Friday, July 11, 2008

On Being Single and Good Therapy

Mel and I broke it off three weeks ago today. The reason for the break-up were clear although the timing of it surprised me. However, if there was a reason why it wasn't going to work between us, that was about it. In any case, I've struggled with what led to it for a while and probably will for the foreseeable future. Like a lot of healing, it takes time and there are set backs. I have no resentment nor any regrets and I enjoyed, greatly, my time with Mel. I certainly hope to at least have a long and rewarding friendship with her in the future when she is ready.

So here are some questions for you. Is it fair to ask someone whom wants or needs a certain level of whatever to wait while you try to figure your way through or heal or whatever? I think the answer to that isn't obvious. She was saintly patient with me but we just had different perspectives on how things were moving along. Was it fair to ask her to wait? Yea, in the beginning it was. But it went on for too long. Ultimately, it was unfair to her and to me both.

In the end, I'm single again and back to where I was about this time last year. Not looking hard but open. Just seeing where life takes me.

I had a very very good conversation with my shrink today. Sometimes the sessions only lightly touch on the hard stuff and serve as a way to just blow of some steam and center myself. Other days, like today, it really gets down into the heart of darkness and probes those things that are root issues. These are hard days, but very rewarding. Today was one of the best. You see, I've been struggling with physical intimacy between myself and others. You may not have noticed, but I don't exactly engage when the conversation turns to more physical things and I rarely talk about what I like/don't like. It isn't because I'm into this off-the-reservation fringe stuff. It is because of some events in my past that led me to believing an inner dialog that says there should be a lot of secrecy around sex. And when I say in my past, I mean like pre-teen past. That was the root event that we managed to get down to today and _it_ _was_ _powerful_. Just finally putting my finger on it and that inner dialog was HUGE. My writing this post is a testament to just how transitional it is for me. That inner dialog, that little voice, has colored my relationships from the time it happened throughout my entire life. It is in no small part why my first serious relationship didn't happen until my late teens, why I don't make moves towards that end, why I stay out of the sex conversations, etc. One little damn incident. Fucking amazing.

Am I healed? Hell no. Am I way better now than I was this morning, hell yes. There is a lot of work to do yet but finally understanding that one thing, that wound that started it all, helps me put structure around something I've been struggling with almost my entire life.

How does that change me from now on? I have my suspicions. I guess I'll have to see how it all plays out.

Game on.

No comments: