This is a stream of consciousness. I don't expect it to make sense to many people if anyone. You may read it if you wish and take from it what you can, but it's mostly for me because I'm in a particular mood. I have no idea what I'll latch onto and where it'll go. Should be educational to say the least.
I sit in a very comfortable chair and a friends house where I am currently house/dog sitting and will spend my evening. Outside it is a light mist which is something I really enjoy walking around end. It is the kind of night and the kind of mood that, if I smoked, I'd be outside sitting on the door step watching the mist while smoking. Instead, I am inside writing this.
I have had four hours of sleep out of the last 36 hours and have just returned from dinner with some close friends at Bonefish in which no small amount of Coppola Cab Sauv was consumed. As a result I have a bit of a buzz that is contributing to my openness. Normally I would keep some of what I feel is close to the surface now close to my chest. The lack of sleep, liquid 'courage', and the fact that I didn't know I was out of refills on my meds and now have been a day without are all contributing.
Speaking of meds, I take something I don't even remember the name of right now. It works on the serotonin levels in the brain to help with anxiety. A while back I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia which in my case mostly translated to a generalized anxiety but in extreme cases results in people literally being afraid from leaving their house. I've never been anywhere near that level and the place I was a few years ago when I started my journey feels like forever ago. The anxiety feels so far away. The 'Black Eyed Peas' did a song called Anxiety way back in the day that describes what I felt I went through pretty well, particularly the chorus. Here are the lyrics.
Lexapro! That's what I take. The withdrawal from it is very weird. I'm not sure I know how to describe it. I've gone for several days without before and I'm only 24 hours into this, so I think this mood is more the lack of sleep and alcohol pushing me along. Writing this feels therapeutic. I'm sure the psychologist I used to see would approve. When you fall off to sleep and your are on the edge of sleep if you have ever felt those involuntary muscle spasms - particularly around your eyes, scalp and into your hands - those are kind of what the withdrawal feels like. Whenever I move my eyes more than a bit I feel them lance through my arms and scalp. They don't hurt. It's not like what I would imagine lightning or electric shocks to feel like. Its much different then that. And I don't convulse like you do as you drift off to sleep. It is very hard to describe. Hopefully the Lexapro will be refilled tomorrow or I can talk them into a one week sample or something. This is just much more annoying than anything else.
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is coming back soon. Very funny show. Here are some of the Mac vs PC spoof commercials they are running to advertise it that I think are quick funny. Pervert Clown. That one is for a few specific people, you know who you are. And holy crap is Danny DeVito short. Post Coital. My Favorite. At least currently. And finally, what it is like arguing with conservatives: Perfectly Symmetrical.
I used to be afraid of flying. Actually, before I was afraid of it I loved it. I learned to walk on an airplane flying to California. I loved it so much I wanted to learn how to fly an airplane in college. For one of my birthday's my mother purchased a 90 minute introductory flight for me at the local airport in Hagerstown. I sat on that thing for a while and then one nice fall or spring day I decided to do it. I drove out to the airport and did the class room part which was pretty brief. My instructor and I walked out to the runway and approached the airplane. I remember him saying "We usually do not take people up when it's this windy out but it's a nice day and you and I are here so what the heck.". And it was fricken windy. The first sign that I should have backed out was when he was looking in the back of the seats for the barf bags that weren't there. We climbed into the plane and he let me taxi and take off. The first couple of minutes where incredible until we reached an altitude where the wind picked up. Feeling the tail shift violently from the left to the right and vice-versa wasn't too bad. Even the sudden drops were bearable. But the sudden drops and then the sudden rises were killing me. I had a white knuckle grip on the wheel and the throttle and ended up having to have him take me back and land early. I never did throw up but I was certainly green. I thought I had weathered it alright but it wasn't long after that I developed a fear of flying. It wasn't until watching "The Aviator" and seeing Leonardo Di Caprio's portrayal of Howard Hughes' fascination with flight was I able to reacquaint myself with my own fascination. Now I feel much better about it and have been on a few trips.
At dinner tonight a friend of mine made a few comments that made me feel like I was a dear in headlights. I don't know that she noticed but I sure did. In small group social situations and with people I am familiar with I am pretty extroverted. However, I keep some things very close and and when things are put out there that pierce to the heart of things it really shakes me. As much as I get along with people that see to the core like that and appreciate the honesty it forces in myself sometimes it is REALLY uncomfortable. Control is just an illusion I suppose and I dislike being stripped of that particular illusion, even if it is healthy.
Wow I'm totally loosing my buzz now. I think I'm going to stop this 'heart-to-heart' and publish it while I'm still willing to do so and the hell with the results.