What If...

So like, I have these 'what if' things popping around in my head from time to time so I figure I'll just post them when I think of them and see what (if anything) comes out of them.

What if the Germans had not sunk the Lusitania in May of 1915? Would the US still have entered the war on the side of the Entente Powers or the side of the Central Powers? Up until that event it could have gone either way.

That's something I always found really interesting.

The Passion Of The Cracker

This kind of stuff getting out in the open makes me happy. The more the public sees how petty some of these people can be the better, imho.

So why is church attendance starting to decline again? Maybe it is because of these people going on witch hunts over crackers. Seriously, crackers. Crackers. Wow.

Trust: The Abridged Edition

Two of the last few posts talked about an 'inner dialog' or 'inner belief' that I thought I'd explain a bit about. I wrot this on 04/03/08 as well as an abridged version of my long-ass trust post. It turned out to be more lectury and not really exposing much of myself. Since I did finally post that Trust post here is the explanation part of 'inner dialog' and 'inner belief' for you.

******************************************************************************

People have belief systems, it is part of the mental map you construct in your head in order to make sense of reality. These belief systems start forming when you are a wee baby and continue to develop until you die. Not to put too fine a point on it but you basically spend your entire life making sense of everything through the prism of this mental map.

With that in mind, you can develop some beliefs when you are younger that, at the time, were necessary for survival. As you age these systems can not only become antiquated and bothersome but totally counter-productive or even harmful. Most, actually probably all, of therapy is spent trying to figure out what your belief systems are and then changing them to something that is more in line with what is actually happening.

Finally, before I actually get to my point, these belief systems happen mostly at a subconcious level and can be summed up in really short sentences. For example, "I'm not good enough" or "I don't deserve [whatever]" are examples of destructive belief systems that probably happened through tramua in early life.

Follow me?

Trust: A Semi-Focused Stream of Conciousness

I originally wrote this on 04/03/08 but didn't post it. It is ironic because I talk about not posting it in the text below. I post it now because, three months later, I think I finally figured out what it was I couldn't but my finger on that I babble about in the middle. I also post it because I am in a different place now.

**********************************************************************************

I just returned home from a movie get together where we watched Bubba Ho-Tep and Team America, two very funny - if very different - movies. I left halfway through Team America with the intention to return home to finish pushing some patches I worked on earlier in the day. However, I decided to write this - what'll probably be a rather long - post instead.

I tend to have a variety of post subjects floating around in my head that I want to write about for a number of different reasons. Some I think will just be plain entertaining. Others are about things I don't want to forget. And others, like this and the previous one, are to help me figure things out. I expect this to be a more focused version of that 'stream of conciousness' post from a year or so ago. Onward.

Over the past something like 10 years or so I've been on a journey internally. This journey has taken me down many different paths exploring different themes but all with the goal of becoming comfortable with myself. Those of you who have met me within the last 8 months or so or have knew before but also have had time to have more intense conversations with me recently know that I don't shy away about talking about many things about myself. However, as brutally open as I may be about some things there has always been a part that I haven't talked about. I'm not really going to go into that too much but I'm going to touch on it.

Most recently the path I have traveled has been a familiar one in that I have been working with a therapist I have been seeing for about 6 years with a few years off in the middle. He knows my history very well and I am comfortable with him. Recently (read: within the last 3 weeks) we have started to work on that stuff that I don't talk about much. We've really started to push into it the root causes of that little ball of...what, shame? I don't know, but whatever it is we have started to get to the heart of it.

See, you see what is going on here? I'm avoiding it. What is up with that? It's amazing how the mind works sometimes. Ok, so check it out. It all comes down to my ability (or inability, really) to trust people. Not trust like 'I trust you not to give up a secret I tell you' trust, because that's easy. No, I mean trust like 'I totally, unquestioningly trust you with my life' sort of trust. That kinda thing. It's a big deal, and I didn't really realize how much it plays into my relationships until recently. I know, it seems obvious on the surface, but there it is.

Seriously, I always knew I had a trust issue but I always thought it was in relation to a specific person and for good reasons. What I didn't realize, and what is really becoming clear to me, is that that trust issue existed before that time in my life and has affected everything since.

Where did it come from? This is what we have been working on some. My parents divorced when I was in my early teens. I always thought it didn't affect me that much because I was in my teens where it did affect my brother. What a load of crap. Of course it affected me. However, as far as I'm concerned my parents did right by me in how they went about it and I really appreciate that. They could have been perfect and there would be other issues to deal with, so in no way is this on them. I want that to be clear (call me if you want to talk about this).

So they divorced and to me the two most central people in my life seperated. Internally, at a subconcious level, I am beginging the process of understanding that that event made me start to have trust issues. Think about it. I grow up in a family that goes out and does stuff and I trust that that will always be (no matter how much mis-guided that belief is), right? That trust ends when they separate...ok, maybe not ends but at least is shaken.

That's where it starts. That alone didn't make the problem what it is but that did create a wound for me to deal with. So I got this wound I'm carrying around and the 'once bit, twice shy' saying comes into play. Onward.

My first relationship started in my late teens with someone I had known for a while (lived on my street, parents were friends, etc). I totally poured my soul into this relationship and let her in VERY close. It went on for a few years or so and ended abruptely one winter's afternoon. I found out the hard way that someone else was involved. Well now, talk about tearing that trust wound open wide. Any chance it had at healing was well gone after that.

This relationship goes on for a long time (some 14 years) off and on. Over and over I begin to trust and over and over something happens to betray that trust. I don't want to cast blame in one direction here. I absolutely had my part in all this. Regardless of that the end result was that that trust issue just kept being clobbered. Inside I started a belief that says 'Everytime I let someone get close they will hurt me.'. So I stick up a wall.

It's about this part where I'm not sure where things go. For example, while that wall makes it very hard for me to get past a certain part of intimacy, I have no problem talking about some pretty serious and personal stuff with people I trust. That's why I feel like there is something here that I don't get. When I think about those people that I can have those sorts of conversations about and then I think about some stuff that I have a really hard time talking about, I absolutely can't see myself talking about it because of that belief that if 'I let someone in too close they will hurt me.' Hell, I even feel like not posting this now or writing a disclaimer or some shit on top.

Let me give you some more examples. I saw this demonstration of a technique called EMDR that helps you identify emotions that are disassociated from your internal timeline and reassociate them (more to it than that, but that's enough for now). It is a very powerful technique and the results are pretty compelling (I went through it in 1999 or there abouts). Anyway, one of the things I was supposed to do before going to this demo was to come up with a couple of issues that were not super traumatic but did have some charge to them (a 5 or 6 on a 1-10 scale). I picked two that I initially thought were not related. The first was my boat engine melting and the second was Misfit dieing. Not related, right?

Ok, follow this. The more I thought about them during this demonstration the more I realized that not only are they related but they both come down to fucking my ability to trust! How screwed up is that? The boat because I had always done all the work myself and the first time I take it to a shop the engine melts and is ruined. The cat because the vet said we probably didn't need to do anymore testing and he was probably just a food issue and three days later the cat dies from kidney failure. Do you see how these two things just reinforce my issue with trust?

So that's it. That is where I'm at. I'm not sure what the answer is or how to repair it, but I'm sure as I'm sitting here that this is my root issue. It's the thing that I struggle with more than anything. After 10 years I finally have a finger on it. Now I just need to figure out what to do about it.

Some Stuff to Ponder

Is there a difference/distinction between structured thought and logical thought?

See, something Mere wrote in response to my post floundering around about the paradoxes of being a perfectionist and such a few weeks ago got me to thinking. She said something along the lines of 'Those of us with structured thinking tend to try to live in the moment to balance it out'. And I was thinking, 'I wonder if people naturally tend towards balance unconsciously.'. The more I think about it, the more I think that is true. Whether or not that balance is healthy or not is a different story, but I think people tend to balance themselves out.

For example, how many geniuses do you know/heard of that didn't have some crazy other stuff going on. Edison slept in the closet. Einstein wasn't exactly a social dynamo. There are plenty of amazing technical people that have the social skills of a ping-pong ball that has been stepped on and tossed into a fire. Similarly, a lot of actors/actresses and other pretty faces aren't exactly mental giants.

Another example, myself. I have very structured thinking (although I would argue it isn't necessarily logical) and analytical. However, my house is anything but structured. Well, that isn't entirely true. It is messy but actually pretty organized, oddly enough. Like organized chaos, but chaos none-the-less. Have you ever seen me not wear a shirt that had wrinkles in it? Wouldn't a structured mind live a structured existence? That is what I would assume, but that isn't the case. I would argue it is a way for me to seek balance. Similarly, I have known people that were very structured externally (neat houses, impeccable clothing) but anything but internally.

Granted, broad strokes like this don't fit everyone. I had a nice conversation with my boss about this a couple of days ago. Ultimately what we decided was that people do subconsciously seek balance, but only in relation to themselves.

