days, but very rewarding. Today was one of the best. You see, I've been struggling with physical intimacy between myself and others. You may not have noticed, but I don't exactly engage when the conversation turns to more physical things and I rarely talk about what I like/don't like. It isn't because I'm into this off-the-reservation fringe stuff. It is because of some events in my past that led me to believing an inner dialog that says there should be a lot of secrecy around sex. And when I say in my past, I mean like pre-teen past. That was the root event that we managed to get down to today and _it_ _was_ _powerful_. Just finally putting my finger on it and that inner dialog was HUGE. My writing this post is a testament to just how transitional it is for me. That inner dialog, that little voice, has colored my relationships from the time it happened throughout my entire life. It is in no small part why my first serious relationship didn't happen until my late teens, why I don't make moves towards that end, why I stay out of the sex conversations, etc. One little damn incident. Fucking amazing.

Am I healed? Hell no. Am I way better now than I was this morning, hell yes. There is a lot of work to do yet but finally understanding that one thing, that wound that started it all, helps me put structure around something I've been struggling with almost my entire life.

How does that change me from now on? I have my suspicions. I guess I'll have to see how it all plays out.

Game on.

Patriotosim vs Nationalism

Is there a difference between patriotism and nationalism?

According to dictionary.com:

Patriotism
Pa"tri*ot*ism\, n. [Cf. F. patriotisme.] Love of country; devotion to the welfare of one's country; the virtues and actions of a patriot; the passion which inspires one to serve one's country. --Berkley.

Nationalism
na·tion·al·ism Audio Help /ˈnæʃənlˌɪzəm, ˈnæʃnəˌlɪz-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[nash-uh-nl-iz-uhm, nash-nuh-liz-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. national spirit or aspirations.
2. devotion and loyalty to one's own nation; patriotism.
3. excessive patriotism; chauvinism.
4. the desire for national advancement or independence.
5. the policy or doctrine of asserting the interests of one's own nation, viewed as separate from the interests of other nations or the common interests of all nations.
6. an idiom or trait peculiar to a nation.
7. a movement, as in the arts, based upon the folk idioms, history, aspirations, etc., of a nation.

The #2 definition in nationalism is interesting because it refers to patriotism while #3 talks about an excessive patriotism.

Anyway, I believe they are different. I often joke when someone wears a flag pin or a flag on their car or whatever that they are obviously true patriots because they are flying the flag. I also have a red shirt that happens to have a flag sewn into the collar that I call my 'Gay Hating, Bible Beating, Beer Loving, Gun Toting Patriot Shirt' that I wear to special occasions (or when it is the only clean shirt left).

See, I believe that there is a certain strain of what people call patriotism that runs through this country that is actually nationalism in its ugly form. The type that says 'America can do no wrong' and if you dare raise a question or dissent in anyway you are labeled a traitor. It was used as a club during the 2002 and 2004 elections and is still used to demonize people that question our policies on torture and wireless wiretapping, etc. And it is all simplistic bullshit. Wearing a flag pin and yelling 'America is great and the French suck' isn't being a patriot, that is being a 5 year old.

One of the descriptions of the difference between patriotism and nationalism that I like is that nationalism is country above all, no matter what. Patriotism is the love and defense of the values the idea of a country hold above all. So when you start to piss all over the Constitution if you aren't questioning it you are a traitor.

So yea, in my view there is a stark difference between the two. Unquestioning loyalty or informed dissent. I'll take the latter, thank you very much.

McCain: Feel the Excitement

A picture is worth a thousand words, and all that.

The Most Interesting Man In The World

From the Dos Equis commercial The Most Interesting Man In The World:

The police stop to question him on a regular basis just because they find him interesting.
His beard alone has experienced more than a regular man's entire body.
His blood smells like calogne.
His charm is so contagious scientists had to develop a vaccine for it.
Long ago, he built a city out of blocks. Today, over 6,000,000 people live and work there.
He is the only man to ever ace a Rorschach test.
Whenever he goes swimming, dolphins appear.
Alien abductors have asked him to probe them.
If he were to give you directions, you'd never get lost and you would arrive 5 minues early.
His legend preceeds him the way lightning preceeds thunder.

I love the one about the Rorschach test.

More Walken Please

Ahem.

Classic.

Fat Guy Stuck In The Internet

I saw this late Monday night or something.

Good stuff.

Where The Hell Is Matt

I needed to go to bed early tonight because I have a meeting in the morning tomorrow and I want to leave early to (hopefully) pick up my boat in the evening. So, like I normally do when I need to get up early for reasons other than my own I had a little miny rebellion and, well, it is 1:15 am and I am still up.

Part of my little rebellion was to go to www.break.com and look at videos that make me laugh. They have a lot of garbage on that site but occasionally I come across some good stuff.

Well, I came across one that led me to this website. The video, called 'Dancing 2008', to me is actually kinda inspiring. A little bitter about the very end of it but not enough to loose it's inspirational feel.

I figured I'd lay some inspiration on you all. The About Matt page on that website is pretty funny too.

Now I'm going to go to bed.

Maybe.

How Is Any Of This Demeaning

So two things happened recently in the world o' politics regarding McCain and his vaunted military record. The first was General Wesley Clark saying "Well, I don't think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president." McCain has been using his time as POW as a justification that he has great foreign relations experience, etc so questioning how being a POW translates into such experience is a perfectly fair question. So how is this 'swift boating' John McCain? And what is up with the all the hysteria over this? Isn't this a question the damn press should have been asking?

The second thing that happened, today, is a comment by Jim Webb, the freshman senator from good ol' Virginia who was the Secretary of something (Navy? Staff? don't recall) under Regean. Webb said that McCain should "calm down" on the use of his military service as justification for political goals. Naturally, people are flipping out about that as well.

So, have any of these comments been demeaning to McCain's service record aka the 'swift boating' of John Kerry? Or are these valid concerns and people are blowing it up because, well, I don't know why.

UPDATE: And this is why I Heart Obama.

"Pat All The Eggs"

Enjoy.