Saturday, January 10, 2009

Introspection - Stream of Consciousness

I set here writing this while listening to Sarah McLachlan (thus the previous song post) and find myself in a really strange mood. I haven't done one of these stream of consciousness posts in a while so lets see where this one goes.

On New Year's day I started to think about what 2009 would be like, to get a gut feel for it. Usually when I do this I get some general idea for what is coming down the pike, who knows why, and I don't really care how. The last few years I've felt positive about and they have been positive. Is it the feeling that makes the year or something else? Again, I really don't care. This year, though, I feel like a dark cloud is around the corner. I don't get the same excited anticipation I have in the past. This year it feels like everything will just cancel out. Good and bad. And throw away year. At the same time I feel like there is a choice coming that will set the course for the rest of the year. If I choose wrong, it'll be that throw away year with a bunch of pain and suffering along with a bunch of good stuff. If I choose right, it'll be pretty smooth sailing. I have no idea what or when that choice is but I do feel like it is soon. Will it be a health crisis? Financial? Maybe not even mine directly but someone I know? Could it be emotional? Is this the year it all comes crashing down or when I loose control? What is this gnawing feeling in my gut that comes and goes. I don't know. Maybe just stress from the before-mentioned project and class.

I find myself wanted to get away, wanting to change. Well, I did. Two days ago I was having a really hard time. My stress was at an all time high. I had been staying up until 5 am every night for over a week working on this thing. I had changed when I take my meds to before bedtime to see if that would help with sleep (it did). It also gave me really vivid dreams. But late Wednesday night I dealt with something I haven't dealt with in over 10 almost full blown anxiety attack. It didn't get there but I had some really dark thoughts and violent feelings going through me. It was really scary. It was the first time in, I don't even know how long that I honestly thought I was nearing the edge of a steep cliff. Is that how people feel before they have a breakdown? They just take that step over the edge and down they go? I don't know but I never want to be there again. I got the hell out of the house on Thursday and this evening and I'm not letting myself get to that point of stress again. I mean, what was the point? What was driving me to knock this stupid project out that I am going to end up loosing potential cash on? I still made time to hang out with friends here and there but I was cutting it short to get back to work. I NEVER do that. I've always felt that a healthy social life was more important than any slavish plodding along at work. Christ, I'm trying to get out of this field all together. I think. Am I? I don't even know. Sometimes it is fun developing because I'm good at it and it does satisfy some of my needs. But it doesn't give me that deep lasting feeling I crave. Like I'm really making a difference. Who am I making a difference for? Some guy that wants to rent apartments out? Wow, that is some world changing shit right there. Pointless.

Lest anyone gets concerned, let me put your mind at ease. I am doing well. I've certainly been in lower lows and I don't know that I would even call whatever this is a low. It is just a transition. Things are changing and sometimes I struggle to let it happen and to accept it. I think I adapt very well to new situations but that doesn't mean I embrace it. I have been having trouble believing that there is a Harry for every Sally on some days. On other days I'm sure of it. Lately I have been lonely but I'm ok with it, mostly. I couldn't have said that a few months ago. Being ok with being lonely, sad or angry is a good thing. Embracing those emotions and just sitting with them, not pushing them away, is the way to go. It is hard, but it makes a difference.

Jeez, no on is going to ready this thing. I'm certainly not going to reread it tonight. That defeats the purpose. A friend mentioned a question that was posed to him a couple of nights ago by someone. The question was: What was the last thing you regretted? Regret. Do I honestly regret anything? I don't mean the 'opps, that was stupid' sort of regret or the 'i didn't mean to hurt you type'. I mean the bone numbing, life changing, can-drive-you-to-the-edge-if-you-obsess-over-it sort of regret. I don't know that I do. There are decisions that, given the choice, I would do over but I don't know that I regret them. I've caused pain to others and I feel like shit about it. I've done things that have caused pain and hardship to me and only me as well. Would I do it differently? Fuck yes. Could I have done it differently? I doubt it. You are who you are when you make decisions. All of the things that go into that choice - hope, fear, passion, logic - are unique to that moment in time. Would you make the same choice now if knew then what you know now? Probably not. Its the same deal with looking forward. Does it make sense to plan? Absolutely. Does it make sense to stay strictly within that plan? I don't think so, at least not for me. I rather have a general idea, a target, to aim for with the understanding that that target can change in a heart beat. Facts on the ground and all that crap.

Blah, I'm going places that aren't useful to me, but it is stuff on my mind. I read that this guy tried to commit suicide by lighting himself on fire in front of a bunch of people. Shortly after he lit himself up he had a change of heart and threw himself on the ground and rolled around to extinguish the flame. Unfortunately, he rolled himself right off a cliff and fell to his death. Can you imagine that? That guy was so desperate he decided to end it. But the moment it was real, that he was really on his way out, he changed his mind. Hope sprung eternal. Then he rolled off a cliff trying to save his life. There is a lesson in that somewhere but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.

I think I'm running out of steam here. At least for now. I've had scrubbing bubbles sitting in the shower for the past two hours and I think it is time to go back to battle. If some friends of mine end up somewhere hanging out tonight I might join them. I need companionship, closeness, some form on intimacy, even if it is just close friends. I'm craving it. I'm craving more than that but that will come, eventually.

In the meantime, I'm going to just go with what comes and stay present in the moment. And you know what? Despite it all, despite the stress and the loneliness and mess that is my house and my life I am more happy than not. I am more true to myself than I have ever been and I really feel I am going in the right direction for myself. I have no clue where it'll take me, but isn't that part of the fun?


CMS said...

Keep hanging in there. And congrats on the clean bathroom!!!! A definite plus in my book ;-)

Also, be happy you have people that you can ask or who ask you " Do you have any regrets?" That could lead to some great discussion or at least some good thought anyway.

Keep plugging away. Even if it sounds trite, this too shall pass. Maybe that saying is meant like waves in the ocean. Even if you get knocked over by one, it does pass and with any luck, you'll have a better idea how to handle the next one. Of course, there are those times that they come so fast you don't always see them coming, and they smack you down too, but even those pass.... although sometimes you have a couple scrapes and bruises to show for it :-) And God willing, you become a stronger swimmer for it.

Kirsten said...

Thanks for trusting your friends enough to may seem like you're doing it for yourself, but really you are helping others in the process. I think this time of year especially a lot of us feel pretty down in the dumps, myself included, and sometimes the saying "Misery loves company" is true. Its nice to know sometimes that you're not the only one that ever feels like they've fallen into a deep dark hole. And I hope you know that your friends are always here for you, although sometimes we go to sleep earlier than you do! ;-)