Anyway, just some stuff to ponder.

On Being Single and Good Therapy

Mel and I broke it off three weeks ago today. The reason for the break-up were clear although the timing of it surprised me. However, if there was a reason why it wasn't going to work between us, that was about it. In any case, I've struggled with what led to it for a while and probably will for the foreseeable future. Like a lot of healing, it takes time and there are set backs. I have no resentment nor any regrets and I enjoyed, greatly, my time with Mel. I certainly hope to at least have a long and rewarding friendship with her in the future when she is ready.

So here are some questions for you. Is it fair to ask someone whom wants or needs a certain level of whatever to wait while you try to figure your way through or heal or whatever? I think the answer to that isn't obvious. She was saintly patient with me but we just had different perspectives on how things were moving along. Was it fair to ask her to wait? Yea, in the beginning it was. But it went on for too long. Ultimately, it was unfair to her and to me both.

In the end, I'm single again and back to where I was about this time last year. Not looking hard but open. Just seeing where life takes me.

I had a very very good conversation with my shrink today. Sometimes the sessions only lightly touch on the hard stuff and serve as a way to just blow of some steam and center myself. Other days, like today, it really gets down into the heart of darkness and probes those things that are root issues. These are hard days, but very rewarding. Today was one of the best. You see, I've been struggling with physical intimacy between myself and others. You may not have noticed, but I don't exactly engage when the conversation turns to more physical things and I rarely talk about what I like/don't like. It isn't because I'm into this off-the-reservation fringe stuff. It is because of some events in my past that led me to believing an inner dialog that says there should be a lot of secrecy around sex. And when I say in my past, I mean like pre-teen past. That was the root event that we managed to get down to today and _it_ _was_ _powerful_. Just finally putting my finger on it and that inner dialog was HUGE. My writing this post is a testament to just how transitional it is for me. That inner dialog, that little voice, has colored my relationships from the time it happened throughout my entire life. It is in no small part why my first serious relationship didn't happen until my late teens, why I don't make moves towards that end, why I stay out of the sex conversations, etc. One little damn incident. Fucking amazing.

Am I healed? Hell no. Am I way better now than I was this morning, hell yes. There is a lot of work to do yet but finally understanding that one thing, that wound that started it all, helps me put structure around something I've been struggling with almost my entire life.

How does that change me from now on? I have my suspicions. I guess I'll have to see how it all plays out.

Game on.

Patriotosim vs Nationalism

Is there a difference between patriotism and nationalism?

According to dictionary.com:

Patriotism
Pa"tri*ot*ism\, n. [Cf. F. patriotisme.] Love of country; devotion to the welfare of one's country; the virtues and actions of a patriot; the passion which inspires one to serve one's country. --Berkley.

Nationalism
na·tion·al·ism Audio Help /ˈnæʃənlˌɪzəm, ˈnæʃnəˌlɪz-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[nash-uh-nl-iz-uhm, nash-nuh-liz-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. national spirit or aspirations.
2. devotion and loyalty to one's own nation; patriotism.
3. excessive patriotism; chauvinism.
4. the desire for national advancement or independence.
5. the policy or doctrine of asserting the interests of one's own nation, viewed as separate from the interests of other nations or the common interests of all nations.
6. an idiom or trait peculiar to a nation.
7. a movement, as in the arts, based upon the folk idioms, history, aspirations, etc., of a nation.

The #2 definition in nationalism is interesting because it refers to patriotism while #3 talks about an excessive patriotism.

Anyway, I believe they are different. I often joke when someone wears a flag pin or a flag on their car or whatever that they are obviously true patriots because they are flying the flag. I also have a red shirt that happens to have a flag sewn into the collar that I call my 'Gay Hating, Bible Beating, Beer Loving, Gun Toting Patriot Shirt' that I wear to special occasions (or when it is the only clean shirt left).

See, I believe that there is a certain strain of what people call patriotism that runs through this country that is actually nationalism in its ugly form. The type that says 'America can do no wrong' and if you dare raise a question or dissent in anyway you are labeled a traitor. It was used as a club during the 2002 and 2004 elections and is still used to demonize people that question our policies on torture and wireless wiretapping, etc. And it is all simplistic bullshit. Wearing a flag pin and yelling 'America is great and the French suck' isn't being a patriot, that is being a 5 year old.

One of the descriptions of the difference between patriotism and nationalism that I like is that nationalism is country above all, no matter what. Patriotism is the love and defense of the values the idea of a country hold above all. So when you start to piss all over the Constitution if you aren't questioning it you are a traitor.

So yea, in my view there is a stark difference between the two. Unquestioning loyalty or informed dissent. I'll take the latter, thank you very much.

McCain: Feel the Excitement

A picture is worth a thousand words, and all that.

The Most Interesting Man In The World

From the Dos Equis commercial The Most Interesting Man In The World:

The police stop to question him on a regular basis just because they find him interesting.
His beard alone has experienced more than a regular man's entire body.
His blood smells like calogne.
His charm is so contagious scientists had to develop a vaccine for it.
Long ago, he built a city out of blocks. Today, over 6,000,000 people live and work there.
He is the only man to ever ace a Rorschach test.
Whenever he goes swimming, dolphins appear.
Alien abductors have asked him to probe them.
If he were to give you directions, you'd never get lost and you would arrive 5 minues early.
His legend preceeds him the way lightning preceeds thunder.

I love the one about the Rorschach test.

More Walken Please

Ahem.

Classic.

Fat Guy Stuck In The Internet

I saw this late Monday night or something.

Good stuff.

Where The Hell Is Matt

I needed to go to bed early tonight because I have a meeting in the morning tomorrow and I want to leave early to (hopefully) pick up my boat in the evening. So, like I normally do when I need to get up early for reasons other than my own I had a little miny rebellion and, well, it is 1:15 am and I am still up.

Part of my little rebellion was to go to www.break.com and look at videos that make me laugh. They have a lot of garbage on that site but occasionally I come across some good stuff.

Well, I came across one that led me to this website. The video, called 'Dancing 2008', to me is actually kinda inspiring. A little bitter about the very end of it but not enough to loose it's inspirational feel.

I figured I'd lay some inspiration on you all. The About Matt page on that website is pretty funny too.

Now I'm going to go to bed.

Maybe.

How Is Any Of This Demeaning

So two things happened recently in the world o' politics regarding McCain and his vaunted military record. The first was General Wesley Clark saying "Well, I don't think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president." McCain has been using his time as POW as a justification that he has great foreign relations experience, etc so questioning how being a POW translates into such experience is a perfectly fair question. So how is this 'swift boating' John McCain? And what is up with the all the hysteria over this? Isn't this a question the damn press should have been asking?

The second thing that happened, today, is a comment by Jim Webb, the freshman senator from good ol' Virginia who was the Secretary of something (Navy? Staff? don't recall) under Regean. Webb said that McCain should "calm down" on the use of his military service as justification for political goals. Naturally, people are flipping out about that as well.

So, have any of these comments been demeaning to McCain's service record aka the 'swift boating' of John Kerry? Or are these valid concerns and people are blowing it up because, well, I don't know why.

UPDATE: And this is why I Heart Obama.

"Pat All The Eggs"

Enjoy.

Tyson Homosexual

When modern technology fails.

Heller Gun Ban Decision

I wanted some time to see what the interpretations of the decision were going to play out like before I commented on it.

I'm not sure it is a bad decision nor do I think it is the end-all/be-all to gun control decisions. It seems that all it did two things:

1) Tossed out the entire 'militia' argument in the constitution all together and established an individual right to bear arms

2) Said total gun bans are unconstitutional at the FEDERAL level and reaffirmed the right to own a gun in the house or for hunting.

It did nothing to talk to how states want to enact gun control laws as long as it isn't a blanket restriction. From comments I've listened to and read over the past week since the decision came down it appears only a handful of gun bans are going to be affected. DC is already talking about pushing a new one through that enacts licensing and registration of guns and limiting ownership to the home for protection.

Another thing the law ruling doesn't do is talk to conceal and carry laws and the like.

So really I think, except for the 'militia' argument, this ruling doesn't do much of anything to end the debate on gun control. What it does do, politically, is it takes the gun control wedge issue off the table to beat Obama up with.

All in all I'm ok with it.

Movies Part Two

Funny, just as I finished writing the first movie post I came across this.

I've seen all of them.

Oy.

Movies!

Here are the movies I want to see that are out now. Who wants to see what with me?

1) WALL*E.
2) The Happening
3) Hancock (starts Wednesday)
4) The Love Guru
5) Get Smart

R

It's The Economy, Stupid

Since I've been on a McCain kick...how on earth can you not be aware of the gas price? I guess they haven't gotten the memo that people are more worried about their wallet than water camels and islamofascists. Seriously, how can you not only be not aware of something that has been all over the new and, even worse, not understand how it matters?

Wow.

