Friday, January 18, 2008

Relationships and the Plan of Three

I am a serial monogamist. What that means is I meet someone, fall in love, think they are the one, really get into the relationship, start to have doubts, relationship goes to shit, takes forever to end, swear of women for a time then rinse and repeat. One of the problems with that is it really limits experience and confidence and forces me to settle instead of really shooting for the moon.

My therapist has a solution for serial is called The Plan Of Three! Here is how it works.

First, you define your type on three levels. And yes, everyone has a type. Each level is the perfect one, a perfect 10. The first level is physical and doesn't need an explanation. The second level is emotional and intellectually which also probably doesn't need an explanation. The third level is the tough one to put into words. Basically it whether or not the person feels like they are on the right path and far along that path they are that you are comfortable with. It doesn't mean they know what their 'destiny' is but more like if they feel like they are moving along in their life and if you are comfortable with whatever level that may be.

Second, you only date people that are 9's and 10's in all three levels. The idea is to NOT settle but to shoot for the moon. The ones that make you do a double-take are who you are shooting for. Don't settle is the mantra.

Third, it is non-sexual dating. You want to get to know these people on a friendship level with the intent of dating before you start banging pelvises. Kissing and that sorta thing is totally ok but you don't want to move into the type of intimacy that changes relationships until you are sure he/she fits 9/10 on all three levels.

Forth, you date multiple people and make sure everyone knows you are dating others, not necessarily who. The idea is date three people or so for a while until you really land on that one person.

Fifth, if you do decide to move into a more intimate relationship with someone, you break it off with everyone else. This part is key, for obvious reasons.

Ok, so what is the goal here? Why date three, etc? One thing to keep in mind is that this plan is totally not for everyone. It is mainly aimed at people (like me) with a somewhat limited dating experience, a lack of confidence in initiating relationships and a lack of perspective in what works for you and what doesn't on all three levels. For example, I can sit here and tell you, intellectually, what my type is. What I like physically, emotionally and whatever. However, I don't know for sure. How can I without something to really base it on? So by dating multiple people and, yes, comparing experiences I can really start to figure out what I really want. What the ideal is for me. And in doing so, if I really REALLY click with someone and I am totally open and honest with myself, then I make the next move and go exclusive with that person.

With me so far? That is the Plan of Three and it has worked for quite a few of my therapists clients'. Basically, as long as you are honest with it and really work it, it'll work. All of the things that make me uncomfortable about it hit on areas that I am not confident and tend to shy away from. So it makes sense to me.

Moving on. Shana and I decided to just be friends and she is dating someone we both know and they are quite taken with each other, so good for her! I am dating a wonderful woman named Melissa (Mel) and so far things have been going very well.

Good times.


darin said...

Hmmmm....I think I'm gonna go with that plan:)
But dude..."banging pelvises" just cracked me up:)

But it all sounds good to me!!!

darin said...

Hmmmm....I think I'm gonna go with that plan:)
But dude..."banging pelvises" just cracked me up:)

But it all sounds good to me!!

And this is Becky not Darin....

Shana said...

Yeah, I'm hoping that I get to see you click with someone soon.

I'll be around for a while, and hopefully this plan of three thing won't take too long for you to figure it all out, but I'm happy that you have a plan, and already have a very cute and wonderful woman to date as part of it.

But even more so, I'm very, very, VERY glad that we are still friends. I did get close to you over the past few months, and I do consider you one of my very best and closest friends. You've helped me discover more about myself than you will ever know, and I've had more fun with you than I had time to post about!!

Here's to more discoveries and more good times!!

CMS said...

Neat theory. I think, for a single person, it's great if you can make it work for you. Good to know they say it's not for everyone though. For a person in my place in life.... eh... no.

Keep us posted.... tastefully though :-)

For me, its more a problem of time and common interest. But you seem to be pretty diverse in the later.

I too liked the "banging pelvis" description. Humorous with the potential for pain. Make sure you tell your children that one. Maybe that might help prevent the inevitable.

Best wishes on your adventures.

Ryan said...

Tastefully? I'm always tasteful!

Thanks for your comments, Shana. I concur. ;)