Friday, October 10, 2008

Circumstances and Emotion


I fear I am suffering from circumstances of my own creating.

In general, things are moving along nicely. Granted, I have no steady job, but I have enough money to get by for a couple of months to give me time to come up with something. I'm starting to look more like a bowling pin than a stick, but various tests (Doctor and others) say I'm basically healthy, just out-of-shape. Where I am suffering is in the romantic area of life, and it is my fault.

I've come along tremendously in understanding and dealing with my crap from an intellectual point of view. What I have fallen flat on is in dealing with my emotional maturity, or lack there of. Plainly, I suck at connecting with people on an emotional level. It isn't that I can't do it, it is that I am scared to death to do it.

I can feel this tight ball of emotion kinda wrapped up nice and tidy deep in my chest and it scares me to even think about started to unwrap it. I don't know why and maybe I don't need to know why. Maybe it is just one of those things that I just need to do and not evaluate?

I thought dealing with anxiety and some other issues were tough. That stuff was a piece of cake compared to what I feel this is going to be. I know where to start. I even know who to talk to. But I feel paralyzed to do it.

As a result of this fear and inability (or unwillingness?) to act I think I lost, or am well on my way to doing so, a relationship that was very important to me. And that cuts me to the bone.

So I feel trapped in circumstances of my own making. I know the way out. Why can't I take that first step?

UPDATE: Just a point of clarification. When I speak about that ball of emotion it isn't about a single relationship. It is something that has been forming for years, ever since I started controlling my emotion rather than experiencing it.


Kirsten said...

You know why you can't take that first step. FEAR. You said it yourself..."As a result of this fear". It is paralyzing. It is dreadful. It is what keeps so many of us from being in great relationships with others. We're afraid to be vulnerable. We're afraid of change. We're afraid to get hurt (again). We're afraid of getting rejected. We're afraid of all the unknowns.

I guess the best you can do is acknowlege that that is what is holding you back and figure out...what are you gonna do about it? Face it, or let it keep holding you back? I know...much easier said than done! :)

CMS said...

Good luck to you on all fronts. Sadly, I have no advice for you save, do what you have to do. i can't even give a good analogy for relationships right now ( that's a scary thought)

In a melodramatic sense, they can bring you some life, they can bring you some death, but with any luck they can bring you education.

As for conquering fear..... I touched a snake ( a real one not the metafor ) a couple days ago. I don't touch snakes. I can barely look at them. Innate, dibilitating fear of them. But I took a deep breath and I did it. Not fun, couldn't breathe real well, but I did it and I am proud of myself.

When you are ready, you'll touch/tackle the things that you are afraid of. And sometimes it helps when there's someone nearby telling you that you can do it too :-) But you have to believe it before it counts for anything.

Ryan said...

Thanks for the comments peeps, both here and in other places. I went ahead and took the first step that I needed to do. It is the first step in what I figure will be a long trip, probably one I'm not going to enjoy at first. But at least I'm on the path.

Anyway, I really liked this: " they can bring you some life, they can bring you some death, but with any luck they can bring you education" That was really good.