UPDATE: Opps. The full quote shows that he was answering a question about what gas used to cost when he pumped it himself, so I suppose not the best example. The link last week about Obama vs McCain's answer about the biggest threat to the country is a better example.

Cindy McCain

A friend sent me this email and asked me for my take on it. Here is my response, if anyone cares to know more about Cindy:

While that stuff is true on the face of it, there is always another side.

For example, the drug addiction. The only reason they came out publicly with it was because of an impending story exposing it was about to be published (http://www.salon.com/news/feature/1999/10/18/drugs/print.html). As a result, the charity was shut down and a doctor's license was revoked. Cindy had a slap on the wrist.

Yea, she contributes to charities, as does her husband. The funny thing here is the one they mostly contribute to is the one that funds the private school her children attend (http://harpers.org/archive/2008/05/hbc-90003001).

There is an arguement that one of the reasons John McCain dropped his first wife in favor of Cindy was due to her fortune so that he could run for Congress. In fact, she did help him with his original bid and is involved in something called the Keating Five which is long and complicated but may get some air eventually (http://www.politicalbase.com/profile/Mark%20Nickolas/blog/&blogId=2084).

And to top it all off, the recipes that she has put out turned out to be copied from Food Network (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-weiner/mccain-family-recipes-lif_b_96666.html).

There is some other stuff but that is a good start. It all comes down to how you like to spin the truth.

R

Boat News!

My boat was out on the water today!

The engines have been switched and they are trying to run out some nasty 16-month old gas and clean up the carburators from the crappy gas. After that, there is an alarm that needs to be fixed and that should do it.

It looks pretty nasty so it'll need to be cleaned up (oy). There are also some other repair things I want to have done at some point this summer (one of the seat braces is broken, etc) but the end result is I should have the boat for the 4th and after!

Left Buttcheek

What on earth could I have done to make my left buttcheeck hurt so much? Whenever I walk it hurts, sitting down kinda sucks. It feels like a sore muscle but I don't recall doing anything to excerise my left buttcheek, or either cheek.

What gives?

This Is Stupid

More perspective please. This is stupid. There are something like 2 people on death row for child rape and none have been executed in over 45 years for the crime (assuming I recall the stat correctly). It is a horrible crime but bitching and moaning because the court struck down the death penalty for a non-death crime is silly. Get over it. People obviously haven't been given that penalty too often for it so how exactly does this really affect things?

How about focusing this 'outrage' on more important matters?

Fear Mongering Fuck Tard

How is this not an example of McCain just being a third term of Bush?

I'm telling you, once they start breeding aquacamels you better watch out. The invasion will be coming.

"I Am Aware Of All Internet Traditions" Part 2

Just came across this.

It is gaining power.

Good times.

What Do You Do When Everything Changes

What do you do when the things that were constant in your life cease to be? Do you loose your anchor and drift into the anarchy? Or do you latch on to something else to keep you centered? Or do you just go with the tide and see where you end up?

I'm not sure what I do. I think it is a mix of the second and third items. I tend to latch on to whatever is there at first and then slowly just let go and end up wherever it is I end up.

I always thought the chinese curse of 'May you live in interesting times' was a good one.

Strong Women

This post has been brewing for a while. Do I, or don't I, have trouble with 'strong women'? I put it in '' because I think part of the issue here is what the hell do people mean by 'strong women'? It is right up there with hippy, high maintenance and even bitch to some degree (see below) as far as things that people think they know what it means but that definition is WIDELY different for each person. This may ruffle some feathers but only because I think it is a very sensitive subject. I truely struggle with this so feedback is a good thing.

Do I have problems with strong women? Well, that all depends on what you mean by a strong woman. I don't believe I do. In fact, as I think about the women I am friends with I would consider each and every one of them a strong woman. They stand up for themselves and voice their opinions as strongly if not stronger than a lot of the guys I know. I've had probably more spirited and enlightening conversations with them as a whole than with the fellas.

So why, then, do I get this 'problem with strong women' criticism thrown at me from time to time by different people? I don't get it. So I brought this up in a conversation with some friends last week to get some feedback.

Here is the deal from my perspective. It all comes down to the 'bitch' term. The HRC candidacy really highlights this. How can a woman be strong and not be considered a bitch? Or, more importantly, why is it that when a woman is forceful or very vocal (particularly in the workplace) she is labeled a bitch while if a guy does it he is just motivated or whatever? Good questions, for sure. I can only speak for myself here but when I call a woman a 'bitch' or, more likely, the 'devil incarnate' it isn't because she is strong so much as she is being rude as hell. When guys do the same thing I can them assholes or other such lovely things. What really gets me is when I get slammed for perceived offenses or the attitude that I owe them something, that drives me nuts in anyone, not just women. So I think, for me, with men and women, there is a line between being forceful, vocal and spirited and being a total rude shit and when that gets crossed I call people on it (even if it isn't to their face - I hate direct confrontation ;) ). So if that translates into a problem with 'strong women' then fine. But I think that it really translates more into a problem with rude assholes than any inherent issues with people that stand up for themselves.

Am I full of shit here?

Things I Am Learning About Me

It is funny that as time moves forward I learn more about me. Maybe I keep changing and am learning about new things. Or maybe I'm just beginning to understand deeper levels of stuff that I wasn't willing or able to see/accept before. Who knows, who cares. The point is, stuff is bubbling up for me to be aware of so this post is about those things. It will be somewhat of a rambling/novel/stream of conscious thing while I try to work through some of this.

I am a perfectionist. Can you believe it? Maybe you can, but I'm having a hard time admitting to it. Perfectionists, to me, have always been really picky and had to have everything just-so explempified by clean houses and perfect dress. The last two bits there sure as hell aren't me, so I never could see the other parts that are true. I like to go with the flow and let how things fall out dictate my response, that too doesn't sound too perfectionist to me either - at least to what I thought perfectionism was. As I have learned more, my perspective or understanding of what it means to be a perfectionist has changed/broadened. Like anything else, it isn't as simple as just slapping a label on something. While I definitely have perfectionist tendencies, I am not ruled by it (usually). But it seems totally at odds with how I like (or think I like) to live my life. How can I be content to determine what I want to do by letting events fall out and still be picky about what I want to do? It seems like a paradox to me but it works. However, it certainly gets in the way as well. Fear of failure or, more, criticism plays large in my life. Sometimes I think I come across as a know-it-all or someone with an opinion on everything. With work I can get caught up in one little stupid detail that just isn't that important, although I'm getting much better at balancing this aspect of it. Finally, in matters of love, this tendency tends to get me stuck in my head rather than my heart. Of course, there are up-sides. I tend to want to know alot about something before I jump into it, then when I'm ready I jump in head first. This has served me well in some places, just not in matter of the heart. More about that later.

I have learned that I am too much in my own head sometimes. This is something else that surprises me although I've heard it before. How can I just 'go with it' and let things happen but at the same time be too much in my head? I don't know. Maybe I can bounce between being stuck in my head and not depending on the situation? All I know is I love a good debate with people and learning new views, etc. I really dislike people that apply logic to every damn thing and aren't just willing to accept other points of view. Am I being a hypocrite now? Seriously, am I? I don't think I am but I honestly don't know.

Ultimately, I am a survivor. I always knew I was flexible as far as my decisions go (something else that flies in the face of perfectionism...or does it?). I'm willing to change my plans and thinking based on what events play out and I'm ok with it. When something happens that is out-of-the-blue, I am flexible enough to figure out a new path and adjust my thinking. Not to be cliche, but when life hands me lemons, I make lemonade. I always have and I think it is one of the things that really makes me who I am.

The survivor bit I just recently came to and I think it really fits, or at least fits for now. In my mind, it explains how I can have these different aspects that are seemingly at odds. And that fits something I've been saying for a long time: embrace your hypocrisy (or contradiction). We are full of them and it is what makes us so damn fascinating.

More Graphs!

All of these come from here:








Because I have been on an AC/DC kick lately:


AND



AND of course Big Balls:


Finally, a Monty Python reference:

Milkshakes and Yards

So I came across this graph a long time ago and didn't know where to find it. A post by Shana lately pointed me to the proper site. I find this one very funny for some reason:


more graph humor and song chart memes

Finally: Obama Talks Back Regarding 9/11

So, finally, a democrat with balls to push back against the 9/11 justification for everything mentality.

Well I refuse to be lectured on national security by people who are responsible for the most disastrous set of foreign policy decisions in the recent history of the United States. The other side likes to use 9/11 as a political bludgeon. Well, let’s talk about 9/11.

The people who were responsible for murdering 3,000 Americans on 9/11 have not been brought to justice. They are Osama bin Laden, al Qaeda and their sponsors – the Taliban. They were in Afghanistan. And yet George Bush and John McCain decided in 2002 that we should take our eye off of Afghanistan so that we could invade and occupy a country that had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11. The case for war in Iraq was so thin that George Bush and John McCain had to hype the threat of Saddam Hussein, and make false promises that we’d be greeted as liberators. They misled the American people, and took us into a misguided war.

