Sunday, April 26, 2009

Stream of Concisounness!!


It is 1 am. I have returned from hanging out on a friends deck with some other peeps and drinking some wine. I am listening to a song that helped me through a difficult part of my life right now (posted at the end of this) and I have decided to just babble and see where it goes. Haven't done this in a while. Buckle your seat belts.

I let old Ryan show some today. I'm not proud about it. I took out some frustration (ok, a lot of frustration) over this fricken boat on a friend. Yea, it was through text messages but I was still being a dick. I also probably wasn't the most enjoyable person to be around for a bit today. So sick and tired of these delays. I'm sure you all have been here but I felt like everything was lining up against me. I mean how else can you explain a left turn light that doesn't function so people had to run it which caused this big traffic delay when I was trying to make it to a wine vertical I've only been talking about for over a year? Stupid construction and the weirdest places too plus a cop that rather than letting the six cars turn right instead decides to let the main traffic go again. Granted, he corrected and let us go but man that didn't help my mood. And really. I've been talking about this damn event for OVER A YEAR!! And I was an hour late. Ok, sure, it was awesome and the wine was great and I ended up buying a case of this normally $50/bottle wine for $200. Hard to beat that. And so good!

Oy, new paragraph. Anyway, I said all that to say this: why is that when your (and I am generalizing here) mood sucks it seems like everything is against you? There is a line from a Rush song that goes something like 'The way you feel changes how you view the world' that comes to mind a lot and I think it is right on. Perception is something I've talked/bitched/discussed about on here and in person and I really think it is key to almost everything. 'Reality' is shit. NLP (Neural Linguistic Programming) is a psychological practice that came about in the 70's. The more I read/observe/learn about it the more I think it is right on. It deals a lot with perception and 'mental maps' that people create to interpret the world. Understanding that people are coming from a different background/culture/world than you can explain a lot in how differences in opinion can come about. One of my favorite tenants of NLP is that 'the meaning of the message is in how it is received, not how it is sent'. Basically, the whole 'but I meant' this is doesn't matter what you is totally in how the other person took it. This doesn't mean you have to responsible for how they take stuff or their shit, but it helpful to understand this when misinterpretantions come up. It doesn't do any good to try to convince someone you meant something else. It works a lot better to try a different angle.

Damn I want to go sailing. It's been something like two months now. The deck looks least compared to what it was. Much cleaner and whiter. Hopefully tomorrow. I just want the peace of being propelled with nothing but silence. I need it.

So when I was in college I went through a very difficult time. I had failed out (I blame DOOM and a computer lab in a parking deck) and I didn't know what I was going to do. I was still living on campus at the time. Actually, this was the second time I failed out. The first time I fixed on my own and went into 'academic probation'. How ominous. But I failed out AGAIN while on this probation. Looking back I think the hardest moment was telling my dad I failed out of college. For some reason my dad being disappointed in my was (still is, really) the worst thing that could happen to me. After talking to him and my step-mom I remember taking a walk to a park near where they lived and crying quite a bit. I remember resolving to come out of this better and more focused. It was during this period in my life that I came across a song.

Have you ever been in a place in your life where a single song really helps you through? It can be uplifting or depressing. Happy or sad. Doesn't matter. It just talks to you at that point in your life and just fricken helps. I've had a few moments like that in my life but I've always remembered this one. I remember being alone at my mom's with this song cranked up loud as hell and singing my heart out...tears and everything. Did it help? Not in the way I thought. I managed to fail out the very next semester and just gave up on college for the time begin (I've sense started going back). My life went if a VERY different direction but looking back I have few regrets. I think for where I was when I was I just wasn't able to appreciate college. Not like I can now. How amazing it is that perspective can change so much over the years. Totally and utterly fascinating.

Anyway, I'm not so running out of steam as much as I think the number of people that actually make this far are going to be few and far between. Is that me being realistic or just beating myself up? Don't know. Probably both. Funny that.

The song I mentioned was 'Someone Else' from Queensryche. The video can be seen here and the lyrics are posted below. I want to highlight one specific part for you all:

Standing here at the crossroad's edge
Looking down at what I used to be
A drowning man, trying to stay afloat
Heavy with the past, but somehow keeping hope
That there's something more that is seen
But it's somewhere out of reach

I think this sums up that summer and some periods in my life since. Knowing that there is more but not being able to reach it. The 'heavy with the past' part DEFINITELY describes some days for me recently. But that could be another posting like 30x as long as this one, so lets not go there now.

Anyway, full lyrics follow. For those of you that made it this far (this is me beating myself up again), I appreciate it.


When I fell from grace I never realized
How deep the flood was around me
A man whose life was toil was like a kettle left to boil
And the water left these scars on me

The chains I wore were mine, dragging me towards my fate
Planned for me long ago

I played by all their rules, went to their right schools

Who was I to question?

They used to say I was nowhere man
Heading down was my destiny
But yesterday I swear that was
Someone Else not me

Here I stand at the crossroad's edge
Afraid to reach out for eternity
One step when I look down
I see someone else, not me

I know now who I am, if only for awhile
I recognize the changes
I feel like I did, before the magic wore thin
And the baptism of stains began

Sacrifice, they always say... is a sign of nobility
But where does one draw the line in the face of injury?
I'm just trying to understand

Standing here at the crossroad's edge
Looking down at what I used to be
A drowning man, trying to stay afloat
Heavy with the past, but somehow keeping hope
That there's something more that is seen
But it's somewhere out of reach

So I keep looking back
Looking back and I see someone else

All my life they said I was going down
But I'm still standing stronger proud

And today I know, there's so much more I can be
I think I finally understand

From where I stand at the crossroad's edge
There's a path leading out to sea
And from somewhere deep in my mind
Sirens sing out loud, songs of doubt, as only they know how
But one glance back reminds and I see
Someone Else, not me.

I keep looking back at Someone Else... me?


EJ said...

"...I also probably wasn't the most enjoyable person to be around for a bit today...."

Um....considering I was with you MOST of the day...any frustration I saw was well contained and entirely understandable. You weren't an unenjoyable person to be around at all. While we didn't get to go sailing, I still had a great time with the Nebbiolo vert tasting.
Thank you!

Lensche said...

Hey Ryan.
I know it has been a while since you've been writing in here, but I'm hoping, that you'll read this never the less.
I've got a question about the song you mentioned: "someone else". I know this song very well and it has it's own story in my life, but I know it in another version, so I was very surprised to read your lyrics and I wanted to ask you if you could send me the song (or a link-the one you mentioned does not exist anymore) that I could listen to it...
however...your sstory was great to read and made me thinking about many things...

greetings(I hope for an answer)
(for contact: or facebook: Lena Pilz)

Kat said...

'The way you feel changes how you view the world'.
There is an interesting cross between Quantum Physics and Philosophy. In quantum, the act of observing a particle determines its state. Philosophers have extrapolated from this in a way that could change your quote to: 'The way you feel changes the world'.
All very interesting stuff. I believe that's the basic of the book 'The Secret'. I do somewhat believe in projecting your attitude in a way that could influence what comes about. Whether its because your thoughts can actually help shape reality, or because having a positive outlook tends to instigate positive feedback, hence positive experiences.....well that's another topic for another time. With some of that wine you bought, perhaps.
Kat :)

Ryan said...

Yes, attitude is very important. In Psychology there have been quite a few studies that show how much your emotional state can affect how you handle stress, deal with bad news, etc.

As far as that conversation on whether or not it is causing the world to change or yourself, I will take you up on that. ;)