Friday, August 24, 2007

Stream of Consciousness

This is a stream of consciousness.  I don't expect it to make sense to many people if anyone.  You may read it if you wish and take from it what you can, but it's mostly for me because I'm in a particular mood.  I have no idea what I'll latch onto and where it'll go.  Should be educational to say the least.

I sit in a very comfortable chair and a friends house where I am currently house/dog sitting and will spend my evening.  Outside it is a light mist which is something I really enjoy walking around end.  It is the kind of night and the kind of mood that, if I smoked, I'd be outside sitting on the door step watching the mist while smoking.  Instead, I am inside writing this.

I have had four hours of sleep out of the last 36 hours and have just returned from dinner with some close friends at Bonefish in which no small amount of Coppola Cab Sauv was consumed.  As a result I have a bit of a buzz that is contributing to my openness.  Normally I would keep some of what I feel is close to the surface now close to my chest.  The lack of sleep, liquid 'courage', and the fact that I didn't know I was out of refills on my meds and now have been a day without are all contributing.

Speaking of meds, I take something I don't even remember the name of right now.  It works on the serotonin levels in the brain to help with anxiety.  A while back I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia which in my case mostly translated to a generalized anxiety but in extreme cases results in people literally being afraid from leaving their house.  I've never been anywhere near that level and the place I was a few years ago when I started my journey feels like forever ago.  The anxiety feels so far away.  The 'Black Eyed Peas' did a song called Anxiety way back in the day that describes what I felt I went through pretty well, particularly the chorus.  Here are the lyrics.

Lexapro!  That's what I take.  The withdrawal from it is very weird.  I'm not sure I know how to describe it.  I've gone for several days without before and I'm only 24 hours into this, so I think this mood is more the lack of sleep and alcohol pushing me along.  Writing this feels therapeutic.  I'm sure the psychologist I used to see would approve.  When you fall off to sleep and your are on the edge of sleep if you have ever felt those involuntary muscle spasms - particularly around your eyes, scalp and into your hands - those are kind of what the withdrawal feels like.  Whenever I move my eyes more than a bit I feel them lance through my arms and scalp.  They don't hurt.  It's not like what I would imagine lightning or electric shocks to feel like.  Its much different then that.  And I don't convulse like you do as you drift off to sleep.  It is very hard to describe.  Hopefully the Lexapro will be refilled tomorrow or I can talk them into a one week sample or something.  This is just much more annoying than anything else.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is coming back soon.  Very funny show.  Here are some of the Mac vs PC spoof commercials they are running to advertise it that I think are quick funny.  Pervert Clown.  That one is for a few specific people, you know who you are.  And holy crap is Danny DeVito short.  Post CoitalMy Favorite.  At least currently.  And finally, what it is like arguing with conservatives: Perfectly Symmetrical.

I used to be afraid of flying.  Actually, before I was afraid of it I loved it.  I learned to walk on an airplane flying to California.  I loved it so much I wanted to learn how to fly an airplane in college.  For one of my birthday's my mother purchased a 90 minute introductory flight for me at the local airport in Hagerstown.  I sat on that thing for a while and then one nice fall or spring day I decided to do it.  I drove out to the airport and did the class room part which was pretty brief.  My instructor and I walked out to the runway and approached the airplane.  I remember him saying "We usually do not take people up when it's this windy out but it's a nice day and you and I are here so what the heck.".  And it was fricken windy.  The first sign that I should have backed out was when he was looking in the back of the seats for the barf bags that weren't there.  We climbed into the plane and he let me taxi and take off.  The first couple of minutes where incredible until we reached an altitude where the wind picked up.  Feeling the tail shift violently from the left to the right and vice-versa  wasn't too bad.  Even the sudden drops were bearable.  But the sudden drops and then the sudden rises were killing me.  I had a white knuckle grip on the wheel and the throttle and ended up having to have him take me back and land early.  I never did throw up but I was certainly green.  I thought I had weathered it alright but it wasn't long after that I developed a fear of flying.  It wasn't until watching "The Aviator" and seeing Leonardo Di Caprio's portrayal of Howard Hughes' fascination with flight was I able to reacquaint myself with my own fascination.  Now I feel much better about it and have been on a few trips.

At dinner tonight a friend of mine made a few comments that made me feel like I was a dear in headlights.  I don't know that she noticed but I sure did.  In small group social situations and with people I am familiar with I am pretty extroverted.  However, I keep some things very close and and when things are put out there that pierce to the heart of things it really shakes me.  As much as I get along with people that see to the core like that and appreciate the honesty it forces in myself sometimes it is REALLY uncomfortable.  Control is just an illusion I suppose and I dislike being stripped of that particular illusion, even if it is healthy.

Wow I'm totally loosing my buzz now.  I think I'm going to stop this 'heart-to-heart' and publish it while I'm still willing to do so and the hell with the results. 



Bunny said...

Thanks for sharing. It's interesting to see what you are thinking and to have a little insight into your brain for an evening.

Erica said...

Thankfully, no one was in my office when I looked at the pervert clown commercial. Not because of content but because of my reaction. Also, I'm really really glad I was done with my morning coffee. (Even if it isn't technically morning)

Ryan said...

Yea, maybe I should have put a bigger warning on there. Diving into my head probably isn't really a healthy thing for anyone else.

And damn is that guy short.

Shana said...

I have to agree with Erica on the Pervert Clown. Just sooo funny. I too was a little worried about my coworkers across the hall, especially since I had about three glasses of wine with lunch and my laughing was little hysterical.

I had seen the perfectly symetrical commercial, but I must say that it's a good thing you haven't asked me directly about my political leanings 8^p

Way too much other stuff to comment on here.. we'll talk later.

Ryan said...

Fricken libertarians. :)

Erica said...

Btw, after looking at all of their commercials on YouTube...I was equally amused by "Pretty Cameltoe". Although I did have to watch "Pervert Clown" repeatedly.

CMS said...

Just a few notes:

That's the red wine I was telling you and "mittens" about !!! The one my sis needed to help with the name on. Not being a red drinker, I really do like that one.

Uh, you have very interesting taste in TV. Perhaps I'll grow to appreciate. And being one of those short people.... lets try vertically challenged instead. Stupid vertically enhanced people.

Lexapro. I know several people taking that... from students to coworkers. And I know one coworker that, if I had the opportunity,I'd shove it down his throat. Anyway, get your refill soon if you can ( sorry to nag) but it's not good for your body to go off and then get back on. Plus, how many of these up close emails do you really want to be writing?? :-)

Good to see you writing again.... even though sometimes I certainly don't agree with your perspectives :-)

Next time you're out in this neck of the woods, I'll get one of those Coppola's. Better yet, lets do that during summertime.... and you get it :-)

Ryan said...

I was trying to remember whom it was I was with when we were trying to remember that name. Thanks for the reminder!

I made a mistake. It used to be Lexapro, now I'm on Cymbalta. Once thing is for sure, whenever I doubt that it actually helps me out I just have to remember these times when I'm off of it for a day or two to realize that it really does do its job well.

I'm not sure what I think about writing this thing. Mostly good I think, so it'll probably happen again.

And you aren't anywhere as near as short as Danny. That guy is more wide than tall. :)