Here are the results of their policy. Osama bin Laden and his top leadership – the people who murdered 3000 Americans – have a safe-haven in northwest Pakistan, where they operate with such freedom of action that they can still put out hate-filled audiotapes to the outside world. That’s the result of the Bush-McCain approach to the war on terrorism.

This is from a transcript of his speeh here.

Why haven't we had leaders doing this four years ago? Why did it take a presidential candidate with balls to finally start doing this?

Regardless of my frustration of why it took so long, it makes my heart all warm and fuzzy now that it is finally happening.

Go get'em!

"I Am Aware of All Internet Traditions"

This is a new meme in the political blogging circles that just creeped up about 45 minutes ago and is classic. I so want the t-shirt.

It came up in the comments here due to another meme called 'shorter (x)' which started here way back in 2003.

I am only posting this so when you all hear me make a reference to it you can laugh with me. :)

UPDATE: This is a better explanation of what happened.

American News Project

So there is this website of online video journalism that is pretty nice. I am totally behind this stuff as a counter to the corporate-owned media that is kinda screwing us. If this kinda thing puts pressure on the big boys to actually do their job, good deal.

Anyway, check it out and if you want an example, check out this piece of annoying crap in the senate hearings.

Dean and Obama's 50 State Strategy

I've talked about this before on this blog and have had conversations with others. A point that comes up a lot, and I totally agree with it, is without Dean in 2004 and as the head of the DNC for the last four years, Obama wouldn't be as successful today. Obama took Dean's 50 state strategy and turned it into a way to not only win the presidential nomination but to turn the entrenched way of doing things on its head. No one else embodied the entrenched interestes and traditional way of doing things in the Democratic party more than HRC.

Anyway, this is a pretty good and shortish summary of the coming together of the two strategies and what it means for the GE.

Rules for Radicals

Community organizer Saul Alinsky’s 1971 list of 13 Rules for Radicals:

1 ) Power is not only what you have but what the enemy thinks you have.

2 ) Never go outside the experience of your people. It may result in confusion, fear and retreat.

3 ) Wherever possible go outside the experience of the enemy. Here you want to cause confusion, fear and retreat.

4 ) Make the enemy live up to his/her own book of rules.

5 ) Ridicule is man’s most potent weapon.

6 ) A good tactic is one that your people enjoy.

7 ) A tactic that drags on too long becomes a drag.

8 ) Keep the pressure on, with different tactics and actions and utilize all events of the period for your purpose.

9 ) The threat is usually more terrifying than the thing itself.

10 ) The major premise for tactics is the development of operations that will maintain a constant pressure upon the opposition.

11 ) If you push a negative hard and deep enough it will break through into its counterside.

12 ) The price of a successful attack is a constructive alternative.

13 ) Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it and polarize it.

I was going to go through these, but I'm just going to let them speak for their own.

I will say this, however. Obama is doing quite a few of them.

Demo Destruction

How do you guarantee that a demo to a customer is going to go to shit? By introducing massive changes to the underlying framework the day before the demo. This place has that down to a science.

What others ways can you do it? By introducing major changes to the style sheets and then allowing your designed to take off at 5 pm.

And if that wasn't enough, another way you can screw your employees is to ask already stressed out people to provide a list of what you have done over the past month on the day before a demo. Good timing, that.

Oh, and now the mofo left. He fricken left. What the fuck is that? The guy running the show, the manager, the man with the plan, he who must approve everything, took off while we are waiting for database changes to verify that stuff works on the demo site where they are going to, you know, demo from.

I am so torn right now between wanting to say fuck it and leave to and my ethics, of which I have few but those I have get in the way sometime. I mean, here we are being pushed for weeks about how important this demo is and then the day before it half the people act like it is no big deal? Are you kidding me? I cleared my calendar to make sure this stuff was going to work the least I could get in return was a similiar effort.

I'm telling you, it's like they don't want to succeed. Maybe we are being tested and there is nice prize if we pass? Not that we can. The deck is stacked against us.

Man. Just, man.

Is There Anything Better

Than when a crushing headache finally starts to subside? It is like a new lease on life.

Finally

Obama isn't wasting any time knocking things into shape now that he is the nominee.

He has instructed the DNC to take no money from lobbiests and PACs (here).

And he slapped jackass Joe Lieberman around a bit. Oh to be a fly on the during that conversation.

Good start.

Not a Good Title

Lots of stuff in this article about what Obama has done and the ramifications it has moving forward in the general. The two major breakthroughs he talks about are:

1) the Obama campaign is the first mass multi-racial collaboration in the United States since the Southern Civil Rights movement.

2) a critical mass of progressive Americans are learning political discipline again

If you want to understand why this is no ordinary electoral movement and why I'm so worked up about it, that's a pretty good article. It is changing things, finally.

Holy Clean Cat Litter Batman

Why don't I have one of these yet?

Class Warfare and Moving Forward

From here:

I wrote, the other day, about my friend's father passing away. My friend is a 42 yr. old gay man who'd never told his father he was gay. His partner of nine years had never met my friend's father. Can you imagine what he's feeling right now? I can't. And I want nothing more than to live in a society were my friend and his partner are given the respect they deserve, and angry bigots are mocked and jeered as the Unclean; cast out with the people who look down on us because we don't make enough money, don't pray loudly enough, don't have genetics or genealogy on our side.

This struggle for a better America is what lies before us. This horrifically wrong headed, aggressively inhumane decade of kicking the "not cool kids" in the balls must end. And we, who call ourselves "progressive", need to focus on making that change. Today.

I did the highlighting. I think it is an important point and goes back to the identity politics that have made the past decade or two such a cluster fuck. Class warfare is very alive in this country and it needs to stop.

I was reading something somewhere and I came across something that really puts this McCain vs Obama thing into perspective. Actually, it puts the whole Repubs vs Democrats into perspective for the past few decades (particularly the last 8 years). The writer said something along the lines of 'McCain's handlers are whispering in McCain's ears to bring Obama does into the mud rather than rise up to Obama's level and run against him on the policies'. I think this is right on and shows the basic theory behind the 50+1% strategy that has been followed for so long. Smear your opponent and beat him because people think they "don't make enough money, don't pray loudly enough, don't have genetics or genealogy on our side". Identity politics at its worst. Political assassination. What Rove is awesome at. That shit is on it's way out and I can't wait for it to be gone.

What I would give for McCain to toss off his handlers and raise to Obama's level and run against him on the issues rather than trying to bring him down into the gutter.

Obama and the Hillary Faithful: A Question

I have a question for the ladies in particular and I need a perspective check here.

On the way in to work today I was listening to some pundits babel as they so often do. One of things they were talking about were the letters they have received since last night regarding the Hillary faithful and the question of voting for Obama or not. What came out of it was that a perspective that many of the women that are threatening to sit out the election was that they relate to Obama as someone in their own lives who was a younger flashy male that swept in and just pushed them aside.

So my question is this, as I know quite a few of you preferred Hillary over Obama: how personal was that decision and is it something you think people can move past by November?

Serial Sincerity

Their are serial exaggerators, serial liars, serial killers and what I like to refer to as serial sinceritors (how the heck do you spell that?). You all probably know what I mean, they work in most offices. They are the people that tell you they are going to do something or promise to do lunch or whatever and they absolutely 100% mean it when they say it, but it never (or rarely anyway) happens. Thus, serial sincerity.

That is all.

Correlation Does Not Equal Causation

This is one of my favorite things to keep in mind. It reminds that things can happen for reasons that seem apparent but are actually different in reality. I always have trouble coming up with a good example but yesterday I came across one.

I left work early yesterday and hit Tarara Vineyard with a friend. We did the super secret tasting and, really, they actually have very good wine. Not sure where the dislike comes from. But anyway, the point is we were talking to the pourer (who turned out to be the wife of the winemaker) about buttery Chardonnay which I absolutely hate. I call them popcorn butter. Somehow the conversation of oak vs stainless steel came up. Here is the correlation part. When tasting Chardonnays and one is buttery as hell, it always seems to be aged in oak. When tasting a Chardonnay I can stomach it is in stainless steel. So it seemed that the buttery flavor was in part due to the oak. Turns out, it's actually caused when they ferment the wine with the leaves and they normally only do that in oak. Stainless steel is used for a lighter wine so they don't ferment with the leaves. Ta da.

So there you go. The correlation was that the Chardonnay was fermented in oak therefore it had the buttery taste. Turns out the oak wasn't the cause thus the saying: Correlation does not equal causation.

My office hours are 3 pm to 3:05 pm every other Tuesday if there are any questions. ;)

Where I've Been

So I fell off the earth for a couple of weeks. Just to catch you all up, I was under the gun in a big way since about May 15th at work. I put in 117 hours over the last two weeks but that little phase is over. Now I have something like 50 personal emails to catch up on and such so if you emailed me and are still waiting, a response will be coming before long.

