Monday, February 01, 2010

Wallowing in the Familiar

It has been a while since I blogged anything, to say the least. Between Facebook has serving as something of an outlet and the pressure of writing some sort of summary of the last 8 months or so I just haven't been all that motivated. I'm not sure this post is going to go anywhere in particular in any case.

On Saturday I did nothing productive. I was going to do the Polar Bear Plunge but decided not to and basically sat on my ass and played video games all day. It was mostly unsatisfying. I don't know what bothered me about it so much. Was it the pressure I felt from not getting any work or school done? I'm sure it had something to do with feeling overwhelmed; something I have always had trouble dealing with.

In any case, the only thing that came out of it came to me on Sunday when I realized what I was doing. I was wallowing in the familiar searching for something true. But was I really searching or was it more that I was just waiting? Waiting for something to come along that meant something to me? The real me, the true me, not the familiar me. What would that even look like?

The last two months have started to get under my skin a bit. After spending so much time in the late summer and fall doing new things and being outdoors I have just kinda buckled down and tried to make it through the cold months.

I am ready for this house thing to be resolved. The first few months didn't bother me that much but now it is holding me back. Or, more likely, I am using it as an excuse to hold me back, which amounts to the same thing really. I don't know where I am going to end up and I'm not comfortable with that. I also don't know what it'll be like not to have something at least semi-stable in my life. My personality needs an anchor and I fear this house may have been it for a little while. Maybe not. I don't know, and that is an issue.

What is it that makes being friends with an ex so complicated? Unresolved emotions I suppose. I used to be in contact in some way with the various few ex's in my life and now I'm only in contact to some degree with one, and that hurts some. It certainly simplifies things as well, so it isn't a complete loss. Still, even though I knew some needed to move on being shut out completely and suddenly is hard to deal with. At the same time, I chose to do that with the person that has been in my life the longest. Almost a year ago now. Ok, 3/4 of a year. Details. I hate details.

It hasn't been all doom and gloom. Not that any of it is really doom and gloom, just more like it has been unsettling. I am much more comfortable in my skin. I think I talked about this on this blog before. A year or so ago I stopped fighting what my nature is and just decided to embrace it and it has made all the difference in the world. Mostly this was in the form of expectations I had for myself. I accept that focusing on a single project for any long period of time is something that is difficult for me. So I don't try anymore. I break it all up in chunks and flip between stuff whenever something starts to frustrate me. I started working out and eating better. Cleaning the house up to put it on the market allowed me to get rid of literally over a ton of crap with more to go. School is going well, even if it adds to feeling overwhelmed sometimes.

And I guess that is my biggest obstacle right now. Dealing with those overwhelmed feelings in a healthy manner rather than falling back into the familiar. Working out helps. Regardless, it is probably something that I will always have to deal with. And that is ok. How boring would life be without a little struggle? Need the valleys to experience the peaks, etc.

I am going to wrap this up. This was nice and I hope to keep up with it again, but I'm not going to put any sort of expectation on myself to do so. I bleed hearts though so it should be easier going forward, even if it is just a song or something here and there.

So in summary, while I have been in limbo the bast couple of months I have made progress too. Things are good, even if I am missing something in my life. Like most of my posts, this was not reviewed in any way. I just sat down and wrote the thing at once. Let it poured out. It is the most raw that way, and most useful to me.

I'll leave you with what I think is the most simply creative video I have seen in a long time. Very cool.


Kirsten said...

Glad to see you blogging again...always love reading! Can definitely relate to most of the feelings you're going through right now too. Ready for spring and some fresh air...

Michelle said...

So, to this blog I sinly tip my hat to its creator. The soul of a person will bleed the truth through a stream of conscience and that is what you have done.

Expectations are the baine of human existance, and yet we feel we need them to exist... why can't the expectation simply be... to exist, live, think, act, want, and need.

This story is the same in many of us that will read this. The author is a personal hero to some of us that have watched him struggle and survive only to see him struggle again and have to dust himself off in order to exist.

An anchor will only hold down the heart of someone that needs to be free to exist... the expectation becomes the anchor. Pull it up or cut the line, either why you wind will fill your sails and you will be free.

Just know you are loved and treasured... not matter what metophorical state you find yourself existing.

Leila Katarina said...

Enjoyed reading this blog.
About the friendship with an ex- well I think that's complicated by definition. A lot of factors to consider, and if one of them doesn't quite fit, I personally think the friendship is doomed.
1) Equal footing- by that I mean no one still secretly pines for the other
2) The relationship didn't end bitterly, and with a 'live long, prosper' conclusion (ha)
3) Present partners will always be exes’ priority. As in if they're not comfortable with the friendship, they probably win. And this might sound harsh at first, but personally, assuming the significant other isn't all crazy-jealous (bye-bye), then yes- if they don't feel comfortable about me being friends with an ex/male, then why would I want to jeopardize love for friendship with a guy? Again, I date smart people (ha) so- if they feel something isn't quite right, then they're probably right.
Perhaps it's complicated because in most cases, it was never about friendship- it was about love. Friendship iced with passion? So maybe the core is still there...I don't know.
I personally am good friends with only one ex. As in, we will sit down and talk about relationships with others and be perfectly fine. Perhaps that should be the test. Is it weird/awkward? If it is- then yeah, the friendship is perhaps not meant to exist.
I don't know. Everything is complicated. There, that's my conclusion. Yay!!!

Kat xox

Ryan said...

Well you are right on with your conclusion. That friendship is over and has been for a while now. I'm only in contact with one ex now and I don't think anyone would ever really actually say we were ever anything more than friends.

I like (and agree) with your views that the S/O should get priority over friendship with an ex.

Thanks for your comments.

Leila Katarina said...

Or even better- the wise William of Ockam once said "the simplest answer is usually correct."
Interpreted by da Vinci as: "simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."
What I mean is, friendship is supposed be simple by definition. If the friendship is complicated, that speaks for itself- maybe it shouldn't exist.
I hate drama and complicated stuff- I stay away from it all.
Kat :)