Thanks for the concern. :)

The Secret

Really, when it comes down to it, isn't the ultimate lesson really not only learning but truely embracing that you are ultimately responsible for everything that happens to you?

Untitled: The Reckoning

The boss boss came by and I have to give him credit for handling the situation well. He started by telling me he has been in my shoes before and have written similiar emails that I wrote to him over the weekend. We then got into the heart of the matter and talked about what was driving me nuts. I expressed that while he does a good job of describing the big picture he sucks at defining the short-term and intermediate goals. We talked about ways we could both communicate better and how to set and meet expectations better. In the end, it was very productive and really went a long way to difuse the situation.

Do I think it'll change all that much? Nah. But I have a better idea for what questions to ask and how to approach the situation and he has a better idea of what I need from him in order to do my job effectively.

Last Hope for Hillary

While I await my boss boss to show up and talk to me, I read this. Favorite two reasons:

-By the time a the Democratic National Convention only one delegate still supports Hillary Clinton. His name? Jesus.

-Hillary Clinton challenges Barack Obama to one last debate, where she tricks him into saying his name backwards, making him disappear into the fifth dimension in a puff of pixie dust.

Untitled

Blah, can't think of a witty title right now. Maybe one comes by the end of the post. Stream of conciousness in 3...2...1...

I'm at work. It's 7:49 and there is supposedly an 8 am meeting that I believe has now been pushed back to 9 and it seems that everyone but I know about it. There is no email about it, so I wonder how everyone found out. Just another example of the shitty communication in this place that is making me question staying. The benefits are good, the pay isn't bad, I have an office, most of the people are easy to work with and pretty cool on top of it...but the key management just SUCKS. I mean really sucks. In the past I've fought those battles at other companies but at this point with where I'm at I'm just not willing to do it again. There is a tipping point where on one side there are the benefits and the flexibility and on the other side there is the fricken crazy stress brought about by people in management positions that shouldn't be there that sooner or later is going to cause me to bail. I'm already at the point where I'm ok with it. It would cause some hardships and stress in the short term, which would suck since I'm finally close on having stuff put back together financially. In any case, this morning will be interesting.

Last week I tossed a lot of time and effort at stuff here to try to get something together for a demo that was supposed to happen Friday evening but was then pushed back to "8am" this morning, which is now magically, apparently, 9 am. To make a long story short because I'm tired of dealing with it I received some emails over the weekend from the boss boss that were very critical of what we have done and very disappointing. The reasons for the state of the projects are mainly do to shit management and I refuse to be left holding the bag on that guys fuck ups. We basically had two months to do the project, 6 weeks of which were wasted with him pulling the rug out from under us because he's too proud or clueless to actually tell us what he wants. We didn't get that information until May 15th. So in essence, we had 10 business days to make it happen. Well, no shit its missing half the features. What did you think would happen. I sent an email where my frustration bled through very clearly Sunday night. I just received a response requesting to sit down and talk about it. Stay tuned.

A New Song

by Swank Underwear: Can't Stop the Purring

Love it.

Two Masters

I worked at a company called Postal Innovations for several years. At that company I learned a lot about how NOT to manage a company. One of the things that used to drive me through the wall was different managers/owners would come to me and task me with something as a 'high priority' and then when I switched over to work on that another one would wonder why their 'high priority' wasn't being completed. I made the mistake that management actually communicated and had some grand plan instead of making shit up as they went along.

Where I work now we are starting to fall into a somewhat similar situation, although different. I have a boss on whose team I work and we get a long well. We both have a boss that is responsible for laying out the requirements for the projects my boss's team works on. So at least in this case rather than having multiple people coming to tell me what to do with equal priority we have one guy that calls the shots. Great, right?

Well, it should be. Except this guy doesn't talk to the engineers/architects that actually setup the systems that we need to work on. He has this abstract notion on the way this stuff should work but doesn't really have a good handle on it. As a result, we end up in these situations where we get direction from the main boss guy but then in talking to the architect/engineer people we get 'No, you can't do it that way, you have to do this'.

So, I'm at a position now where I don't talk to the engineer people if I can help it. I decided the only person that can make my life miserable is the main boss guy, not the engineers despite how correct they probably are. What needs to happen is that main boss guy needs to have it out with the engineer people and everyone to get on the same page. I'm not going to be a proxy for their war.

Wussified Nation

I had this long conversation today and something very interesting came up. Somehow we ended up on the topic of his marriage and how a large percentages of marriages fail. He started to talk about how his marriage works because his wife has taken on the traditional role of the wife and his to some degree subservient to him. Subservient in that if he puts his foot down she'll abide by it. That isn't to say she just stays home and cranks out kids. She is basically an executive at a Fortune 500 company and brings in a good chunk of change. I joked and said 'But you still expect her to have dinner ready when you get home?' and he said 'Basically.'.

From there he started to talk about how one of the reasons our nation is going in the shitter is because we don't have these traditional roles anymore and men are being wussified. He points to African tribes that still have this sort of structure but his favorite example is the lion. The lion sits underneath the tree all day licking his balls and sends his women out to go find some food. All he does is provides security and knocks them up. So, the argument goes, because we as a society stress behaviors that are counter to this basic instinct we end up with some really messed up results.

Ok. My counter-argument is that while we may have evolved with these sorts of instincts from a survival perspective they really aren't necessary anymore in a modern society. I don't need to sit at home with a gun in my hand and protect my kingdom while my women go out and provide for me. I don't need to climb the trees to get the fruit or hunt down a boar to feed my family. Those hunting/protection instincts just aren't as necessary. I'm not saying they aren't there, I'm just saying that they aren't key for survival anymore.

However, back to the main point about a man and a woman. His basic point here is that when society goes counter to these basic instincts you end up with broken marriages. I argue that it is society that creates these bullshit roles and pushes people into them. Would men really feel like they need to be your never crying, no emotion 'John Wayne' types if it they weren't brought up that way? You keep repressing that crap and it is going to come out sideways, regardless of what your basic human instinct is and how in tune that image is with it.

No, successful relationships are the product of good communication and a willingness to compromise. Because his relationship works does not mean that same pattern will work for everyone. They found a balance that works for them and more power to them. But to argue that their balance works because it is based on this basic human instinct is rationalizing I think.

What say you?

UPDATE: So really, the question that I'm always curious about is this: how much is the result of human instinct and how much is the result of cultural influences?

Lousy Downers

I stayed home sick today. I believe its the nasty nasty allergy thing I get every year. Starts with a bad soar throat, moves down into my chest, then up into my head. I think its on my way south now.

Anyway, so I decided to catch up on TV. I watched Eli Stone and the new House.

Is it too much to ask to not put these huge downer episodes w/o some sort of disclaimer on them. I'm totally bummed now.

Now I'm watching the last Eli Stone and the main plot looks like a guy wants Eli to help him die. Arg.

Ah well, some sleep will fix that.

Plan for Ending the War

So this group of pols and military peeps, etc got together and came up with a realistic plan to pull out and ensure that this crap doesn't happen again. Candidates that are challenging seated congress members have signed onto this as well as some seated peeps.

In a perfect world, I think this is the way to go to resolve this issue and I hope it gains momentum in the general election.

If you are wondering what I think needs to be done to end the Iraq war, there you go.

Colbert Smacks Down O'Reilly

Seriously, could you possibly be any bigger of an ass than O'Reilly?

Wow.

In Our Own Backyard

Some U.S. Christians are not reconciled to McCain's candidacy but instead regard the prospective presidency of Barack Obama in the nature of a biblical plague visited upon a sinful people.
...
According to this activist, at the heart of the let-Obama-win movement is longtime Virginia conservative leader Michael Farris -- the nation's leading home-school advocate, who is now chancellor of Patrick Henry College (in Purcellville, Va.) for home-schooled students
...
Farris is regarded as one of the hardest-edged Christian politicians. He is reported in evangelical circles to promote the biblical justification for an Obama plague-like presidency.

Now tell me again that home schooling is primarily because you are concerned about the quality of the education your child receives in school and not as a cover for Christian indoctrination?

Punks.

Build The Party, Biatches!

I can smell that 60 vote supermajority in the Senate just around the corner. Mmmmm..progress.

Check out what Obama has been up to that is going to help the party down ticket.

Good lovin. This guys knows his shit.

Sailing!

Mel and I went sailing over the weekend, the first step in the plan to charter in BVI. It was amazing, to say the least. Our instructor was awesome. Nice dry sense of humor and paitent. The winds were pretty strong (as in small craft advisory) so we were able to learn the skills in some pretty intense conditions.

Because of the wind being so strong I was soar as crap the next few days. I still am a bit in my legs. My hands were pretty raw Saturday night but as luck would have it we happened upon a West Marine and picked up some sailing gloves for Sunday. Holy crap do those make a difference! I also managed to break the handle that raises the main (they are designed to break) because the cables were all jammed up. When it broke I kinda slammed into the mast so I have this big bruise on the top of my shoulder. It was fun though. :)

All in all both of us our excited to get back out on the water and practice. I requested information on the Cruising course, which is the next step.

Fun!

Obama Elitest?

So the HRC campaign has been trying to paint Obama as an elitest every since his 'bitter' comment a few weeks ago.

I'm thinking that after this remark it's going to be a little hard to do that.

Seriously. Wtf?

Me!

Read!

(h/t Erica)

Bees!

One of my favorite blogs that disappeared a while back but has recently appeared. Totally random entries. Check out this particular entry.

A Goal

I have decided to sit a goal for myself this summer. It is a lofty goal, and may not be reachable because towards the end it depends on the willingness of others. However, I want to do as much as I can personally to achieve it.

The goal is this: charter a boat and sail in the British Virigin Islands.

This weekend I take the first step towards this along with Mel when we take a two day course to learn basic sailing skills. After this course we will then have our Basic Sailing Cert that will allow us to charter sail boats for in-shore sailing. The next step is to take a cruising which is offered by the same marina. This is where it starts to become dependent on others. The course is two days on a 38+ foot cruiser learning about various weekend-type skills. However, it has to be privately scheduled which means I need to round up some people that are interested in doing this. Volunteers or am I going to have to talk you all into it?

Finally, this same marina, at the completion of the cruising course will help you setup a sailing vacation in the B.V.I. for you and some of your closest friends. Seriously, how fricken awesome would that be? Of course, I need people to do that as well.

So! Who wants to help me accomplish my goal?

Dream!

This came to me in a dream.

Imagine a Christan/Fold/Regaee band named 'Swank Underwear'.

That is all.

Downer

Torchwood is a british spin-off from the new Dr. Who series on BBC America. Some of the episodes aren't that great but then they will put together a few that are just amazing. The last two of the season were some of the best writing I've ever seen in sci-fi.

Anyway, I just finished watching the Season Finale and holy crap, what a downer. They killed two of the main characters off and had these crazy farewells to them. The thing is, the episode before filled in all this backstory about all the main characters and then they killed two of them off.

Nuts. Very good though.

Careful What You Order

I went to dinner Sunday night with Mel and some friends. During the course of the evening I had a flight of beer and shared a bottle of wine. We decided between us that we wanted an after-dinner drink so I picked up the wine list (of bottles, mind you, not glasses) and saw a cheap port. Everyone agreed so we said to Waiter Bitch (the nickname we gave him because he said to the table next to us, and I kid you not: "My name is [whatever] and I'll be your desert bitch tonight" ):

"We would like a bottle of port, please"
"A bottle? Not four glasses?"
"Yes, a bottle."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely."

So he brings out a bottle of port. Now, usually desert wines come in these very narrow bottles that you can just managed to squeeze four glasses so that's what we (I) expected. I was abit surprised when out came a rather larger bottle. The other thing to keep in mind is that port has a higher alcohol content then wine or even desert wine at around 20%.

Ok, so you picture this? We were all pretty toasted at this point so we didn't think much of it. We started pouring the glasses and I'm thinking 'Wow, this is really good considering how cheap it was'. Then it dawned on me and I just started laughing. That's right. It wasn't per bottle...it was per glass. Opps.

Yea, so. Needless to say, the dinner bill was considerably higher than we planned and we had to share a cab home.

Oh! I also learned, on the cab ride home, that it is possible to throw up and just go right back to laughing like nothing happened. That was pretty amusing.

The Lost Chord

So I was watching this movie this morning called 'Melinda and Melinda' and within it there is a reference to something called 'the lost chord'. The context was interesting so I looked it up.

Turns out, it was a song written in 1877 that basically boils down to a musical chord that the composer hit while screwing around with his organ (the musical one, you sick people) that just brought complete clarity to everything. After it faded he was never able to find it again. The first thing I thought of was the song 'Tribute' by Tenacious D.

I like these sort of mystical kinda things. Don't know why but I find them really interesting, particularly when they move into popular culture.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to the song 'The Lost Chord' by Arthur Sullivan:

Seated one day at the organ,
I was weary and ill at ease,
And my fingers wandered idly
Over the noisy keys.

I know not what I was playing,
Or what I was dreaming then;
But I struck one chord of music,
Like the sound of a great Amen.

It flooded the crimson twilight,
Like the close of an angel's psalm,
And it lay on my fevered spirit
With a touch of infinite calm.

It quieted pain and sorrow,
Like love overcoming strife;
It seemed the harmonious echo
From our discordant life.

It linked all perplexéd meanings
Into one perfect peace,
And trembled away into silence
As if it were loth to cease.

I have sought, but I seek it vainly,
That one lost chord divine,
Which came from the soul of the organ,
And entered into mine.

It may be that death's bright angel
Will speak in that chord again,
It may be that only in Heav'n
I shall hear that grand Amen.

Crazy Group Dynamics

The dynamics in the group tonight were crazy. There was a lot of very interesting verbal fencing and such that touched on some old vulnerabilities in me. It turns out that those old vulnerabilities don't hold much power anymore. Learning that was great.

One thing that I learned in therapy, probably the single most important thing I learned for myself, was the idea of being selfish in a healthy way. As time goes on and I see that dynamic at work in other people and in myself I understand it and appreciate it more. Basically it is knowing when your shit ends and someone elses begins. To understand that you can only be responsible for your own actions and reactions and not for someone elses to you. Everyone processes things through the filters of their own experiences and you just can't hold yourself responsible for how they react to you when you are acting on your own behalf for your own good. That is being selfish in a healthy way.

That isn't to say you shouldn't care for others or show sympathy or try to help them, etc. The idea is to not let their stuff become your stuff. To not become vested and to be able to walk away. It's hard to do but it is very freeing.

Anyway, that current played out in a lot of different ways with a lot of different people, myself included. The other really interesting bit of the night was some verbal fencing I had with someone that took me a bit to realize he was being serious and not just trying to get a reaction from me. Basically the point that because I am very open with my views and opinions that I tend to alienate some people, rather than trying to moderate myself to get along with more people. The argument put forth was that when I get older I'll realize this. Ok, fair enough. Who am I to say I know what lessons I will learn in the future. Will I change? Hell yes I will. Will I change and learn the same lessons someone else did? Maybe, but who is in any position to know that? Everyone takes a different path and learns different lessons. They can be similar, sure, but it's going to mean something different to everyone. All I know is that right now I have never been more in tune with who I am at this moment and I am having a great time. When I'm out with people I know I feel safe enough to totally be myself and if there are some people that our offended, walk away. It's not like I'm making anyone listen to me or interact with me and I'm not interested in pleasing people just to please them. I am at Meetup for my satisfaction and fulfillment just like everyone else is in the end. Otherwise, why would you be there?

So, in the end it turned out to be a pretty interesting night and I'm glad I left my cave to enjoy it.

Oh, and Harold and Kumar 2 was pretty good. :)

Speaking of Dreams

This series of posts are going to be funny. This is the third I've written back-to-back but you all will probably read them backwards so the train of thought is going to be weird.

Anyway, I had this dream last night (either after the Misfit one or the second part of that one) that it cost me over $200 to fill up my gas tank. I started to think how much of a pain that would be and that'd I'd have to work from home sometimes, etc.

But really, maybe gas climbing in price isn't a bad thing in the long term. Sure, it'll be a huge bitch in the short term for everyone but maybe these are the kind of things that need to happen to get people motivated to make changes.

Whatever. Just a thought.

Cat Dream

So much for going back to bed.

Anyway, I have this reoccuring dream involving my dead cat Misfit. Each time I'm in this dream and I'm just chilling at the house and he just shows up and hangs out for awhile. I am aware that I hadn't seen him for a while and that he tends to come and go as he pleases. Like he goes into hiding or something and just pops out to hang from time to time. Well, this time around I decided I was going to take pictures of him to prove to people that he exists, right? So I took a few pictures and then in the dream I woke up...into another dream! And in that other dream I knew he wasn't alive but I met three people that all had different aspects of his personality, right? And they were like calling to me or something and then it just went totally weird after that and I don't really recall it.

Then I really woke up and I remember looking at my phone and wondering if I had really taken pictures...

Alas, I did not.


Until next time in my dreams, Misfit.

What The Heck?

Why am I still awake? I tried to sleep but it wasn't happening. Now its about 4 am and I'm watching 'Hellraiser: Hellworld' with good ol' pinhead hacking people up and such. Eww...there goes someone's head with a butchers knife. Oy.

I should try to sleep again. I certainly am tired now but strangely I feel compelled to finish watching this. I'm not sure how they are going to manage to fill another hour when 2 of the 4 main characters have already been killed. Maybe that's why I feel compelled?

Screw it. I'm going to bed.

Maybe.

Meetup!

There are a few things I sing the praises of: Tivo, Chiropractors, ducks and Meetup!. With regards to Meetup, it's really the way to go to meet people and increase your social circle. There are two groups I am very active in and two I am somewhat active in, despite being a co-organizer of one. I shall link to all four in a moment.

I right this because if you aren't in Meetup you should give it a shot. Most of the groups are free and the ones that aren't are very very cheap (like $20/year) to offset organizational costs. There are groups all around the country for practically anything you can imagine. You owe it to yourself to check it out.

As a way to show you what kind of crazy goes on, here is a blog that Shana updates with pictures from the adventures of the two groups I'm most active in (EDM and the Wine group).

And here are the links to the ones I am most involved in. Join people, join.

The Virginia Wine Club
http://wine.meetup.com/16/

Eat, Drink and Meet-NoVA Group (aka EDM aka Julie's Group)
http://socialnetwork.meetup.com/579/

The Fairfax Camping Meetup Group (The one I am co-organizer in name only)
http://camping.meetup.com/99/

DC/MD/VA Adventure Meetup (First group I joined)
http://adventurers.meetup.com/42/

How Should I Take This?

And now for another edition of 'How Should I Take This?'

This one was emailed to me by a friend. The email subject said 'Made me think of you ;)' and this was the link in the email.

I leave this without further comment.

Don't Be A Turkey

I went away for the weekend with a bunch of people for a wine weekend. It was a good time and I learned some things. I'm not going to bore you with details of the entire weekend but I am going to hit some highlights:

1) On the way down 5 of us hit two vineyards and ended up purchasing 3 cases (36 bottles) of wine. That's a lot of wine.

2) Sometimes a $44 bottle of wine is actually worth $44.

3) People that have been drinking a lot all day like to sing. Good times.

4) Getting pulled over for the license plate registration being expired after leaving a wine festival can be somewhat nerve racking.

5) Wine festivals are still fun even in the rain.

6) The attitude with the Bourborsville people is unbelievably shitty. "We are big enough that we don't have to care", "I've been drinking wine since I was 3" and "We aren't going to open anymore bottles to taste because it is raining". WTF? It's a wine festival you morons. Let us taste your damn wine and loose the attitude. "Too big to care". Jackass.

7) Smaller wineries are more awesome than bigger well-known ones.

8) Meritage is pronounced like heritage and is an American word.

9) Attack ducks.

10) "The frog jumps at midnight" and "the bunnies hop at midnight" are both very funny.

11) The turkey was almost the national bird.

13) You can make a wine taste like liquor (whiskey)

14) This is a story: Saturday night some of us were hanging outside before bed beneath a porch-like thing. One person was leaning back in his chair so the rain could hit his face. Someone else looked at him and said "Don't be a turkey" to which everyone else looked at her with blank stares and said "...and?". "Do you really need me to finish it?" "Yes". "Don't be a turkey...and die!". After we could breath from laughing so hard we requested an explanation as to what she was talking about. Turns out, the comment makes total sense once you know that turkey's, not being the smartest animals on the planet, will sometimes look up in the sky when it is raining and actually drown. Wow.

All in all, a good time.

Wow

I'm not sure what I'm more surprised about. That the New York Times actually did some real reporting or that they uncovered such a program.

Either way, that's not cool.

Seriously?

I guess we aren't done with the fear mongering afterall.

I love Obama's response.

How Many Lines Of Code...

...would it take to code my personality? Think hard about it (for you coders out there) and then read this. (Even non-coder peeps will like that article)

Ya'll better not be dead to me.

Horrible Debate

Seriously, it took almost an hour before an actual policy question was asked? WTF? If you ever wondered how Bush was elected twice last nights debate is a prime example. My favorite 'question':

STEPHANOPOULOS: Senator, two questions. Number one, do you think Reverend Wright loves America as much as you do?

'Loves America as much as you do'. Can we PLEASE get some adults in charge and not this god damn infintile high school cool kids bullshit? I don't give a flying fuck who 'loves America' more. Loves America compared to what? How subjective can you get?

Seriously, this is bullshit. If the media can't get over the nit-picking gaffes that anyone will make and actually get to policy differences and the way in which these people may actually govern the country, they all need to be shot. The aren't serving the public and they are just allowing people like Bush and his cronies to pull one over on everyone else. How do you get people to vote against their own interests? By making it all about who is the most like them, the everyman/woman, the John/Jane Doe of America. Really, would you want to try to run the country? I sure as hell wouldn't. John Stewart was awesome the other day when he was going on about how he absolutely wants a President that is superior to him. Embarassingly superior and elite. I totally agree. I want superman/woman as the President, not some beer drinking jackass frat boy POS.

Grow up.

UPDATE: Just came across this. A less 'colorful' analysis than mine. Very good, though.

Cool Picture of Me

I really like this picture for some reason.

Best Case Yet For Barrack

This is easily the most convincing argument to date.

Sound Like Anyone You Know

You are courageous; and you seek challenges. You are a tough-minded, independent and daring thinker who likes to explore ideas or problems thoroughly. You focus easily. And you are persistent, systematic and competent in pursuing your interests and goals.

You are also assertive; and you enjoy the opportunities your hard work wins.

You have a lot of energy. You think quickly, make decisions more easily than most, dislike unnecessary rules, and take a rational approach to people, issues and ideas.

You don't often enjoy "small talk." You are generally not interested in pleasing boring people and you gravitate to men and women who are intellectually exciting and get to their point quickly during conversations.

You are not conventional in most of your attitudes and values. You tend to be irreverent and pragmatic and you like spontaneous people. You can be an exciting, yet hard driving and exacting, friend and companion.

Pedantic Asshole

I went to a friends house tonight in a gated community. To get in you have to go through a gate. Those that live there get a pass and can wave it in front of this thingy that'll open the gate. Those that are visiting drive up to the right of the residence entrance and entry in a code which rings the person you are visiting to let you through.

Before I get to the asshole I want to say two things. First, I didn't handle the situation as well as I should have and I know that. Second, I understand that there are problems with people 'cheating' to get through the gate and some residents get irritated about this. I would be as well.

Ok, so I'm at the guest entrance thing and I type in the code. While it dials and rings some guy in a white Jetta drives up to the resident entrance and waves his little badge thingy. I here the beeps indicating that I have been given access and I drive up to the gate kinda fast. The gate is really slow so I sit there. About two seconds later Jetta-boy guns it and flies up on me and slams on his breaks...obviously something pissed him off. The gate finally opens and I go through and haul ass over the speed bumps because I figure this guy is made at me and is now following me. He bounces over them and follows me all the way down to where I park and parks near me. The top of my Jeep is down so while I put the top back up he eventually drives up and starts talking to me.

This is where I could have handled it differently. He babbles about how I cut him off and I babble about how I was beeped in and just went to the gate and he tried to hit me. We repeat each other a couple of times, obviously making no progress, and he talks about how my friend could be written up for my actions, etc. About the third time we repeat I just say 'Bullshit' and walk away to finish putting my top up. He babbles something about not having to curse at him and then drives down to the end of the parking lot, turns around, and comes back up behind my car. I decide to approach it different and ask him 'What do you expect to get out of this' and he says 'You shouldn't have cused at me' at which point I decide the entire thing is stupid and just walk away to my friends. He writes down my license plate number so who knows what he expects to do with that.

So I relay this to my friend who laughs quite a bit and that is that. The entire episode irritates me though. I mean really, what did he expect to get out of it? We obviously have two very different, and probably valid, points of view on this. I suppose if I kept my cool we could have just talked it out but I was pretty irritated that he (a) charged me and (b) followed me all the way down to be a prick about something that amounts to nothing.

I'm also ticked because we thought of the following things I could have done that would have been much better:

1) Just driven around in circles until he got bored
2) Drive out the back gate and back on to the road
3) When he got all pissy about me cussing at him (really, that's weak) lay into him with some choice phrases about being a pendantic asshole
4) Some other really good ones I can't think of right now

Anyway, that place has issues with people being pricks and I guess people that are that high strung are going to have issues. Pity.

Candidate Hand Gestures

Christopher Walken analysis the candidates hand gestures here.

Choice quote:

Because, as we all know, both the coinflip and the vending machine guarantee change, but only the vending machine also holds the promise of delicious Ho Hos.

Meetings

Is it too hard for the person that called for a meeting to take place at a particular time actually show up and not, I don't know, go on a walk instead?

Freedom Fries and Hot Dogs

What do Freedom Fries and Hot Dogs have related?

This! (Check out the Historical Parallels)

Addiction: Follow-up

Only a couple of comments on the first addiction post but they were good ones and brought up some stuff I missed in the first post. I wanted to respond in a new post to flesh out some of that stuff.

I think Shana's comment really illustrates the stigma addictions can create for the addicted. In addition, it brings up something I totally forgot to talk about but is so critical in addiction treatment, and that is shame. Shame comes internally from hating the power the addiction has over you and not wanting to let people know about it. It is re-enforced by people who don't know how to deal with addictions and do look upon it as a weakness. It's a huge obstacle to recovery.

It is interesting to me that Mel brought up the following:

i had a friend who spoke of the social strata of rehab: heroin and cocaine addicts, top of the totem pole. Then alcoholics, gamblers, sex addicts, others. Last, eating disorders and cutters.

I thought about touching on this although from a different perspective. Namely from which are more 'social acceptable' or have less stigma around them in society from my POV. I would stick drug and alcohol addiction, particularly alcohol with AA and such, at the most 'accepted' forms of addiction. Eating and gambling probably in the middle with sex addiction towards the bottom. I think cutters are more an example of personality disorder than addiction, although I suppose it could be all stuffed together. Not real sure there.

I am totally in agreement with the need for understanding the commonalities between addictions. I believe they have more in common than they do differences. The 'acting out' behavior is simply the sympton, not the cause.

Very good stuff. Keep it coming.

Stupid Rollouts

We started this rollout last night around 2pm. Didn't leave the office until 11 pm because the stupid server crashed and we couldn't get a hold of anyone at the Pentagon to reset it. Naturally, they reset it about 15 minutes after we left. I was up at 7:30 this morning and we are still pounding it.

Wee.

Addiction

Addictions are nasty nasty things, but I believe they are much more prevalent than people are generally aware. Let me explain by first taking a step backward and laying down some knowledge from my perspective about addictions and their causes. This will probably ramble a bit because I don't have my thoughts really concise on this yet.

Everyone I would imagine is familiar with substance-based addictions such as alcohol or drugs. You are probably familiar with process-based addictions as well such as gambling. What is interesting about substance- and process-based addictions is that at the core they are all very tightly related, even if the method of 'acting out' is very different. So, for example, in a drug addiction the acting out behavior is getting high due to the effects of the drug itself. In a process addiction like gambling, stealing, eating, sex, etc the high is the result of the whatever the activity is being undertaken. I've always thought of process addictions as just getting high off of the body's internal chemical reactions based on acting out, as opposed to an external high from drugs or alcohol.

Anyway, at their root addictions develop as a coping strategy in order to cope or run away from something you can't or perceive yourself unable to handle. Addictions probably have a genetic component as well that make some people more susceptible to forming full-blown addictive behavior while others may be in a more escapism sorta thing. I guess what I am saying is that you don't have to be a full-blown addict whose behavior controls you to have some feel of what an addiction is like. Escapism has some on the tenants of addiction, particularly when that escapism is obsessive.

I believe that society has a pretty good grasp of drug and alcohol addiction, and that is a good thing for sure. What society does not have a grasp on is process addictions that are somehow viewed as a lack of will rather than something that is just as debilitating as a substance addiction. The stigma around these addictions is in my opinion the way the stigma around substance addictions used to be several decades ago. Let me give you an example, if a trusted friend of yours was to come to you one day and say 'I am an alcoholic.' how would you react? Now if that same person were to come to you and say 'I have a sex addiction' would that change the way you react to them? What if they said they have a problem with eating, would you view it as simply a will-power issue or something else?

The definition of addiction at Dictionary.com is:

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

The first part of that definition is right on in that anything can become habit-forming to the point of enslavement. This definition is probably somewhat out-of-date as a lot of the thinking on addiction has expanded to allow for process addictions that do not have the same sort of physical trauma associate with cessation. This goes back to the stigma around process addictions I was babbling about earlier. Anyway, the key point I want to make here is that process addictions can become every bit as enslaving as substance addictions and, additionally, a lot of substance addicts have process addictions and vice-versa.

Ok, so back to my original point now that I have some of the background out-of-the-way about process addictions. I believe that addiction, in particular process addiction, is pretty rampant in society. An addiction really becomes a problem when you obsess about it. When it start to interfere with social engagements and work or it starts to take over your thoughts. When you run into a stressful situation and the first thing you think of is that acting out behavior. When you start to isolate from people. Those are all signs that a behavior that has been escapist to you is or has crossed the line to an addiction. I'm willing to bet that a fair amount of people can associate with some of those things, particularly the bit about stressful situations. Does that mean you have an addiction? No. It doesn't even mean you may develop one. However, it does mean that something is going on there that needs to be looked at because rather than dealing with the situation you are looking for ways to run from it. For some, and I would argue a great many, that can eventually turn into addiction.

Anyway, look at TV, texting, video games and/or the Internet. Internet addiction is probably easily the number 1 process addiction that people just aren't aware of actually having. It has become pretty prevalent in our society. How many of you work at a company that have policies against using the Internet for anything that isn't work related? Those policies probably came into being because a few abusers were totally sucked in and either couldn't or wouldn't stop. There is a good reason why the porn industry is highly profitable and it isn't because of the story lines.

So why this post? This is a topic that I have found fascinating for many years because of the raw power that addiction has over people. It is absolutely amazing to me. The movie 'Fight Club' does a pretty good job a showing different addictions, the book does an even better job. People become addicted to power, to sex, to entertainment without ever really understanding that it is just as much an addiction as drugs or alcohol and just as hard to unravel.

I also want to see what kind of reaction it stirs up in people. There are a lot of opinions of addictions out there and a lot of experience with them directly or indirectly. If you feel safe, share some of those experiences here or with me in-person.

Medication

I was driving into work this morningish listening to NPR and this woman talk about a book she has written called 'Madness: A Bi-Polar Story' or something like that. She was talking about the medication she was on and it made me decide to write this post.

While I don't have bi-polar I do have an anxiety condition and ADHD with a splash of depression (although depression is a pretty nebulous term). My severity of these conditions isn't too bad untreated but it is enough to warrent medication.

I've talked to some people about this and many share my same reservations I had with taking medication at first. I went through various techniques (psychotherapy and acupuncture, etc) for years before I finally decided to try the medication route. While the acupuncture was very effective on my anxiety and depression, it didn't help so much on the ADHD side of things.

I don't know that I talked much about my anxiety before and I don't know that I will in this post. I will say that at one point in my life it got to the point where even standing in line at the G-Store was too much for me. That didn't turn me on to medication and, in fact, I had the anxiety somewhat under control by the time I started taking it. Not all together sure why I decided to throw that in this.

Eventually, after talking this over at length with my therapist I asked for a reference to a shrink. The guy I went to originally was exactly what you probably expect a shrink to be. Quick, 15 minute in and out with a prescription. Granted, he had my case file from my therapist but still, I hate being treated that way.

He started me on prozac and Wellbutrin. The prozac was for the ADHD and the Wellbutrin was for the anxiety/depression. He started me on the lowest doses. Both of these were effective for treating those issues but I would crash HARD around 4 pm everyday.

During this time I started to work with a life coach to try to get my life in order (read: organization). The shrink I had been seeing moved on so I need a new one. I mentioned this to my coach who referred me to a different shrink that treated the person and not the condition. My appointments with this one are close to an hour and we go over everything that is going on before adjusting medication, etc. Much more to my liking. Over time I moved from prozac to Lexapro and from the ordinary Wellbutrin to a new XL version that is slow release and lasts 24 hours. The result was no more crashing at 4 pm, yay!

Eventually Cymbalta came out that treats both serotonin and norepinephrine which previously required two medication to treat. Additionally, its a pretty small dose (25 mg or something). I just take one of those a day now and it works quite well. There is a post on my blog about the brain shocks you get if you stop taking it cold turkey, wicked stuff those.

I tell you all of that to tell you this: Sometimes I wonder if the medication makes me not me but some weird pseudo-me. I think that is a fear for a lot of people considering this and it is a valid fear. The radio progam I was listening to this morning brought this up as well and the woman put the conclusion I guess I came to a while ago for succiently. What she realized was that when you are not taking the medication the person you are is sick, the medication allows the real you to come out and I agree with that. The only reason someone might even be going through doubts about taking meds is because they know something is keeping them from being who they really are. Medication is a way to realize that person.

Let me describe something else that might help. When I was off my medication I would have some pretty large swings in mood. Not bi-polar levels because I wouldn't be manic but I would experience large levels of anxiety and dread, lots of catastrophising and what-if'ing everything. What the medication has done is it takes that edge off. My personality hasn't changed but has instead leveled out. My reactions to situations are more paced and in proportion to the situation where before they would sometimes be very out of proportion (both over and under reacting). The way I picture it is if I were to draw a picture of a line that waves up and down, kinda like a sine curve, those highs and lows would represent those peeks where I over/under react to situations. The medication sorta caps those highs and lows so my reactions happen within a smaller range.

Addtionally, the ADHD side of me still functions but in a more good way now. I still can juggle multiple topics and think out-of-the-box, etc but I am able to focus better when it matters. It isn't so much of a grey fog like it used to be. That isn't to say that doesn't happen, but it is more manageable now.

Wow, this was a lot longer than I had intended. In any case, if anyone is dealing with whether or not to try medication then by all means ask questions!